Come fly with me, let's fly. let's fly away...

The Government has announced that random underwear checks of Australia's aviation workers will begin next month.

The introduction of underwear checks is entirely unecessary but it is hoped it will irritate any workers agitating for improved work conditions.

Pilots, engineers, cabin crew, flight instructors, re-fuelers, dispatchers, load controllers, baggage handlers and air traffic controllers will be subject to random checks to ensure they are wearing neck to knee underwear.

"Underwear checks are an important strategy which will allow us to deflect any real concerns about the aviation industry," said the Minister.

"The checks won't actually improve safety, but hey, they make us look tough."

It is also unlikely that the checks will stop people having sex in the dunny with famous Hollywood actors who were in 'The English Patient'.

The Centre for Sensible Aussie Smalls Association (C.S.A.S.A.) will begin underwear checks next week.

You have been warned!

Breakthough Leave For Pet Owners

Six weeks paid leave to care for your pouffeney

New pet owners will soon be able to take Pet Owner Leave to look after their pets.

The plan will allow working Australians to take varying amounts of Pet Owner Leave according to the size and needs of the pet. Owning an exotic pet - like an ostrich - would entitle working Australians to take 16 weeks of Pet Owner Leave, a goldfish would allow for 2 weeks, and a sea monkey 1 day.

The Profitability Committee did not include pet rocks in their report.

Various business groups including the What Australia Needs Kevin is Efficient Reformed Slaves (W.A.N.K.E.R.S) have disagreed with the plan because it would impose too much of a burden.

"Going forward, we would prefer to go back to the days when businesses only employed young women and sacked them when they got up the duff," he said.

"Oh, sorry, what I meant to say was we think working Australians should take responsibility for their own pets."

For some reason some unions don't agree with the plan, but no-one will ask them why.

A spokesperson from the Profitability Committee says the plan will be a good way of getting women back into the workforce to do ten hours of menial "women's work" a week.

"They will also not be incorporated in the unemployment statistics," she said.

Although the government has not committed the plan to the next budget, it is a good distraction for working, breeding Australians and sends a positive message to everybody else:

Up yours!

In related news, Americans have changed their minds and now accept the $700 Billion bailout now that Australia's PM has said it must go through, while everybody ignored Ross Garnaut's final report.

"YO" Card Frees Brisbane's Commuters

Brisbane commuters using the city's rail system will be able to exit Central and Roma Street stations if they have a "YO" Card.

Commuters who have been recalcitrant and have failed to embrace the "YO" Card initiative, will have to get off the train at South Bank, Milton or Brunswick Street stations and walk the rest of the way into town. Officials have denied charges that this is unfair and forces people to use a system they don't like.

"If you don't like it - drive - that's the whole point," said a spokesperson from the Department of Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

"Our job is to make public transport as inaccessabile as possible."

Australians Don't Give A F*ck About Climate Change: Survey

Climate change is now fifth on a list of what Australians think should be our foreign policy goals, according to a survey released by the Attitudinal and Issue Control Unit at the Ponds Institute.

The survey also found that Australians would prefer to tackle job security (definitely NOT collective bargaining) and strengthening the economy, than give a f*ck about climate change.

Australians would also rather try to work out whether a picture of a bum is that of Kylie Minogue than pay an extra $10 a month for green electricity.

The survey also found that the mainstream media was very useful in bombarding Australians with enough propaganda to move an urgent issue off the radar.

"In terms of, in terms of and in terms of," said the Minister.

Festivals And Cabarets

the CBD is hazy
and Mt Coot-tha shimmers in the sun
as we move toward Q2
there is nowhere to run

it's getting pretty steamy
the storm bird's early cry
the heat is on, the heat is on
and we're all gonna fry

the jacarandas are out already
it's warm for this time of year
they say clean coal will save us
but how it works is not so clear

I saw the Christmas carol sign
atop the River Stage
the seasons do not mean a thing
in this brave new day and age

the big wheel going round and round
but there's nothing here to see
a winding old, brown river
and Streets Beach full of wee

puppet politicians
dancing down George Street
festivals and cabarets
will make your life complete

World First: Clean, Green Initiative For Desalination Plants

Pickles...the future of desalination

The Environment: with Wendy Whalesong

Green Pickles are the way of the future for the Tugun desalination plant.

In an initiative that will set a world wide precedent, a clean, green pickling facility will be set up to manufacture jars of pickles from the millions of litres of brine produced by the desalination plant.

Instead of being released into the ocean and ruining the local ecosystem, the brine will now be put to good use.

The Tugun pickling facility is a result of years of research by Dr Jurkin from the Environmental Outcomes Unit of the Ponds Institute.

"Ze pickles vill be delishus - crunchee, und wiz a nize flavour. I plan to call zem 'Renewable Energy Scam Jurkin Gerkin Pickles' az a zimbolic gesture," he said.

"Ziz is becoz ze government keeps tellin ze peeple ze power for zeez dezalination plants vill be renewable, but it iz a complete scam."

To even further cement the State Government's Green-Cred, one cent from the profit made on every ten jars sold will be donated (after costs and taxes) to the Federal Government's 'Clean Coal Think Tank Cancer Cluster Committee Institute Funding Fund', going forward.

It is hoped that this will force other States and Countries to take the issue of climate change and carbon emissions as 'seriously' as Queensland does - instead of actually, really seriously, taking it seriously, as so many of them are in danger of doing.

Supermarket Sex Toy Strategy Plan

Where will you get yours?

In a backlash against "sex shops" selling cucumbers and zucchinis, the Huge Two corporations that run the Australian food market, Colesworths and Worthlesses, have started a concerted vilification campaign. The campaign is to be run through the media outlets that rely on the Huge Two for a large chunk of advertising revenue.

The aim of the campaign is to pursue the Huge Two's usual stategy: crush any small, diverse, independent retail operator (for historical reference see: Butcher, Baker, Bottleshop, Servo, Grocer and Delicatessen) by stocking, cheaply and at a temporary loss, the same items, cornering the market, then charging whatever they like and, shall we say, "screwing" them into oblivion. The end result will be the launch of an "Adults Only" aisle at supermarkets. The new aisle is tentatively titled the "R-R-Us" aisle.

We can reveal that our in depth research for this exclusive story uncovered PR sources, of course never named as a matter of protocol, who have confirmed that the Huge Two have already started conducting focus groups testing such products as: "Home Brand Inflatable Dolls", "Black and Gold Vibrators (Low Life Black 'n Bold batteries included)", "No Frills Frilly Lingerie", "Generic Tasteless Chocolate Body Topping", "No Name B Grade Nasty But Naughty DVDs" and "Frozen Microwaveable TV Dinner Barely Edible Underwear."

It is believed that edible food was considered but rejected on the basis that there is no profitable market for such a weird and perverted idea.

Government Announces $4 Billion In Relief For Struggling Australians

Last night [26/9/08] when nobody was looking, the Australian Government announced a $4 billion rescue package for struggling Australians in the non-bank sector of the mortgage industry.

After much parliamentary debate, and pressure from the Opposition over the past few weeks, the Treasurer, Mr Swanee-River said his conscience wouldn't let him withhold financial relief to his fellow Australians any longer.

"The US Government may currently be debating how to use taxpayer dollars to bail out banks, but we're different here in Australia," he said.

"Even though injecting $4 billion of taxpayers money into securitisation markets sounds like a bail out, it's only fair because these mortgage providers are doing it really tough."

Various finance associations have indicated that the $4 billion package was good news - although surprisingly, the banks aren't so sure.

Nobody asked the genuinely struggling Centrelink recipients what they thought.

Go the mighty Roosters!

Western World Leaders Meet To Consolidate Fascist Power

Presidential hopefuls, operative dictators and the chosen few from the "free" west arrived in 'Murka' to give their blessings and to pay homage to the world's ruling elite in New York. The Australian Prime Minister, Howard Lite, was there. Everyone discussed the terrible financial crisis facing the wealthiest thieves history has known and reflected on how each of them rely on this theft for their own political survival.

In late breaking news: Congress just passed the "Market Autonomy Resilience Taxation Initiative Assuring Liberty" Law, simply stated as MARTIAL LAW.

The new Martial Law will take effect immmediately and will work hand in glove with the existing provisions of the Patriot Act. If you see people being rounded up by burly men with, or without, apparent authourity you should not get in the way and should do all you can to assist the official looking burly guys.

Martial Law will be imported into Australia by the PM and Minister Swan with the bipartisan support of the opposition in the next week or so. All Patriots and "Good Americans" are expected to do their part to help the authorities enforce Martial Law in Australia, go on, you know you want to!

Some people have been seen kissing their mules goodbye, lately.

"Mind Your Manners": Lessons In Etiquette For Brisbane's Footballers

"I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right?
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun"

'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', written by Robert Hazard (1979) and made rather famous by Cyndi Lauper (1983)

Brisbane's footballers will soon be enrolled in the Ponds Institute Finishing School in a strategy that academics and etiquette "experts" hope will solve the issue of sexual violence.

