Zero Tolerance For Surfers' Civil Libertarians

A Civil Libertarian...menacing

A new zero tolerance strategy to be implemented by the Cold Toast City Council, will permit law enfarcers to round up Surfers Paradise's civil libertarians.

The civil libertarians will then be checked with a metal detector, tazed, and forced to go shopping at Specific Fair - ALL DAY, followed by a re-education session at the happy clappy church of their choice!

Earlier this month Council announced that before being allowed on the beach, surfers will soon be frisked, breathalised, drug tested, and required to walk through a metal detector, and that peacful protestors would be required to don bikinis, ride jetskis, visit the Wax Museum and go to Dreamworld. (see stories below).

A Council spokesperson said that these initiatives form part of the new Cold Toast law and order strategy, designed to distract citizens from the real issues i.e. declining tourist numbers, increasing crime relating to economic hardship, and violence caused by bouncers pumped full of steroids.

The spokesperson has advised 'Spring Hill Voice' that talks are underway with Defective Inspector Plastic, who is expected to lead the crackdown on civil libertarians.

"She is extremely busy with other important civic initiatives [see stories below] , but is very keen to get involved with this one too," he said.

Councillor Crackpot said it was time to "crack down" on civil libertarians as they were the worst of the worse.

"Enough is enough, and I think I speak for all politicians when I say we need to do this before it's too late," she said.

"The point is to vilify anyone with a sense of decency who speaks out against injustice."

Thanks Anna!

"The coal industry is underpinning everything that we do."

Premier Anna Bligh on the ABC's 'Stateline' propaganda 1/2 hour for the coal industry [30/5/08]

I used to enjoy my walk from Biggera Waters to Southport along the Broadwater. Now, because of your bogus parkland plans, I am forced to walk along the stinking highway, risking life and limb, to get to the Southport CBD and Australia Fair because the pedestrian underpass at Southport has been fenced off.

Sorry Australia Fair, but like many other northern Gold Coast residents, I'm going to have start walking the other way, and take my business to Runaway Bay.

In addition, will the Prime Minister and Premier of Queensland get involved with the publicity surrounding the 70th anniversary of the Royal Brisbane and Women's Hospital? And if not, why not?

Happy Queensland Day to the man responsible for managing Labor’s Queensland investments!

"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable."
John F. Kennedy

Spin Doctors Strike

Australia's spin doctors have gone on strike. They marched on Canberra's Parliament House today [29/5/08].

They were chanting:

"What do we want?"

"Outcomes, benchmarks and moral relativism!"

"When Do We Want them?"

"In terms of going forward!"

Mr Shill Foranything, their unrepresentative representative said:

"We're sick and tired of cliched sound grabs. We're not going to deliver the daily slew of illogical crap that politicians and Limited News hacks need any more."

When asked what it was that these purveyors of half-truths, spin and misconception were demanding, another unrepresentative voice, Ms Sexsellsanything (unrelated), said:

"It's not about money, god knows we already have buckets of that. It's about integrity. We are striking for a 35% increase in integrity! In real terms, our integrity has been whittled away under successive governments and by heartless corporations ever since we morphed into a 'profession' nearly 20 years ago. We used to be recognised by society as equal with used car salesmen, politicians, real-estate agents and Limited News journalists when it came to honesty and integrity, but ever decreasing levels of media diversity and a total lack of government oversight has seen us reduced to the beneath contempt facilitators of fascism that you see before you today. In terms of demands, I will go back to working for Limited News - going forward - if my demands are not marketed to my target demographic, and if you think I'm kidding, I dare you to workshop it or conduct a focus group." she said.

It is understood that the striking spin doctors will return to work tomorrow, and are denying the existence of this report as we go to press. Ms Sexsellsanything will be quoted as saying: "I'll sue. You can't prove a thing. Look over there - pedophiles! How much will it cost to bury this?" Hopeless cr*p-artists the lot of them.

In related news "Solidarity", the new brand of crowd control barriers with electrified barbed wire and GPS systems, will be launched this weekend at the "Democracy, Truth, Freedom and Capitalism Rocks OK!" rally in Brisbane's Queen's Park. Radical!

There will be complimentary dog yoga classes and veterinary checks for all attendees. Organised by a strike-busting spin doctor, of course.

In response to the demands of the striking spin doctors, a Federal Government spokesperson has indicated that as of next week, all screenings of Parliament House question time on the ABC will be replaced with Q & A sessions with CEOs of corporations and advertising agencies - in a similar format to 'The Gruen Transfer'.

Government Crackdown On Elderly Tipplers

In line with their bogus new wowser tax on alcopops (or pre-mixed alcoholic beverages if you're not a yank), the Federal Government have placed a temporary halt on the sale of hip flasks, introduced a new tax on sweet sherry, and banned shandys.

The measures were announced in Parliament this week in an attempt to curb the current spate of binge drinking amongst elderly Australians.

It has been reported that since the Federal budget, seniors have been hitting the bottle hard at bowls clubs, RSLs and community halls around the country.

"The alcopop tax has been really successful, but something now has to be done about seniors who are overdoing the shandys and the sherrys, and lurching around with their hip flasks on full display. The companies who make these products are clearly targetting the elderly population," said Minister Rocksoff.

"The AMA have spoken out about it, and did you know that the Opposition Leader used to be the Head of the AMA?"

'Spring Hill Voice' encountered pensioner Mr Jim Corduroy-Slacks, as he was burying his hip flask in the backyard.

"I died in the war for this country and what do I get? Dog food on toast," he said.

"My only solace in this cruel world was having a nip of whiskey from my hip flask."

His next door neighbour Mrs Eileen Oldpeopleglasses, was also unimpressed with the Government's new measures.

"I'm already stocking up on cooking sherry just in case," she said, tending her azalea bush.

Minister Rocksoff also indicated that as a result of the finding of the "Wrinkled People Are Sacred" Report, interventions would soon commence around the nation to remove any grey nomads who might have contraband hidden in their winnebagos, and put them in a nursing home.

"Nursing homes and big pharmaceutical companies know how to control these people," she said.

In unrelated news, a little birdy told me that QANTAS wanted to change the employment classification of its engineers to unskilled labour. That's why they're p*ssed off.

“Exorcists” Return To Arms Dealer Immediately After Court:

Media Release [29/5/08]

A group of nine people opposing the presence in Brisbane of one of the world’s biggest arms dealers, the Raytheon Corporation, today returned to continue a Rite of Deliverance (exorcism) at the company’s Murarrie offices.

The group claims that Raytheon, the worlds’ third largest dealer and manufacturer of armaments, has made a literal killing since September 11, 2001. The price of their shares went up 40% in the following month, in anticipation of retaliatory attacks, before any war had been declared.

Two of the “Chrisitians Against ALL Terrorism” group had just been to court at Wynnum to face a charge arising from their first action against Raytheon on the 24th April. On that occasion office staff allowed them to enter the front office where they lit candles, sprinkled holy water, and recited deliverance prayers. They then posted the walls with pictures of victims of Raytheon missiles, and poured human blood on them in the shape of a cross.

On that occasion Raytheon declined to press charges. Instead police charged them with refusing to obey a police direction.

Today, at 10:30 am, members of the group repeated the rite, this time in the foyer in front of the Raytheon main entrance door. Once again they poured blood on the glass door of the company, and pasted photos of children killed and maimed by Raytheon bombs.

Spokesperson, Anne Rampa said, “We realize that, as St. Paul said, our battle is against principalities and powers, not flesh and blood. We are all in the grip of a belief system that legitimizes the use of horrific violence in order to maintain the current world disorder. We believe that we will never get the world we all yearn for if we don’t exorcise these sprits of violence, greed, indifference, fear, and deceit from our midst, and the midst of the money-makers, who make a fortune from our obsession with the violent solution.”