The footballers will undertake subjects in elocution and dining etiquette. They will be able to obtain credit for previous deportment and grooming and previous achievements in waxing, pampering at day spas, wearing all the trendy, tight lycra gear and grunting eloquently at the media.

CEO of the Ponds Institute Finishing School, Ms Boitoi said although respect for women was not part of the curriculum, dining etiquette was particularly important for footballers because high profile sportsmen are continually faced with temptation and are therefore targets for opportunistic little tarts.

"When a woman is sexually assaulted - especially by members of a football team - it's her own fault," she said.

"Everybody knows that - particularly in this town."

Ms Boitoi went on to explain that what footballers need to learn - if they find themselves in a toilet cubicle with a young lady, (and their team mates are there too - with or without their mobile phones) - is that someone might contact the media.

"It's all about the brand," she said.

Miss Onmessage, an academic from the University of the Unreal World, and anointed ideologue and expert in sex crime said that although football groupies don't exist, it was important to reinforce to the community that young women having a drink at a pub are fair game.

"Some just want to use their feminine wiles to brag about having sex with footballers," she said.

"If you bat your eyes at a footballer at the bar, gang rape in the toilet becomes a tricky thing to complain about."

Miss Onmessage warned footballers to be aware about predatory groupies just hanging out for toilet sex, before heading off to write a 1000 word opinion piece about sexualilty and female emancipation for the Murdoch press, and receiving some well deserved university medals for promoting neoconservatism.

More White Anting Of Brisbane's Public Transport

From 'The Westender':

Locals miss the bus

Highgate Hill residents are objecting to loss of local bus service Route 192.

The current 192 bus route runs through the steep streets between the Brisbane River and Dornoch Terrace in Highgate Hill.

It only runs seven times a day with three buses in the morning to the CBD and four in the afternoon.

The streets are so steep that an aged or fail person would no chance of walking to the proposed new 192 route along Dornoch Terrace.” said Councillor Helen Abrahams

Local Councillor, Helen Abrahams, said the changes to the bus route would make life difficult for older residents.

“I am sure even an able bodied person would find Sankey Street a challenge, particularly in summer,’ said Cr Abrahams

“I am told the route is being removed due to low patronage numbers” said Helen Abrahams

‘I am sure the new 192 Route along Montague Road and Dornoch Terrace to the University of Queensland will be very popular but this impact on Highgate Hill residents needs to be managed” said Councillor Abrahams

“I call on the Lord Mayor and Translink staff to investigate changing the ‘Hail and Ride’ bus to fill the gap of the loss of this important commuter bus service” said Cr Abrahams

‘I would be available to work with Council and Translink staff and local residents to find a solution’ said Councillor Abrahams

http://www.westender.com.au/news/182/17/Locals-miss-the-bus

What Sort Of F*ckwit Steals The Crabs From Someone's Crab Pot?

I suppose when you live in a country where
your leaders lie and cheat
it's not surprising that
if you leave your crab pot on the broadwater
some complete f*ckwit will steal the crabs
all week

I'm sure the folks at Aqua are over the moon that all that lovely public money is going to be spent on "amenity" to encourage customers, however, the rest of Division 4 doesn't need extensions to fishing platforms - but a community garden would be nice!

Of course, a police officer would understand that cyclists must always give way to pedestrians.

Grow Your Bush And Burn Your Bra, Get A Trade And You'll Go Far

It's a hard knock life and we all have to do our bit

"Somewhere in middle America
Get right to the heart of matters
It's the heart that matters more
I think you better turn your ticket in
And get your money back at the door"

'Omaha', Counting Crows (1993)

With Brisbane's favourite feminist intellectual blogger: Annie Anywhere

Hey grrrrls! Today I had an epiphany and parted company with Nouveau FM. This means I can devote more of my precious time to you dear readers, and the enthralling literary meanderings of my blog.

I promise it's going to be different from now on. No more facile, sexist rubbish about pashing other girls - now it's full on propaganda about getting busy with a trade.

Grrrrrls, I cannot emphasise how important it is in these troubling times that we all band together for Empire and President Bush's enconomy, he he he. This means your talents in construction and mining are now back in vogue - and not just your boobies he he he! And you know there's something going down when you see Smart State leaflets about capping consumer loans at 48% - wow! at your local library.

http://www.justice.qld.gov.au/4070.htm

But seriously, Princess Cottontails pretended to care at the National Press Club this week, so we all need to follow her example and tighten our belts for awareness and the common cause.

As a symbolic gesture, I've decided to grow my bush for Bush. No more brazilian waxes for me.

Anyway, I'll be online tomorrow afternoon to talk about trades between 12 and 3, and although tradespeople will be hard at work at that time, I'd encourage you to hop online and share your views - even though I'll be drinking mojitos at the Alhambra Club, and a cadet will be in charge. But never fear, with my Black'nBlueberry I can stay in touch.

I've given up my integrity. What will you sacrifice for Empire?

Outrage Controversy Shock Slammed

K.N.O.B.S....vision for the future

A billboard on the Ipswich Motorway and a men's underwear advertisement on the back of a bus have been slammed for causing outrage, controversy and shock.

"The billboard is a distraction and could cause accidents," said a local councillor who for some reason always gets to air his point of view in the mainstream media.

A spokesperson from Queensland's peak motoring body agreed.

"The safety of Queensland motorists is conditional upon billboards featuring the word "SEX", semi-naked women, and/or as you travel further west, sayings from the bible," he said.

An advertisement for men's underwear which was to appear on Brisbane City Council buses created such an uproar that it was both slammed and condemned.

"It features a man in his underwear and is entirely inappropriate," said a Council spokesperson.

"Advertisers should stick with the objectification of women on our buses and in shop and gallery windows."

It is understood that commuters aren't buying enough personalised number plates or men's underwear.

Spokesperson for the Keep Numerous Outrageous Billboards Society (K.N.O.B.S.), Mr Snortin-Lines, said his members specialised in coordinating Public Relations campaigns to run as news stories in the mainstream media.

"K.N.O.B.S. have a vision for the future which expands upon this technique - which is the oldest trick in the book," he said.

"Some would say that as K.N.O.B.S., we have already accomplished our goal."

World Leaders Converge On New York To Take Action On Poverty

World leaders have converged in New York this week for the World Poverty Conference.

The leaders will grapple with world poverty by making speeches, holding urgent meetings and pretending to care.

They have analysed the major threats to wealth and have concluded that unless a trillion dollars are given to extremely wealthy people immediately they are in danger of becoming poor.

Prime Minister 24-7-11 had a top level de-briefing with the word's greatest media mogul - Mr Fox. PM 24-7-11 explained the problem and the solution to Mr Fox's stenographers at the ABC.

"You know, poor people are already poor. It is the richest 1% of the world who, proportionately, will be vastly more poor if they can't keep up the free market system upon which they rely so heavily to enwealthify the hordes of poor. Those poor are always looking for a hand out, even after we gave them the freedom to become truly wealthy by earning money in the open market, what have we got from them? Nothing! Still as poor as ever," he said.

"You know, we can't help poor people if we are not rich ourselves. It says that in the bible. This trillion dollar initiative is the only chance we have of ensuring that there are not a whole lot of extra poor people to add to all the poor people we already have. Why? Well, you know, this system we have needs the extremely rich to balance the extremely poor. Without the extremely rich there would be no political donations, no corporate media to inform people who is best to vote for, therefore there would be no politicians and no democracy. Without all of those things we couldn't even for a committee to create a framework going forward for poor people in poverty."

Then he had to go and present a giant novelty cheque for $800 billion to Goldmen Sacks for services to poverty.

In far more important news, a pig somewhere got into a garden. Or something like that. The share market reacted positively.

Triumph International Union Leader and Thai Labour Activist to Tour Europe to Press for Workers' Rights: CCC PRESS RELEASE

(Amsterdam) On September 23, the Clean Clothes Campaign will welcome Ms. Wanphen Wongsombat of the Triumph International Thailand Labour Union (TITLU) and Ms. Premjai Jaikla of the Thai Labour Campaign as they tour Europe to press Triumph International to ensure compliance with its Code of Conduct, international labour standards and basic human rights.

Ms. Wanphen Wongsombat and Ms. Premjai Jaikla will begin their tour in Norway and continue on to Sweden, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland. The two will discuss working conditions and labour relations at Triumph International's subsidiary, Body Fashion Thailand.

The union recently went on strike to protest the dismissal of its union president, Ms. Jitra Kotshadej, in relation to her appearance during her private time in a national television debate wearing a t-shirt with the text 'Those who do not stand are not criminals. Thinking differently is not a crime.' The t-shirt refers to the right of people not to stand when the royal anthem is played and the abuse of lèse-majesté legislation to suppress political opposition.