The group left the foyer after 20 minutes of praying, and then stood on the footpath with banners. Once again Raytheon executives declined to press any charges when police arrived.

“Obviously, Raytheon are too embarrassed by their war crimes to press charges,” Ms. Rampa said.

New Height Restrictions Cast A Shadow Over Brisbane's CBD

City Hall's new planning laws will require all developments in Brisbane's CBD to be higher than 30-storeys.

"As well as meeting this height criteria, the building should cast as large a shadow as possible over the Botanic Gardens regardless of where it is located," said the City Hall Leader.

"Then all the trees and plants will die, the duckies and the flashers will leave, and we can bulldoze this useless eyesore and build a shopping centre."

Industry sources are tipping the shopping centre would be named "Shady Central" and will boast 10 Kreepy Kreme outlets.

According to the opposition City Hall councillor, Mr D. Vine's "French Quarter" development (see story below) will comply with the new planning laws.

"Why on earth would any City Hall councillor speak out against rich developers?" he said.

This time last year the limited news reported that another property on Alice Street would be developed into a 50-storey hotel with room for 5000 luxury cars. Since then their cadet property journalist, Ken, has reported the owner decided to renovate instead.

An architectural representation of the other proposed hotel on Alice Street...plans on hold?

Why didn't the mainstream media cover the 2008 Brisbane Zombie Walk?

Brisbane Punk Rock History

http://web.mac.com/punxie.poison/Punxie_&_The_Poison_Pens/Brisbane_Punk_Nostalgia.html

Invitation:
Come to the Community Graffiti-in

At the Hale Street Bridge site

10:00 am

Sunday, 1 June

Hale Street Bridge construction site

end of Riverside Drive, West End

Bring your paintbrush or spray can and tell Campbell Newman what you think of his toll bridge - or just observe the fun.

This bad project will cost the people of Brisbane well over $300 million and will make Brisbane's traffic congestion problems worse. The impacts on neighbourhoods in South Brisbane, West End and nearby suburbs will be severe due to increased traffic volumes and rat running.

Premier Anna Bligh should refuse to support this project or to allow Campbell Newman to place a toll on this bridge.

Stand up for your community!

Let us know if you can take part on Sunday.

Contact the Stop the Hale Street Alliance on 0434 391 702 or eva8human@yahoo.com.au.

Mt Coot-tha Acquires Iconic "Single In" Franchise

Brisbane's iconic Mt Coot-tha will soon be even more iconic when it gets is very own iconic Single In.

'Spring Hill Voice' can reveal that one of the new Single In franchises will take pride of place at the top of Mt Coot-tha, and involve the demolition of the iconic and heritage listed Pinnacle Restaurant.

Guests to the Mt Coot-tha Single In will be transported on the iconic new cable car, which Queerland Tourism announced a couple of weeks ago (see story below).

"There will also be a "drive-thru" for locals, and the Single In will be staffed by underpaid fifteen-year-olds who will ask at great speed if you'd like fries with your passionfruit sponge, and tell you to have a nice day," said Single In spokesperson Miss Fluffy Sponge.

The uncontroversial demolition of the Pinnacle Restaurant has not raised any eyebrows around town.

"To be honest I'm glad it's being demolished - every time I've ever eaten there they never let me sit by the window," said Miss Sponge.

"And before you ask anything else, no, the original Single In fitout will not be reassembled - it's in a warehouse on the northside."

Ban The Bombs: From 'GetUp!'

As the international community is meeting in Dublin to ban cluster bombs - that saturate the ground with mini-bombs awaiting innocent civilians - our government is going out of its way to frustrate the process.

They're calling for their own stockpile to be excluded - and for the treaty to be watered down. We've got just a few scarce days left before the fragile international agreement is drafted. Sign the urgent petition today telling Kevin Rudd to ban the bomb: no loopholes, no exceptions.