From July 30 until September 13, more than 2,000 workers were on strike to demand reinstatement of their union president. In an agreement to end the strike, Triumph International insisted on letting the Thai courts decide the case instead of reinstating Ms. Kotshadej. The union members, fearing for their jobs and under high pressure because of a lack of financial resources, had no other option than to sign the agreement. The Clean Clothes Campaign remains concerned about the company's commitment to uphold its Code of Conduct, which explicitly includes freedom of expression and freedom of association.

"Triumph should stop misusing the courts and simply make good on its promise to protect freedom of association and expression," said Tessel Pauli, Urgent Appeals Coordinator for the Clean Clothes Campaign.

Ms. Wanphen Wongsombat and Ms. Premjai Jaikla are hoping to meet with representatives of Triumph International at its headquarters in Germany and Switzerland to discuss problems at the factory and urge Triumph International to ensure protection of workers' rights.

The Clean Clothes Campaign has criticised Triumph for denying Ms. Kotshadej the basic human right of freedom of expression, which is part of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, as well as of the OECD guidelines for Multinational Enterprises that lays down the principles companies should adhere to regarding labour and consumer rights.

City's River Icons Solve Commuter Chaos

All Aboard!!!

Council has commissioned some of Brisbane's best known river icons to help solve the city's peak hour public transport crisis.

The Island, S.S. Forceful and the Kookaburra Queen will operate on different routes along the Brisbane river to reduce commuter pressure on the citykats and ferries during peak hour.

Head of Council's Public Transport Committee Councillor Carsrule said Brisbane commuters would be able to use their "YO" cards when using the service - which will be known as Public River Icons Commuter Kybosh Service or P.R.I.C.K.S.

"P.R.I.C.K.S. is how commuters view the people in charge of public transport in Brisbane," she said.

"I have a sneaking suspicion it's because while we outwardly present an image of improving the city's public transport, we are actively and strategically undermining the public transport networks."

On weekday mornings, the S.S. Forceful will steam up the river dropping working Australians to their high powered and very important jobs in city offices, while the Kookaburra Queen will offer devonshire teas and travel at a more leisurely pace for the benefit of workers who wear smaller lanyards.

In the evening, the Island will collect the 100s of passengers from the Riverside ferry stop and deliver them home. There will be a happy hour between 5 and 6 featuring a very loud covers band and discount drinks. On Friday evenings there will be a BBQ, salads and party party party!

The Global Economic Crisis (Starter's Kit)

Memo to the Minister for Infrastructure, Transport, Regional Development and Local Government, we are citizens NOT clients. In fact, memo to all politicians: we are not "consumers" or "clients" we OWN YOU! That isn't shouted rhetoric or a protest slogan, it is a fact. We OWN you!

Henry Paulson wants unlimited powers without any oversight whatsoever. He tells the clowns at Fox and CNN and CNNBC (or whatever) that unrestricted, unregulated power placed in the hands of an elite few is all we need to save the world from a bit of financial bother. Uckfay Offay, Mr Paulson and all your Ate-mays who created this cr*p in the first place.

Why worry about the market when there's a business suit you can wear in the shower? Seriously, that was one of the lead news items in Australia today [22/9/08] as the financial pillars fold beneath our house of sea-front cards.

For the first time in living memory, the start of trading on the ASX was delayed. The biggest news our media could come up with from this was to report that the latest leader of the opposition blamed it on the Rudd government.

So the news of this was: "Stocks are soaring", what? Right back up to where they were last Monday!! Wucking Owfay! Apparently this was because the A.S.I.C. had to finalise the terms of their 30 day ban on short selling. Of course nobody really cares that this is the magical free market taking a well earned public holiday and letting taxpayer's hold the can while the markets have a breather.

Sudden, massive international government regulation, instant allocation of over a trillion dollars to fix a problem. Surely the latest gymnastics of the world's leader proves that these things can be done. We haven't heard a peep from the "Global Financial Meltdown Deniers" or from the "It's All Normal Cycles" set, so we should be able to assume that this stinks worse that a bucket of Itshay!

So when are they going to do the same for climate change?

Today was all about the ultra rich closing out positions at the expense the rest of us. The client states are rushing to do their bit.

Queensland To Get A Model Town: Believe It Or Not!

Good planning for all Queenslanders: Believe It Or Not!

The Government is going to set up a new town called Believe It Or Not!, which will be built on the outskirts and will house 120,000 souls who are expected to move to Queensland over the next decade.

Believe It Or Not! will have schools, hospitals and a fully integrated public transport system. Every house will have solar power, tanks and storm water harvesting, while each street will have a community permaculture garden.

"We can't wait for a crisis and we would like 40% of Believe It Or Not! residents to work there too," said the politicians.

"In the past no-one really cared about planning, but our developer mates are a bit bored and need a little project," they added.

It is not known whether the government will use Believe It Or Not! as a prototype for other towns throughout the state where public services are being closed down or amalgamated.

What Does It Mean When The State's Secret Police Are No Longer Undercover?

If I were paranoid I'd be worried that this vehicle was parked at the front of my house this afternoon!

"Still Brutally Male": What A F*cking Farce

"I call you, when I need you my hearts on fire
You come to me, come to me, wild and wild

You come to me, give me everything I need
Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreams
Speak the language of love like you know what it means
And it cant be wrong, take my heart and make it strong, baby

You're simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone
I've ever met!
I'm stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say
Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead"

'Simply The Best' written by Mike Chapman and Holly Knight and made quite famous in the Smart State by Tina Turner (1989)

Brisbane loves its thugs, sorry, heroes, sorry who promoted them as heroes?

Watching the Melbourne "Storm" vs the Brisbane "Broncos" last night [20/9/08] was like watching a bad episode of Rock 'N Roll wrestling.

Gamesmanship? Sportsmanship? They even got irritated with each other when they forgot their moves, no actual biffo of course, just a bit of girly shoving and pushing.

Is it just me or does the fact that two competing teams are owned by the same individual mean the competition may not be a genuine one, and that the only person who seems to be winning is the neoconservative puppeteering them from across the Pacific?

And wasn't it nice to see how companies who advertised their products during the game took advantage of this week's media hype to ram home the "men rule" message?

Good acting slaves!

Wonder what time they printed the 'Sunday-Mail'?

"And then a hero comes along

With the strength to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look inside you and be strong

And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you"

'Hero', Mariah Carey (1993)

The Herd: CIA Operatives? You Decide

The Herd did the whole "we hate the Howard regime" thing. Whoopee for them. Then they did that song about "The King is dead, everything must change, we danced like New Year's eve, we danced from sheer relief...." Or something along those lines, anyway.

They did the guest programming for John Howard's ABC's Rage this evening [20/9/08] and it would seem that the King is, in fact, alive and well and not a thing has changed.

We expect the Herd to criticize the Rudd Government at roughly the same time as Midnight Oil.

Bring Back Our F*cking F*shing Rods You F*ckwits

thanks to the individual who
stole our tackle, fishing rods and bucket
not the surfboards or anything else
you really are a f*ckwit

World First: Queensland Establishes Prostitution College

The Government has announced that $400,000 will be spent on establishing the International College For Whores (I.C.W). in Queensland.

The I.C.W. will be the first in the world and therefore be world class and have world class facilities.

Soon to be Vice-Chancellor, Professor Sally Strickt, said that the I.C.W.'s variety of courses would be available to everyone.

"I am particularly excited by our courses in sleazy post parliament antics for politicians, or P.P.P.s," she said.

"I've observed some real gaps in knowledge there."

Professor Strickt said the I.C.W.'s mission statement - "I do you good" - sends a positive message to the community about selling your body and your soul for money.

No one will say the money would be better spent on establishing urgently needed shelters for women because feminists should get over themselves and get in touch with their true sexuality.

The only individuals who will speak out against this initiative are outraged god botherers and the opposition with their "damned whores and god's police" world view.

"The I.C.W. will make it possible for the Smart State to have the smartest whores in the world," said the Acting Leader.

The Acting Leader went on to explain how the development of the Regent into a boutique cinema was a win for Queensland Heritage, given it is already a "boutique cinema".

"The blame game stops here - silly old Joh - what a dreadful man he was knocking over Queensland's Heritage and all that," he said.

It expected that the I.C.W. will be attached to the Ponds Institute, along with the soon the be established $100 million W.E.I.T.R. (White Elephant In The Room) which will promote climate change.

PM Unveils $100 Million White Elephant In The Room

Look over there!

by Parliamentary Correspondent: Issey Foreel

Australia's PM has announced an exciting new taxpayer funded initiative that will not offend the fossil fuel industry.

$100 million will be spent on expanding the Ponds Institute to incorporate a new entity which will be called the White Elephant In The Room or W.E.I.T.R.

Next week, the PM will meet with the UN in a series of pointless meetings with a view to coordinating nothing in particular. It is not known if the delegates and various Limited News journalists will then proceed to Scores.

"The W.E.I.T.R. will save us from the grave threat of climate change," he said.

In a related measure, the Government plans to pass legislation that will also make the fossil fuel industry very pleased.

"Lawn Bowlers Drink Too": Netball Captain

Lawn Bowlers...out of control?

The Captain of the Lyrebird's Netball Team has slammed the media's biased coverage.

CCTV footage recently revealed the team having a second cup of coffee at the Coffee Club during the lead up to the finals. In the footage, the Captain and Vice Captain are seen having an extra piece of carrot cake, and later behaving obnoxiously in the toilet - putting on lipstick, checking if their bums look big and giggling about the waiter.

"I make a small transgression and now I'm fair game," she said.

"Lawn Bowlers drink too, and many of them are out of control. Can't we just focus on the upcoming final," she added.

The Lyrebirds General Manager said it was totally unfair for media outlets to be picking on the team, and that when Lawn Bowlers do something wrong it only appears in a tiny paragraph on page 10.

"Have you forgotten who my boss is? We run this town, so don't you forget it," he said.

But the Lawn Bowlers spokesperson expressed concern that Lawn Bowlers were being unfairly singled out and that it was people who play petanque who were behaving like neanderthals.

"And what about darts players?" he said.

"Why don't you go and pick on them?"

In related news, Brisbane citizens are all welcome to attend the "Killing People For Big Bucks" conference to be held at the Convention Centre at the end of next month. There will be all kinds of cute robots and other machinery you have seen in Disney movies, so it is sure to be a hoot - just don't take your "No War" placard!

Report on Community Cabinet Rally and Meeting:

An Email From Yungaba Action Group [17/9/08]

Thanks to all those who came along to support the Yungaba cause at the Community Cabinet on Sunday [14/9/08]. Our rally was rather overtaken by hundreds of vocal unionists demonstrating for higher wages, but we did wave the flag for Yungaba. Inside the event, we were able to ask several questions in the Open Forum about Yungaba. The response from the Premier was the usual story we have been given from day one - that the building had been sold, that some people would not agree with this, but that Yungaba was an old building, that it was too difficult to turn into a museum and that overall, the Government believed that they were doing the best thing for Yungaba by selling it.

Yungaba Action Group were unable to meet with the Deputy Premier but did meet with his Parliamentary Secretary who told us that independent Heritage and Town Planning experts would be employed (from outside Queensland to ensure objectivity) to write a report on the situation in order to help the Deputy Premier to arrive at a decision on the development. Yungaba Action Group expressed their disappointment that their Appeal had been circumvented by the call-in. We had great faith that the Court Appeal process would have allowed all the arguments to be aired in a fair, just and open forum. Now, we have no idea what the terms of reference will be for the “independent” experts nor who or what their consultation will encompass. In short, once again the community has been shut-out from the consultation and decision making on Yungaba.

http://www.yungaba.org.au/

'L to Z Yellow Pages' Wins Smart State Literary Award!

The 'L to Z Yellow Pages' were awarded the 2008 Literary Award at a glittering ceremony last night.

Judges said the 'L to Z Yellow Pages' was an uncontroversial and unchallenging text which reinforced community predjudices and the status quo.

"Just what we're looking for in books these days," they said, just before signing the $25,000 cheque and swinging their super sized, super important lanyards in unison.

Although the 'A to K Yellow Pages' was expected to win, given that it had been serialised in the only paper in town this year, it didn't.

Other 2008 winners include:

Emerging Media: Something from the creative industries precinct which prompts outrage because it contains swearwords

History Book: 1997 Refidex

Literary or Media Award Advancing Public Debate: This category went unawarded for yet another year

Best Queensland Author: Are you kidding? This competition is all about selling books, so we awarded the prizes to established Australian authors who live elsewhere.

Too Locale: A Play About Your Town

Starring:

Token Gay Man as "Name Dropper"
Racist Old Has Been as "Silly Old B*gger"
Brainwashed Giant Plasma TV Addict as "Sports Nut"
Feral Enviro Fascist as "Eco Warrier"
Doormat as "Busy Mum"
Fat, Ugly, Spinster as "Too Much Information Woman"
And
Desperate, Divorced and over 40 as "Divorcee"

With...

Philandering Father
God Bothering Nutjob
Domestic Violence Lady
Nosy Dobber
Tiny Minded Gossip
Irritating Social Climber
Emo Girl
Loud Car Stereo Boy
Sassy Sex Worker
Leaf Blower Dude
Breast Cancer Woman

And special guest star….Pouffeney!!!!

Act 1: Who Are The People In Your Neighbourhood?

It was a bright sunny day in Rupert Town, capital of the wholly owned subsidiary of News Corporation.

Busy Mum leapt out of bed and into her Free Trade Zone running outfit. She was super fit and yummy.

"Come on Pouffeney!," she called.

Out the door and into the street, bouncing along the footpath - her glossy ponytail swishing and her iPod booming.

She spied Silly Old Bugger at the end of the street pruning his roses.

He gave her a wave.

"Hi Silly Old Bugger," she said.

"Hi Busy Mum," he replied.

"Don't you just love being categorised?" she asked.

"Too right!" he replied, adjusting his pants.

"No doubt I suffer an interrupted stream," he remarked.

"Of consciousness?"

"No. I'm getting up several times a night."

"Oh well. Are you going to the fringe festival?"

"Yes. Breast Cancer Woman and I will be there with bells on and I think Divorcee is coming too."

"OK. Well, see you there."

"Cheerio!"

He watched her running off down the street with Pouffeney close behind. [EXEUNT]

Australia Elects A New Acting PM

Australia has a new Acting Prime Minister - Sir "I've had a hard life, get your violin out" - Ternbill.

In an interview last night with Australia's eminent establishment emasculator - Red Kerry - Sir Ternbill discussed Goldman Sachs, beards, the Costello conundrum, legal issues and austerity.

"The world may bark, but I'm not a silver tail, I'm a tern bill," he said.

Although many of Australia's citizens were excited by the prospect Sir Ternbill's leadership - especially after seeing 'Four Corners' a couple of weeks ago, some wondered whether Sir Ternbill was Sarah Palin in drag, or if Australia would would be better off with Robert Mugabe in charge.

"What happened to the generic baked beans and raspberry jam?" asked the pensioners.

It is understood that there will be a tickertape parade in Holt Street, Surry Hills, followed by a lunch at Augustines with Bob Carr next week - so check your Murdoch columnists for details.

Poor fellow my country.

Vulnerable Blokes Get Sheds

No, not this bloke or his group

City Hall: with Kerry Krooke

Civic Cabinet has signed off on a program which will enable community groups to establish blokey sheds for Brisbane blokes.

Council will offer $20,000 to certain groups in a cynical and symbolic gesture to combat the supposed isolation, loneliness and depression suffered by Brisbane blokes.

"We are trying to create an inclusive Brisbane by pretending to care about a very vulnerable group in our community," said the City Hall Leader.

"Men can go to the sheds, do a bit of metal work and wood work, away from the pubs - even though only an out of touch politician would say that people still go to pubs," he said.

Although Brisbane women are being turned away from domestic violence shelters, the sheds will help certain fundamentalist christian groups recruit new members.

Dear Prime Minister,

Please stop quibbling over the past, going on about the opposition's history of neglect, and how the Labor Party are legends. Just give pensioners some money, after all the capitalist economies are going down the sh*tter and they are going to need it.

Perhaps you could shave it off some of the billions from taxpayers that you give to fossil fuel industries every year.

Thanks,

The Australian People

(We see what our political class is up to, and we don't like it)

Unveil Your Passions: QSE Media Release

QSE returns to the Roma Street Parkland to expose the hidden desires and obsessions lurking beneath the surface in Twelfth Night.

"Nothing that is so is so," says Feste the clown, which sets the tone for The Queensland Shakespeare Ensemble's (QSE) production of Twelfth Night when it opens at the Roma Street Parkland Amphitheatre on 2 October 2008.

Twelfth Night introduces audiences to the exotic land of Illyria, where an eclectic cast of characters hide their true emotions behind a mask of excess. This vibrant production explores a topsy-turvy world where the masks people wear to protect their everyday lives also prevent them from truly connecting with each other.

Under the stewardship of nationally and internationally renowned Artistic Director Rob Pensalfini, QSE builds on its reputation for staging vibrant productions that bring Shakespeare's words to life in an engaging, accessible manner.

Twelfth Night celebrates QSE's second-year of performing at Roma Street Parkland, in an ongoing tradition that began with the smash-hit season of Much Ado About Nothing in 2007. Live music and food are available one hour before each performance, and patrons are encouraged to come early and enjoy the festive atmosphere in a beautiful parkland setting. Pre-orderable picnic hampers from DeliOz, and dinner and show packages with Eves on the Park are available through OzTix now.

Unveil your passions with QSE and experience the mirth and mischief of Twelfth Night.

Twelfth Night
The Amphitheatre, Roma Street Parkland
2-5 / 16-19 / 23-26 October
7:30 pm Thursdays-Sundays excluding Sun 5 Oct.
2:00 pm weekend matinees
Tickets: Adults $25; Concessions $15; Groups of 10+ $15
Bookings through OzTix: www.OzTix.com.au or 1300 762 545

Taskforce To Tackle Brisbane's Cr*p Sunday Night Reporting

Minister Judy..."Get me out of here!"