Mr Rudd,

We believe that the international community needs a global agreement to categorically ban cluster munitions. We call upon you to ensure that Australia plays an active role in creating an international treaty that is without exceptions, exemptions or loopholes.

http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/BanTheBombs&id=346

Residents Protest Boat Show Helicopters

A helicopter

This weekend's Wankery Cove Boat Show is causing consternation on the northern end of the Cold Toast.

Helicopters, transporting wealthy boat buyers to and from the show, have been flying non-stop and some Cold Toast residents have had enough.

Labrador resident, "Pouffeney" said at first she thought it was the police chasing the big, naked, black man who has been breaking into houses in the area.

"When I found out it was rich folks being ferried to and from the boat show, I thought to myself, that's a bit ruff." she said.

"Pouffeney"..."a bit ruff"

"Why aren't they being transported to the show by boat? After all, it is a boat show."

Double The Trouble As Brissie Goes French

The proposed twin towers...oh so chic!

Brisbane will soon have a French Quarter - and as with many recent "cultural precincts", it won't emerge organically, it will be plonked in the inner city, look ridiculous, and require the demolition of heritage buildings and a whole lot of publicity from the limited news.

Project leader Mr D. Vyne said the proposed French Quarter was actually bogus, but for the benefit of the brainwashed few who read the limited news, he said it would be unique in that it would include two replica Eiffel Towers.

"We will also have croissants, baguettes and men in striped shirts (wearing berets and sporting la moustache) playing accordians," he said.

"This has absolutely nothing to do with Donald's November visit to the Gold Coast."

Mr D. Vyne..."Ooh La La"

Meanwhile former Brisbane alderman, Patrick Mayne, has spoken from Toowong Cemetery, expressing his concerns about the project.

He was cranky about his, and the family plot's of other Brisbane historical figures at the cemetery, being disturbed by the construction of a tunnel - but had other things on his mind.

"What a load of old codswollop this development is - smashing up an authentic old Brisbane warehouse, which could have been transformed into a lovely space for all to enjoy," he said.

"They could have at least picked a Brisbane architect to design the monstrosity."

Mr Mayne, whose bequested family fortune assures the continued existence of the University of Queensland Medical School, was also critical of present day politicians' plans for high rises, roads and tunnels.

"The key is to plan for the future," he said.

"That's what I did, but this current crop of fools will be the death of Brisbane."

Patrick Mayne...back from the dead, and very cranky indeed - especially about the way he was portrayed by UQP.

PM's office knew of Habib rendition before it occurred:

Greens Media Release [23/5/08]

In answer to a question from Senator Nettle published in today's 'Australian', it has been revealed for the first time that senior officials from the Prime Minister's department were involved in a discussion about whether Australia should agree to Mamdoub Habib's rendition to Egypt.

"The public need to know whether the Prime Minister was involved in this discussion," Senator Nettle said today.

"Why did the Prime Minister not act to stop an Australian citizen being sent to Egypt where he was tortured?

"Every month more is revealed about the Australian government's involvement in Mr Habib's rendition.

"The Greens are calling for a judicial inquiry so that we can get to the bottom of this shameful chapter in Australia's history.

"We should not have to rely on investigations by the FBI to find out about this Australian citizen's torture in Egypt and interrogation at Guantanamo Bay.

Senator Nettle will continue to pursue this matter with the Prime Minister's Department in Senate estimates on Monday.

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

"This is the horrible paradox of our times - an increasingly popular cause consistently ignored by those in power. For the politicians, it's too hard, there are too many toes to tread on - especially the sensitive toes of the religious right. As yet this is not a vote-winning issue.