A renewed crackdown on cr*p Sunday night reporting is set to bore everyone witless with the establishment of a joint taskforce between Brisbane City Council and Queensland Police.

The joint taskforce - Operation Graffiti - will track down any Sunday night propaganda and spin masked as reporting.

Offenses relating to dubious advances in screening for cancer, bogus drivel about non-threatening graffiti and nauseating smart state nudge nudge wink wink blather will be dealt with accordingly.

"It's a great investment. We have special equipment - whatever that means - and will arrest any individuals associated with this grave problem," said the City Hall Leader.

Minister Judy agreed.

"Although I look very uncomfortable with this crackdown, it's a small price to pay in the dying days of empire." she said.

Queesnland Government Talks Tough On Heritage

The Minister for Creaky Old Buildings has announced a new pro-active approach to tackle Queesnland's 1,560 heritage properties.

After the only paper in town alerted the government to the problem of heritage buildings owned by the Brisbane City Council and/or their friends, he has finally decided to do something about it - what a champion!

Prior to legendary reporting by the only paper in town, who generally ignore heritage issues, the Creaky Old Buildings and History Council relied on dobbers, who they mostly fobbed off.

"Enough is enough," said the Minister.

"Queesnland is reeking and oozing with history and we're going to fix this heritage problem once and for all."

A source close to the Minister has said that the Deen Brothers are on high alert and Queesnlanders can expect a revolution in heritage in the coming months.

In related news, be vigilant, don't use public transport, get in your car and whatever you do, don't go to tomorrow's [14/9/08] Community Cabinet meeting (1.30 PM Belmont State School) to protest the Queensland Government's plan for Yungaba.

Mister Ed Rounds Up Gold Coast Truants

Mister Ed...new role in youth affairs

Star of the hit 1960s television show of the same name - Mister Ed - has been recruited by police on Queensland's Gold Coast to help round up truants.

The new program, known as "Get back to school you little deadsh*ts" is the brainchild of head horsemen of the apocolypse and police spokesperson Sergeant T. R. Gas.

"Mister Ed adds a human face to this bizarre and totally over the top approach to dealing with truants," he said.

"Although truancy on the Gold Coast isn't a problem, for some reason police and other authorities are hell bent on demonizing young people and trying to scare the sh*t out of them and their parents."

Mister Ed has been spotted in the vicinity of Elanora trotting about, whinnying, going neigh neigh and looking for young n'ere do wells so he can tell them to get back to school.

Although he is a horse, of course, Mister Ed has held a number of government positions including presenting a scathing report on last year's horse flu outbreak in Australia.

Rudd on Art: "Absolutely Revolting"
Rudd on Psychopathic Cruelty To Unarmed Animals: ?

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd described the Bill Henson photographs as "absolutely revolting" even though no charges were pursued and all the classification bodies found them to be acceptable. Mr Rudd, June 2008, said:

"My reaction was very clear cut," he said.

"I've been asked many times since then, 'Have I changed my view?' ... I have not changed my view one bit."

Today [11/9/08] the news was full of a video put online by a pathetic bunch of gutless children. The video showed a wallaby being bashed senseless and the person filming was laughing. It is a direct reflection on the psyche of 'Howard's' (now 'Rudd's') Australia that such attitudes and behaviour are increasing. A few weeks ago it was a bird left with its wings torn off, there were bashed Koalas and countless attacks on cats and dogs.

Torture is acceptable. In fact the message is that torture is necessary and violent, mindless cruelty is the way to prove your supremacy over the world.

Kevin Rudd has not, and will not, treat this latest manifestation of our brave new proto-fascist country with a fraction of the indignation he had for the art of Mr Henson. He can't, because this type of behaviour is exactly what the neo-cons have purposely engendered.

Surely this analysis is over the top? Why then has the clip been played over and over on all the TV news bulletins today and tonight? It is not sensationalism, it is a voyeuristic celebration and confirmation of the neo-con agenda as pushed by the enabling media (that includes your ABC, regrettably).

(UPDATE: see "Anti-Muslim Computer Game Stirs Wave Of Anger" story [13/9/08].

Brisbane's Cyclists And Pedestrians Face Mandatory Desexing

Why is every second movie being screened during "BIFF in the burbs" 'Cars'?

The Brisbane City Council will trial a new initiative to counter escalating irritation with pedestrians and cyclists on inner city streets.

Council Officers will randomly select pedestrians and cyclists trying to cross at the CBD's most dangerous intersections (i.e. outside the riverside offices of large legal and media firms where the important people in Brisbane work).

The pedestrians and cyclists will be driven to an undisclosed location (at 40kilometres an hour) to have their knickers knacked by a doctor whose identity will remain a mystery.

"It's for their own good," said the City Hall Leader.

"I don't think it goes far enough," said the Opposition City Hall Leader.

Spokesperson for Queensland's peak motoring body agreed.

"They'd better watch themselves," he said, revving his engine.

"Just because this initiative probably might be trialled and won't end up being implemented, does not change the fact that pedestrians and cyclists are second class citizens."

A Council spokesperson said that the mandatory desexing of cyclists and pedestrians trial reflects Council policy in relation to offering sensible and practical services for the community.

"To that end, we certainly won't be offering to desex cats and dogs for free, or at a nominal cost," she said.

"That would be crazy."

After speaking with their buddies in the health and pharmaceutical industries, a spokesperson from the state government agreed.

Opposition Has Mandate On Old Age Pension

The dream team that was never meant to be

The Opposition has decided that old poor people are not responsible for their own misfortune. The shadow spokesman for gross hypocrisy and bald-faced terminological inexactitudes, Mr Tony, has blamed the elitist blue blood ALP Government for the plight of useless old people.

"When the people of Australia resoundingly voted for us to be their preferred opposition they sent a strong message to those elitist union bosses that we must be listened to. People forget that when we were in government and also controlled the senate it was impossible to increase pensions for old people because there was no effective opposition to force such an economically irresponsible move," he said.

Mr Tony went on to point out that old people, generally, didn't contribute anything to the economy until 25th November last year. He now says: "old people use private health care if they can afford it, even poor old people cause vast amounts of taxpayer dollars to flow into the coffers of massive US health monoliths via such vehicles as the pharmaceutical subsidies, the 'John Howard Deafness Levy', the privatisation of green and gold blood, and all those healthy organs we want to send overseas. You have to understand that the market has spoken and it's voted with its ears, not a committee (pause for applause)."

Going forward, it looks very, very, very ph*cked from here. Thanks for pointing the finger, Mr Tony. Now we know who to blame for this neo-con nightmare.

Mr Tony said: "Remember, we warned that this would happen if you didn't vote for John "God" Howard, and you ignored us. You wouldn't listen to Gerard Henderson, Glen Milne, Andrew Bolt, Tim Blair, Janet Albrechtson, that bloke from the Australian Israel Jewish Affairs Committee (or whatever it's called), Dennis Shanahan and so on. You only voted for the ALP because Rupert Murdoch told you to, and you did so because he is good friends with Nicole Kidman. Well, we take our responsibility as opposition even more seriously than we did our responsibility as government. As we say in our publicity material: 'We'll save you!'".

On Monday Mr Doc Nelson will move a private member's bill to reduce federal politicians' income to $275 per week.

Communist.

QPAC Sets The Stage For A Major Refurbishment:

Hilariously Titled Media Release from the outgoing Minister for Education, Training and Arts (10/9/08)

A $34 million refurbishment of the Queensland Performing Arts Centre is set to enhance its reputation as one of Australia’s best arts venues.

Arts Minister Rod Welford said the refurbishment was much more than a face-lift for the 23-year-old building, with new seating, lighting and acoustics and a central glass lift set to improve the QPAC experience for all.

“The QPAC refurbishment will provide significant and equitable access to arts and cultural activities for all visitors,” Mr Welford said.

“As owner of the Cultural Centre, our Government is proactive in delivering access for everyone. When QPAC was built, disability access standards were only being developed and the building was constructed with multiple staircases and fixed seating.

“The refurbishment, addressing equitable seating and convenient location of public amenities, requires complex engineering solutions.

“The improvements include more seating choices and easier access in the Lyric Theatre and Concert Hall for patrons with a disability and their guests.

“A new central lift will make access easier for all visitors, taking patrons from ground floor entrance to balcony level. The box office and cloak room will also be revamped.”

Mr Welford said the Lyric Theatre and Concert Hall would be closed from November 2008 to February 2009 for maintenance, repairs and overall upgrades.

“While the theatres are closed, we have this vital opportunity to upgrade the lighting and acoustics and install a modular stage for the Lyric Theatre,” he said.

“These upgrades will cement QPAC’s reputation as one of Australia’s best venues for the performing arts.”

Mr Welford said QPAC’s Playhouse and Cremorne theatres will stay open throughout the refurbishment, with business as usual throughout the Cultural Centre.

Abigroup is the managing contractor with Cox Rayner as architect and principal consultant.

(Could it be the chequebook is out for the last hurrah? Unfortunately it appears the mushroom carpet is here to stay! Actually I'd like to see this architectural abomination demolished. Perhaps we could get it heritage listed, that should do the trick!)

The Emporer Has No Clothes

by John Maynard-Keates

you can't burn down parliament
with a government grant
because they'll only laugh at you
no matter how you rant

there is no point in saying that
you can change things from within
that the system is the only way
the best way to begin

can't you see that we
have been sold a lie
our lives belong to others
from birth until we die

it's corporate feudalism
administered by the state
our so called democracy
doesn't function mate

the structures and the processes
are corrupt and corporatised
this has happened quite literally
before our very eyes

there is no cancer cure
and yes your bum is big
your dick is small, your tits are flat
and everything is rigged

your body is imprisoned
poison fills your mind
every human instinct
is now commodified

violence at your doorstep
terror in your name
i see and hear the drumbeats
it's off to war again

a scam and a charade
take a closer look
the emporer isn't wearing clothes
and we are ruled by crooks

ask your brother and your sister
take the time to think
don't obey your masters
and have another drink

they may have us scrambling
like rats within a cage
but it won't last forever
though they try to silence rage

the truth is revolution
don't believe what you are told
so we can have a chance of peace
before we get too old

Look Out Wall Street: Here Comes Ann Street!

Brisbane City Council is giving Wall Street hedge and soveriegn funds a run for their money with the launch of the City Hall Fund For Rich Well Connected B*stards or C.H.F.F.R.W.C.B.

The fund - which belongs to the people of Brisbane - derives from the sale of Brisbane's water assets to the Queensland Government.

"A board of the usual suspects has been appointed to the C.H.F.F.R.W.C.B. and they will know exactly what to do with the more than $120 million sloshing around," said the City Hall Leader.

Although Brisbane's citizens urgently need appropriate public transport, subsidised solar panels and water tanks, the City Hall Opposition Leader said the C.H.F.F.R.W.C.B. should be used to pay for the tunnels.

Nobody really knows how Brisbane is going to pay for the tunnels - although ratepayers have a sneaky suspicion they will be paying, even though they won't be able to afford to drive on them.

The public money is expected to be siphoned off for projects that Council and the corporate media call infrastructure, that will actually line the pockets of an elite group of developers and businesspeople.

Yawn.

Climate Change: Just Shut The F*ck Up!

"I like to be, under the sea

In an octopus' garden, in the shade."

'Octopus' Garden', The Beatles (1969)

Your world: with E.T. Scheme

Tourism operators on Queensland's Great Barrier Reef say climate change dialogue is scaring everyone away.

"I wish people would just shut the f*ck up about climate change," said Mr Bucksbeforegrandchildren from "We Love Loud Yanks" diving tours group.

"This sort of talk is having a devastating impact on my business. I cannot count the number of people who call me up wanting to know if the reef is still there."

Mr Bucksbeforegrandchildren said a "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" approach similar to that which was taken during the Sunshine Coast fireweed outbreak a few years ago was the best way to address the problem of climate change. He also blamed scientists, environmentalists and concerned citizens for scaring away tourists.

"It's obvious we're not going to be doing anything about climate change, so why don't we just pretend," said Mr Bucksbeforegrandchildren.

"These are the same idiots who are talking down the economy - f*cking truth merchants."

This Week's Dish: Stephanie Rice

1 attractive, young woman
several gold medals
1 large slice of vicious sexism

Coddle attractive, young woman and market her to the general public to the point of overexposure.

Stir slowly by revealing "saucy" and assorted YouTubes and images of fabricated sexual encounters and/or intoxication and/or eating disorder.

Plunge into the deep fryer.

Drain, discard, repeat.

Variations on this recipe: Brittany Spears, Lily Allen, Amy Winehouse, Lindsay Lohen, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie.

Australian Troops To Invade Russia! - Not Ruled Out

Mark Latham's best ex-friend, the Minister for Peace, has not ruled out Australian infantry being sent to Afghanistan to kill people. On the same day he also failed to rule out an Australian invasion of Russia. In yet another shock development he made no statement whatsoever which could be interpreted as ruling out RAAF bombing raids on China, a Collins Class submarine attack against the elite Scottish Highland Guard, sniper attacks on Pakistani troops or even a full-scale invasion of the Falkland Islands.

"This crazed warmongering has got to stop!" said the opposition spokesman for opposing things.

"If we don't stop this fascist war machine, before we know it he won't rule out a nuclear war with Fiji or North Korea".

The opposition has called on the Minister for Peace to explicitly rule out each and every possible option so that there can be no misunderstanding. The Leader, Admired Nelson, said: "going forward under our framework we will always rule out more things than the ALP."

Shopping Trolleys: Scourge Of Brisbane's Public Places

A shopping trolley...protected by your rates

"Karma police, arrest this girl, her Hitler hairdo, is making me feel ill"

'Karma Police', Radiohead (1997)

Soon they'll be fining us for having the wrong haircut!

You may or may not have seen the recent Brisbane City Council advertisement: "Can you afford another $150 on top of your grocery bill?":

"Shopping trolleys look unsightly and out of place when taken from shopping centres and left in public places.

But that's only part of the story.

They can also create a serious safety risk to pedestrians and drivers.

Brisbane City Council is serious about keeping your neighbourhood safe and looking tidy.

From September, if you're caught taking trolleys from a shopping complex or car park, you'll be penalised with a $150 on-the-spot fine for littering."

This new policy is not a deterrent and is totally over the top and downright MEAN. Who uses trolleys to transport groceries and other items away from the shopping centre? Poor people, students and the homeless. But picking on the weakest people is what all levels of government do these days.

And if you are a heartless b*stard and don't care about homeless folks or people who don't have a car, ask yourself why Council Officers should protect shopping trolleys. Perhaps you approve of your rates being used to pay for a Council officer to protect supermarket property? I don't suppose anyone from Council considered asking certain supermarkets why they have cancelled their home delivery services?

What's the bet this fascist policy will be selectively enforced, and Council Officers won't be monitoring suburbs in say Hamilton or Ascot for trolley "pilferers".

Supermarkets should be responsible for their own trolleys. We have a legal system and there are civil remedies available to these multinational companies.

There are also small businesses who specialise in tracking supermarket trolleys.

http://www.trolleytracker.com.au/

Will Brisbane's China Town Go Poof?

Opinionated Ranting: with Tiffany Tosspot

Will Brisbane soon be the only Australian city without a China Town? I certainly hope so. I hate China Town and think it should be demolished and transformed into a wanky pokey out awning precinct for wankers.

It was good to see that Council have fenced off those pagodas - they are an offensive eyesore. I was also happy to hear that the Chinese Club have moved out - this can only bode well for the future of the Valley.

Who cares about history and a unique area of retail outlets and restaurants when it's not being marketed properly? What we need in this town is more pretentious places.

*UPDATE [8/9/08] * Looks like Council are spruiking this Sunday's [14/9/08] Chinese Moon Festival in the Chinatown Mall - what hypocrites:

"Originally commemorating the overthrow of Mongol rule, the Chinese Moon Festival is a centuries old celebration of Chinese food, culture and history.

On Sunday, 14 September, the Valley’s Chinatown Mall will come alive with colour, sounds, and other delights from 10am to 1pm.

Event activities include:

children's cultural activities
lantern parade
Chinese folk art displays

Program highlights:

Chinese moon cakes and lantern display
Chinese dragon and lion dance
traditional Chinese entertainment
market stalls
circus and fire acts"

"Get This Public Utility Privatised Or Else": The People In Charge

Tits, Bums, Footy Scores and Lies: with Poppy Ganda

The elite group of very powerful individuals who run our country have given an ultimatum to NSW and federal politicians regarding the state's publicly owned power stations and electricity retailers:

"Get this public utility privatised or else".

Although the corporate media keep telling the people of NSW that there is no alternative to the privatisation, most don't want this to happen.

But the people have no choice in the matter. The privatisation will proceed, and as with every other scam involving public assets and predatory neocons, the script is being rolled out as I write.

Premier Morris and the Treasurer Costa Rica tried to sell the privatisation at the State Conference a few months ago. They claimed that selling off public assets was the only way to raise money for NSW hospitals and aged care. The unions wouldn't buy it, but they persisted.

Prior to this, the State Education Minister was suspended because of a scandal. How this is related to the forthcoming privatisation I don't know, but my gut feeling tells me that it is. His wife is a Federal Government backbencher, and has been duly rapped over the knuckles and crucified by the media for something that probably has nothing to do with iguanas.

The shadow federal education minister claims something happened to Brendan on a plane, but this is all part of the nudge nudge wink wink bread and circuses designed to distract the proles from what's really happening. Obviously political puppet strings are being yanked to the point of strangulation by some pretty powerful thugs.