I think, though, that it's just a matter of time. In one federally funded report in 2005, called 'Ageing in Place', many respondents talked about their fear of ending up penniless and in a nursing home. They volunteered their views on assisted suicide and euthanasia, despite not being questioned on these matters. One eighty-one-year-old respondent said: "I'd rather die than give up my independence. Euthanasia will be my choice so I can say goodbye at the time of my choice."

This eighty-one-year-old is typical of thousands upon thousands of old people whose wishes are being ignored. Our societal ethos is all the other way - we spend millions on keeping people alive, regardless of their preference. That's forcing an increasing number of old people, who have never taken a radical or law-breaking position in their lives, to become politicised. At a time when they had hoped for a peaceful old age, they're joining euthanasia societies to lobby for change, or risking prosecution in becoming active members of Exit."

From: 'Opting Out' by Susan Varga, 'Griffith Review': Staying Alive: From the Heart of the Human Condition to the Challenges of Life and Death, Spring 2007

From cradle to grave, governments and corporations seek to control every aspect of our lives for profit. Thanks to their enablers in the corporate media, and a small group of religious bigots, the "peaceful pill" - Nembutal - was banned in Australia in 1998.

It's not a co-incidence that as the trial of a 51-year-old woman accused of murdering her 71-year-old partner - an Alzheimer's disease sufferer - in 2006, continues this week in Sydney, articles like this one - about Nembutal - appear on News Ltd. pages:

"About 200 terminally ill people from Australia, Britain and the US have visited Mexico since 2001 to buy a cheap, widely available euthanasia drug.

According to the Mexican newspaper Reforma cited Exit International, the Australian pro-euthanasia, non-profit organisation that promotes Mexico as a destination for patients seeking to end their lives.

"On the basis of Exit research, the best places to visit are the 20-odd (US-Mexico) border crossings, from Tijuana in California through to Matamoros on the Gulf of Mexico," the group said on its website." [20/5/97]

One wonders if these corporate scribes have ever actually been to an Exit meeting? Have they ever pondered their own death? If they were terminally ill and wanted to take their life into their own hands, how would they feel about being legally prevented from doing so? Who benefits from keeping a suffering person lingering against their wishes?

Dr Philip Nitschke may not have been able to speak at yesterday's [20/5/08] public meeting on the Gold Coast because he was giving evidence at the Sydney trial, but it was a worthwhile experience nonetheless.

The fifty or so attendees gathered in the community hall were made up of of Exit members and the general public. We listened intently as the speakers outlined the group's purpose, planning practicalities like wills, how to obtain an Advanced Health Directive, and debunked many of the myths surrounding euthanasia.

One of the speakers gave a harrowing account of her sister's death in a private nursing facility. Her sister suffered for eight days before eventually dying of thirst. The speaker's story will resonate with anyone who has helplessly watched on as a loved one dies a prolonged and unnecessarily excruciating death. She urged us to contemplate our own death and not to count on private health, morphine, doctors, nurses or our families to act on our wishes.

Surely in this day and age, the Australian Government has something better to do than continue to persecute a bunch of its elderly, and very ill citizens for rationally asserting their right to a peaceful and dignified death?

Our god-lobby fearing politicians may prattle on about the sanctity of human life, but they know these "citizens" are nice little earners for the private health industry and pharmaceutical companies, not to mention useful pawns in their populist pandering to the rest of their backing structures.

Follow the money before you cast the first stone about euthanasia.

Think about Australia's involvement in the war in the Middle East and all those innocent dead people.

Peace Not Politics

About thirty folks turned out to see former Olympian Lisa Forrest converse with the ABC's Gerry Collins about her new book 'Boycott' at the State Library of Queensland last evening [20/5/08].

Despite a frazzling four hour drive from Kingaroy, Mr Forrest looked as luminous as ever in a crisp white blouse and beige trousers. Brisbane identities Mr and Mrs Stockwell were present - Tracy Stockwell, now the Chair of the Board of the Queensland Academy of Sport, won gold medals for the United States in 1984 after being prevented from competing at the Moscow Olympics because of the boycott. She and the other athletes who didn't compete in the 1980 games were recently awarded congressional medals - the highest award a U.S. citizen can receive. Mrs Stockwell indicated that it was her impression that this was a belated recognition for the U.S. athletes who had to sacrifice their personal goals in service of their leaders' political aims. Ms Forrest was hopeful that this recent development may prompt some similar recognition for those Australians who were deprived of the choice whether to compete in Moscow.

Ms Forrest was sixteen in 1980 when she was named the captain of the Australian women's swim team and the Fraser government ordered the Australian Olympic Federation to boycott the Moscow Olympics in response to the U.S.S.R's invasion of Afghanistan. The A.O.F. defied the government (in a 6-5 vote), and Forrest was thrown into a whirlwind of controversy and criticism. 'Boycott' consolidates her reminiscences and interviews with fellow athletes, politicians and members of the A.O.F.

A cynic might suggest that the serendipitous timing of the book's release - especially given that it is being promoted by the ABC and the 'Courier-Mail' - whiffs of pro-Beijing Olympic propaganda. Indeed only one audience member asked Ms Forrest if she thought boycotting a sporting event was appropriate at any time. Ms Forrest responded by reiterating her passionate belief that sport is a unifying rather than divisive force, but did concede that it was appropriate in circumstances such as South African Apartheid.

There's something to be said for not playing into the hands of the powerful, and 'Boycott' does sound like a good read in that regard.

Exclusive: We Reveal Who Offered Bob Brown a $1 million Bribe!

Unless you get your news from one of Rupert Murdoch's "Limited News" papers or Channel 9, you may have heard that 'Greens' Senator Bob Brown was offered a bribe of one million dollars worth of media support for the Greens in exchange for his vote in the Senate. He says that he was offered the bribe in exchange for a favourable vote to further reduce government restrictions on media ownership and concentration in Australia. He declined. (As we know, when John Howard got control of the senate, the media businesses got everything they wanted anyway.)

'Spring Hill Voice' can reveal that the "media organisation" which offered the bribe was the "Nimbin Puffin-Stuff". Proprietor and "Director of Editorial Direction", Mr C. Kane didn't expect to receive our call and was caught off guard when the "Voice" cub reporter, Mick Brassenden, asked if Mr Kane was behind the bribe attempt. Mr Kane inadvertently went on record as saying:

"Behind it? What? Are you on drugs? I wasn't behind it, I was right there in Canberra right at the front of it! I have big plans for the "Puffin-Stuff" as not only a regional and national force in media and political manipulation, but ultimately as a worldwide force for global domination."

He later asked our cub to consider those comments "off the record", but it was too late.

Mr Kane, who now has substantially achieved those aims, then contacted our Directors and offered to take out a $1 million dollar advertising and "favourable editorialising" deal with 'Spring Hill Voice' in return for supressing this information.

The 'Spring Hill Voice' Bored issued a statement to us through their media advisors stating that:

"The importance of a genuinely independent media to a real democracy is too vital for us to allow political, financial or ideological considerations to interfere in our running of this business. Our business depends on the editorial integrity of our outlet. We are held to a trust to deliver truth and objectivity as our readers rightly expect. If, like Limited News, we were to absolutely junk that integrity and trust then our business model would fail completely, we hold ourselves to the high quality that our 500,000 readers demand. It has been explained to us by our financial advisers that Mr Kane's offer of $1 million dollars of media support would be useful to the organisation's bottom line, but we explained to them that selling our collective souls to the service of lies and neo-liberal propaganda would ultimately ruin this outlet, our loyal readers, and, most importantly, the true purpose of a media outlet. We may as well just copy the failed populist revenue chasing model of our competitors if we went down that path. Besides, we value our integrity and it just isn't for sale. If you misquote us we'll report you to 'Media Watch'."