Speaking of married couples and education, the former State Education minister (who is married to the Federal Minister for Infrastructure, and stood down after the last election to spend more time with the fruit of their loins) was appointed the Deputy Premier on Thursday.

Premier Morris resigned yesterday [5/9/08] - clearly he's been squeezed out of the deal - and no doubt the unions will give the go ahead to the privatisation now a "former garbage collector"has been appointed Premier.

Yet another example of the carpet being pulled out from under our feet and against our will.

But it's not all bad news for the good folks of NSW. The Deputy Commissioner of the ABCC will soon be appointed an executive director of the NSW Director of Public Prosecutions.

Brisbane's Free Public Transport Outrage

A report into Queensland's new "YO Card" system has revealed that tens of thousands of commuters have been getting a free ride.

"It's outrageous," said a spokesperson from the Department of Public Transport.

"Some of us have thrown our hands up in the air at the incomprehensibility of free public transport."

A spokesperson from a public transport lobby group agreed.

"Free public transport for the people is a reasonable solution to congestion and getting cars off the road," he said.

"But although I can't explain it - it's just not within the realm of possibility."

The unions also slammed the "YO Card".

Stupid, compliant governments awarding multi-million dollar contracts to multi-national companies is another reason why we should not have free public transport.

When Wallabies Go Bad

when wallabies go bad
you know its looking grim
Iemma sacked Costa
and then caucus sacked him

Wello says that parents
should go back to school
picking on teachers and parents
he must think they're fools

Uncle Pete is such a legend
the reef he's going to save
from some rich developers
wow! isn't he so brave?

Penny lost it in the senate
for the water's running out
and the Murray Darling's future
appears to be in doubt

Cloncurry has no water either
and George Street does not care
that in the public hospital
the kitchen is quite bare

killing for empire and resources
continues on behalf
of all Australians young and old in Afghanistan
and Iraq

Aussies do not care
about Obama or Mccain
or Palin for that matter
'cos they're all the bloody same

the market is collapsing
our currency is stuffed
someone's making lots of money
and it's certainly not us

Professor Garnaut has released
his supplementary draft report
he says we need to do something
but the ETS is a rort

to delay as long as possible
is the name of the game
Australia's in the pocket
so things will stay the same

trajectories and contexts
don't mean a damn thing
frameworks will not save us
from land clearing and coal mining

so what will Quentin do?
now she's been sworn in
does the décor need an overhaul
or will she sack Kevin?

the hurricanes are closing in
and turmoil lies ahead
but the national press club will help you
sleep soundly in your bed

the market and economic growth
may have us in its thrall
but the wallabies are restless
I think they know the score

How Very Dare You!

Although throughout question time in the Senate yesterday [4/9/08] the Senate President often directed Senators to make their responses through the President, the correct procedure, Senator Evans was not restrained from directing his response to a particular question very directly and forcefully to the nominally independent Senator Fielding (from a group called "Family First"):

Senator FIELDING: Mr President, I ask a supplementary question. Earlier this year the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare released a report showing that in 2006-07 almost 70,000 children went with their parents into crisis centres for the homeless. That figure is up almost 30 per cent from the previous year. More than two-thirds of the children sleeping in crisis accommodation were under 12 years of age. The average age was just six years old. Most of the school-age kids were not attending school. Isn't cutting welfare payments for parents whose kids cannot get to school because of homelessness going to make the problem even worse?

Senator CHRIS EVANS: Senator Fielding, no. I think that is a very simplistic attack and it really does not do justice to the size of the problem. What the government announced the other day was an attempt to have a new approach to try to get kids to school-to try to assist families to ensure that their kids go to school. We all know that that is so important for kids' chances in life. We announced that we had a program as a last resort to try to help those families deal with the fact that they were just not coping as a result of the other measures that were put in place. That is a serious policy addressed to a serious problem. Homelessness is a serious problem that we are also addressing in a very fundamental way. There is a link between the two, but our approach is to tackle these problems head on. I stand by both initiatives and they will both contribute to getting a much better result in terms of support for homeless kids.

The hide of the man! This crazed ideologue [Fielding? or Evans?] seems to think that publicly guaranteed education for children is important. How very 19th Century of them both! The purse-carrying Senator Evans did not address the heart of the question and it bears repeating:

"Isn't cutting welfare payments for parents whose kids cannot get to school because of homelessness going to make the problem even worse?"

If you think this is a good idea, we propose going even further. If a child from a family which is not claiming any government assistance wags school then that child's family should be fined the equivalent of the fortnightly Centrelink payment. For example, a rich kid from Toorak wags school, his family would be fined $1242.70. And to drive the point home, the family's main breadwinner will have to personally deliver the cash in fortnightly instalments - by public transport - to the most distant public school in their state's jurisdiction.

It's only fair.

Shopping Centre Bans Hats and Bonnets

The Youth Of Today...Out Of Control, Just Ask Anyone But The Youth Of Today

The Word On The Street: with Henrietta Whoreitabout

The media beatup of hoodies, hoons, hoodlums and gang violence on the NSW border has lead to a shopping centre ban on Hats and Bonnets.

The shopping centre has introduced the new dress code because security guards take too many steroids which shrink their willies to the size of a cashew.

"We put a sign up last week, just like that lovely limited news journalist suggested," said shopping centre manager Mrs Eileen Right.

"If you aren't being a good little consumer, you aren't welcome in our shopping centre."

Detective Inspector Grumpy-Bum from the border police said that it was good that the shopping centre had set up a new dress code.

"Hats and Bonnets promote issues, fear, anti-social behaviour and graffiti," he said.

"Pack 'em off to get their balls blown off in Afghanistan - that'll sort 'em out, I mean isn't that what all this attacking of young people is all about? Keep them stupid, make them nationalists, relentlessly demonise people in far away countries, whip the handy youngsters into an ugly frenzy and solve all our problems by sending them off to a pointless war. I may just be a country copper but I'm not an idiot, we all know that's been the drill for over a century. It's a proud Aussie tradition."

A Department of Education spokesperson said, "Blah, blah, truancy, programs, family, yadda, yadda, I don't want to say anything that means anything, so please don't mention my name in this story, I have an important job and don't want to get a white feather in the letterbox, here we go, here we go...."

Brisbane Gets Into The Swing Of Separation

Where Else But Queensland?

"The brightest row of gems that glow
Upon the British Crown
Are these Australian States we know
And Queensland all will own
Is of them all the brightest gem
That decks the royal diadem"

George Essex Evans

Celebrations are already underway as the Queensland capital gears up to commemorate 150 years since separation from NSW. Today [4/9/08], some folks will gather in Reddacliff Square to sing, tapdance, salsa and swing in a joyous display of historical appreciation. The highlight will be a parade of clowns - some of whom will ride uni-cycles throughout the CBD before getting abused and knocked over by the HSV precision driving team in a fleet of maroon coloured commodores.

Brisbane is known throughout the world for loving its history to the point of obliteration, so next year's festivities are sure to be very exciting. Caboolture's own Keith Urban will be commissioned to write the new state anthem: 'Taking Queensland To The World, One Boatload At A Time', and the City Hall Leader will commission a book titled 'HA HA HA I Am In Charge: Why I Hate West End? And Why It Must Go'. It will incorporate stories written by Brisbane's fair and balanced media and literary elites. Community Groups who don't criticise the coal industry will be awarded assorted and various grants.

Other exciting events will include re-enactments of Captain Logan's failed rice plantings at Redcliffe. An interpretive dance evening featuring the State's achievements such as stolen wages, the demolition of historical buildings such as the Belleview and Cloudland and the Paddington Tram Depot fire will be presented at the River Stage. Environmentalists will converge upon the state for the "Barrier Reef Is F*cked" conference, the Brisbane Broncos and the Gold Coast Titans will dress in period costume to re-enact the first sitting of City Hall, while one of City Cat fleet will be overhauled to play the role of The Lucinda - wild rumours are currently circulating as to who will play the role of Sir Samuel Griffiths.

QUT's Creative Industries precinct will host a short film festival - the theme of which will be: Why Joh was such a Bast*rd, and how everything is so much better now, and various historical societies and heritage consultants will hold a cocktail party in a luxury inner-city apartment overlooking the river to celebrate their achievements over the years.

So get involved - Queenslander!

Australian Democracy:

One Day You're Gonna Get Caught With Ya' Pants Down

In the Senate today [3/9/08], the late Senator Sue Boyce caused a minor hiccup in the otherwise pre-determined failure of the Federal Government's promised changes to increase the taxes rich people and corporations pay when they purchase luxury cars. When normal people buy normal cars they pay tax. When rich people buy expensive foreign luxury company cars they pay a tax deductible tax, meaning that normal people's tax picks up the tax tab. The Senate vote was about whether luxury car tax should go up just a bit.

Sounds fair, doesn't it?