Mr C. Kane was last seen starting a blog under the title of "Attack of The Toothed Flying Rupert Monkeys" in an attempt to prove that Mr Bob Brown was an environmentalist.

Council Tells Cold Toast Peaceniks: "Get Into A Bikini"

"No War! Wheeeeee!"

Citizens planning to hold peaceful protests on Queerland's Cold Toast will be required to don bikinis, ride jetskis, visit the Wax Museum and go to Dreamworld, as party of Council's new rules relating to public assembly.

It has been reported (in a report!) that tourists who frequent public areas from Coolangatta to Surfers Paradise have been terrified by individuals exercising their democratic right to protest against war and other injustices.

The report stated that it would have been more appropriate if protestors at last year's "Free David Hicks" rallies had worn bikinis and boardshorts, rather than those scary orange jumpsuits.

From now on, citizens will be permitted to hold their protests in public spaces if they wear bikinis and boardshorts. They will also be required to sign an agreement that they will go for a ride on a jetski, visit the Wax Museum and spend a day at either Movieworld or Dreamworld. This will offset the cost to Cold Toast businesses as tourists - who are sure to have their sensibilities so offended by such displays - refrain from visiting.

Mayor Marathon said that he was happy for citizens to protest, as long as they did it in an appropriate way.

"Take the way I held my own recent protest," he said.

"On the surface, it appeared I was part of the Olympic torch relay, but I was secretly protesting against what's happening in Tibet."

Councillor Thanksalot said that he thought the new rules were acceptable in a civil society.

"No one really protests anymore, so what difference does it make?" he asked.

'Spring Hill Voice' can reveal that the new public assembly rules will be enforced by a taskforce headed by Defective Inspector Plastic, who is responsible for Cold Toast's new breed of Meter Maids, known as "Traffic Mistresses". Defective Inspector Plastic is also in charge of the new security patrols on Cold Toast beaches, as well as being responsible for the controversial Public Transport Taskforce based in Brisberg (see stories below).

She is a very busy lady!

"I Don't Care About Climate Change"

I'm not kidding, this is what someone said to me when I told them I was going along to a public forum on climate change.

So what did you do last Saturday? Perhaps you went to Paniyari, or maybe the multicultural festival at Zillmere? If you're of Norwegian ancestry, you probably indulged in a few ales in the CBD as you celebrated Constitution Day.

About 100 souls, including that ASIO bloke and a selection of government and corporate spies, toddled along to a nondescript lecture theatre at QUT for the 'Our Climate At The Crossroads' forum. There was nary a whisper as the delightful Georgia Potter opened proceedings with three of her stirring, guitar-based compositions. The forum was very slick and ably facilitated by the professional Emma Rose from the Ashgrove Climate Group (and founder of GWhiz Car Share - yes, that's the company that Brisbane City Council refuse to provide with parking spots). One notable attendee was Steve Posselt, who last year completed a kayaking odyssey from Brisbane to Adelaide to make a statement about the urgent need for climate change action, and more recently kayaked the Mary River to protest the Queensland Government's proposed dam at Traveston Crossing.

It was clear most attendees at the forum were eager to hear the wise words of Professor Ian Lowe - President of the Australian Conservation Foundation. Professor Lowe is one of Australia's best public speakers. He has a wealth of experience within the scientific realm and is knowledgeable, funny and honest. Early last year he chaired the Brisbane City Council's Climate Change Taskforce. Council ignored most of the Taskforce's report - A Call To Action - and have only implemented tokenistic measures to address climate change. Did you see the Premier and Lord Mayor on tonight's [19/5/08] ABC news? It's business as usual for our leaders, as they sign off on mass road projects and tunnels, while our public transport infrastructure disintegrates before our eyes.

In any case, you never hear much about Professor Lowe in the mainstream media because he presents his arguments in a clear and reasoned manner, and has the capacity to inspire people to act. Powerful folks with vested interests in the fossil fuel industry aren't inclined to allow the corporate media and the ABC to let anyone like that get much airtime!