Senator Boyce might not think so. She "didn't hear the bells" and they'll have to be rung again for the Senate to vote to ensure that the move to increase taxes on the rich fails. Your local News Limited paper will predictably rail against the huge extra expenses incurred by her failure to show up and the need to reconvene the vote (electricity, staff, overtime, paperclips, rent, bells 'wear and tear' and so on). Hang on! Sue Boyce is a (big "L") Liberal and this is the vital process of ensuring that normal Australian taxpayers continue to subsidise rich people and foreign businesses. Expect the Murdoch press to leave the "additional expense outrage rort" angle aside this time.

The Senate's website has useful information about how the Senate works for new Senators to check out, if they want to be up to speed, it's at: http://www.aph.gov.au/SEnate/pubs/guides/briefno16.htm and includes:

"In practice, divisions may also be held again by leave if misadventure prevents a senator reaching the chamber and the result does not reflect the voting strengths of the parties and independents. Misadventure may include mechanical or electronic failures leading to malfunctioning bells or lifts. The Senate invariably grants leave to ensure that questions are not determined by accidents of this sort."

In this case the Senator says that she didn't hear the bells. That may be a "misadventure" and the result presumably does not "reflect the voting strengths of the parties".

So why do they persist with this charade? Why not have a similar system for us when we realise we've allowed a dud to be voted in by misadventure (say Florida 2000 or Ohio 2004)?

Journalism Is Dead: Be A Part Of It

Spring Hill Voice is pleased to announce that the profound and fascinating "Journalism Is Dead" conference is coming to your neighbourhood.

Given the recent upheaval in our industry, it's never been more important to network with like minded individuals in a race to the bottom.

Will we all lose our jobs? How do I sleep at night when I lie all day long and screw people over? Why are Brisbane's most prominent blogs run by political parties? If I set up a blog, how can I suck up to Bowen Hills while pretending I am independent? How can we ensure the real voice of the people is subdued and crushed?

So get involved - we need your cash!

Speakers include all the well remunerated usual suspects who will bore you sh*tless with their F.I.G.J.A.M. presentations. You will yawn out loud when they discuss the digital revolution, the death of the newspaper, business models and obediently and studiously ignore the real problem facing the future of journalism i.e. concentration of media ownership. None of the speakers will touch on what twenty years of being a one paper town has done to democracy in Brisbane because they are gutless wonders.

Sessions include:

Pandering To The Establishment And Pretending To Be Something That You're Not: The Right Thing To Do

Quality Journalism: Writing Sexist, Racist Propaganda For Twelve-Year-Olds

The Truth: A Malleable Concept

The Sun: How It Shines Out Of Rupert's Bum And Why We Should Kiss It

And

Threatening To Sue For Defamation: How To Silence Dissent

View the full program at: www.circlejerk.com

Speed Up Your Building Process With Council Program:

BCC Media Release (3/9/08)

Brisbane City Council is dramatically fast-tracking the approval timefor low-risk development applications under a RiskSmart program that saves money, time and stress for residents and businesses. Neighbourhood Planning and Development Assessment Chair Amanda Coopersaid the program - which began in July last year - can not only fast-track eligible applications, but also gives customers a 25 per centreduction fee for all RiskSmart applications, resulting in instant costsavings for the applicant.

“Under RiskSmart, Council accredited town planners can submit simple projects like building a deck or small extension to an existing residence, adding space to industrial buildings or small subdivisions to Council for a quick approval within five working days,” said Cr Cooper.

“The applications are still assessed with the same level of rigour as more complex developments, especially if they occur in character pre-warhousing areas.

“However, specially trained consultants can rapidly check straightforward applications against Council’s set regulations and accelerate the process for millions of dollars of development across Brisbane every year.

“Although the RiskSmart process has been available for almost a year,Council receives an average of 4,500 applications annually so there’s plenty more applicants that could be taking advantage of the program to fast-track their applications and save money.”

Receiving a quick approval also means that property owners can sav emoney by setting firm dates for proposed work, resulting in builders and other tradespeople being able to better plan their labour schedule. Accredited consultants that handle RiskSmart applications also benefit from processing the applications more quickly.

“RiskSmart is part of my goal to make Brisbane City Council the most efficient place for processing development applications in Australia by 2010,” Cr Cooper said.

“The program gives Council’s development assessment teams more time to concentrate on complex applications.

“More than 300 applications have already been submitted through RiskSmart since it began in July 2007.

“If you or someone you know is planning to do some building or development, ask your town planning consultant about RiskSmart - it could save you a lot of time and money.”

The following renovations are examples of development assessment applications that fit the criteria for RiskSmart applications:

Building a deck or small extension on an existing residence

Building a new house in a Demolition Control Precinct

Building an industrial building in a new industrial subdivision

Building extra office space in an existing building to accommodate a new tenant

Small extensions to a shop or office in an existing shoppingcentre

Building small blocks of units in suitable locations

Subdividing six or less blocks where services can be shared through existing infrastructure To contact an accredited consultant or find out more about RiskSmartvisit: www.brisbane.qld.gov.au.

Gold Coast To Be Renamed "Confused"

Confusing Signs: Threatened Species Day [would've thought it's every bl**dy day! - 7/9/08] on the Gold Coast

A confused Sandy Crack reporting from our "Gold Coast" Bureau

Gold Coast City Councillors say the Gold Coast is confused and should therefore be renamed to that effect.

"Southbound signs on the M1 confuse tourists, who, when they reach the northern parts of the suburb - soon to be formerly known as the "Gold Coast" - they often decide to stay," they all said, before shuffling off to lunch with some other people in white shoes.

$140,000 of ratepayers money will be used to correct this confusion, in an effort to placate wealthy business owners in Sur-face Paradise who are fretting about the economy and the dwindling number of tourists willing to travel the extra mile to Sur-face.

The state roads department were approached to replace the signs, but although they can usually do things quickly, it was going to take them five years to change the "Gold Coast" signs to "Confused".

One Councillor, who continuously rails against hoons and hooligans, suggested driving down the MI and knocking the signs over.

Council Library Hippy Ban

City Hall: with Kerry Krooke

Council Opposition have slammed a new policy which will ban hippies and inappropriate hippy activity in Brisbane's libraries.

As of January 2009, long flowing skirts, tie-dyed outfits, beads, sandals, macramé accessories, dreadlocks, mung beans and tofu will not be permitted in Council libraries, and neither will people who wear or eat these items.

In addition, library security guards will be given powers to remove and/or taser anyone looking too relaxed, or suspected to be engaging in dangerous and unauthorised activities such as yoga and tai chi.

"This new policy is outrageous," said the Council Opposition Leader.

"But you can be sure that there's more to all of this than I am going to say, and of course actually doing anything about it is out of the question."

The City Hall Leader defended the ban and said it was in line with Council's progressive "Libraries for the People" plan, which promotes Brisbane libraries as places for neat, well-behaved consumers, clients and promotional events.

"Libraries are places for making money - the outrageously high late fees are a case in point," he said.

"Ratepayers quite willingly pay these late fees without blinking, so hiring out meeting rooms to organizations who can pay is a more egalitarian approach."

"Put A Sock In It": Children's Author Told

"I think it's tragic, possum magic!"

'Possum Magic', The Boat People (2005)

Popular children's author Foxtrot Alpha Charlie has been told to "put a sock in it" after she made an unsanctioned remark about child care.

Bearing in mind their friends and acquaintences who run child care centres, furious government officials have lashed out.

"Everybody knows in this country writers and artists aren't allowed to have an opinion - hasn't she seen what happened to Richard Flanagan?" said Femme O'Nasty from the Department of Gettinwomenonthetreadmill.

"What does she know? She should stick to writing about possums and magic. Doesn't she know we have an important writers festival coming up? We don't want writers coming to Queensland thinking they can say anything they like."

But Mr Misogyny from high profile family group "Dad Rules" didn't agree.

"As you know, our organisation is about families, not women or children and so I automatically misinterpret and misrepresent statements about mothering and use them to support my view that women should be barefoot and pregnant," he said.

Divorce And Bushwalking: Think About It

Where Else But Queensland? with Stacey Statenthebleedinobvious

New research undertaken by the Ponds Institute has revealed that Queenslanders should think twice about divorce, while avoiding bushwalking, and above all - need to be told what to do.

"Whereas married couples once didn't think twice about ending their marraiges, they now do," said the report's author Dr Love.

"My groundbreaking research also indicates people stay together for a variety of reasons, and none of them have anything to do with bushwalking."

Dr Love's colleague Professor Strangelove, who has been compiling a report on the impact of bushwalking on the community, said many Queenslanders were far too frivolous about nature.

"Queenslanders should think very carefully about bushwalking. I have to agree with the authorities that it's a very dangerous past time. Indeed, if they like nature so much, what's the point of trying to rescue them?" he said.

Dr Love and Dr Strangelove are currently working on a collaborative project - "Just Think About It" - which they hope will unravel the mysteries of love, and dispel the myths associated with the outcome of pointless research which gets published in the corporate press to distract people from real issues.

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