Although Professor Lowe appeared via an internet hookup from Adelaide, he held us in his thrall for about 30 minutes as he spoke about the devastating environmental impacts of climate change, and the mitigation strategies which need to be implemented straight away if humanity is to have a chance. He recounted his recent hiking trip through Spain, where the landscape is dotted with a renewable energy grid, and the Prime Minister has Australian solar panels on his roof. Evidently our former PM had activists arrested when they tried to put solar panels on his roof, while our new PM has priced them out of existence, and continues the $9 billion annual taxpayer handout to the fossil fuel industry!

Other speakers at the forum included Tanis Fulcher, a student from Brisbane State High School, and the passionate and very articulate Holly Creenane, a Newcastle based climate change activist and the Co-ordinator of the upcoming climate camp.

One of the more interesting points raised at the forum related to community engagement and participation on the issue of climate change. It was suggested that most people don't feel the need to act on climate change because it hasn't affected them personally as yet - especially via their hip pockets or wallets. With peak oil upon us, these folks might have something to say - other than "Reckon I'll buy a green bag" - when only a small number of rich people can afford to drive in the tunnels and on the massive highways and overpasses funded by our rates and taxes.

Indeed, it doesn't help when Government at all levels - and let us not forget that these jokers are supposed to represent us, not corporations and mining companies - have spent the last few decades obfuscating and failing to act on the related issues of climate change and peak oil. The details of a State Government report compiled by the "Queensland Oil Vulnerability Taskforce" in April last year are only now surfacing in the mainstream media.

In the Executive Summary of this report the Taskforce Chair, Andrew McNamara MP states:

"...Queensland's vulnerability to peaking of world oil supplies, and to world supply disruptions, is particularly acute given our oil suuply and demand trends, as well as our regionally distributed population and industrial base."

A documentary produced by the Australian chapter of Association for the Study of Peak Oil and Gas (A.S.P.O.) - 'Australia Pumping Empty' - has some interesting things to say about the billions being spent on Brisbane's road and tunnel projects, but even if the residents of this one paper town did miraculously uncover the details of this screening at City Hall this Tuesday evening - will they have the $30 it costs to attend?

Oh yes. Metro Arts screened the Academy Award winning documentary - 'Taxi To The Darkside' - on Sunday afternoon. But you wouldn't have seen anything in the Rupert controlled mainstream media about this film, which looks at how the U.S. military has tortured detainees in Guantanamo Bay, Afghanistan and Iraq. One of the first local screenings of an Oscar winning movie, for just a 'gold coin donation', and your hapless local joke of a newspaper can't even mention it for fear of upsetting their real constituents. To repeat a comment heard after the film when passing the long queue outside "Kreepy Kremes" in Albert Street: "you poor clowns."

The interconnectedness of climate change, peak oil and the geopolitical struggle for resources (i.e. the war in the middle east) cannot be ignored - yet our mainstream media is doing a pretty good job of it.

It's all rather medieval, wouldn't you say?

Minister Heads To City Of Angels!

"We're off to see the Wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
We hear he is a Whiz of a Wiz
If ever a Wiz there was
If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was
The Wizard of Oz is one because
Because, because, because, because, because
Because of the wonderful things he does
We're off the see the wizard
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz"

Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg, 'The Wizard of Oz' (1939)

Minister Judy...Sport and Policing go hand in hand

Minister Judy will head to the City of Angels next week to visit "The Wizard".

It is anticipated she will do a deal with the head of the La La land police force - a.k.a. "The Wizard" - in order to secure their sponsorship of the Cold Toast Indy.

"Queerland has similar policing issues to La La land, so this sponsorship deal makes complete sense," she said, skipping along the yellow brick road.

"And anyway, with all those fences and barb wire, and security and stuff, Surfers Paradise residents always feel like prisoners each year when the indy comes around."

The Minister also indicated that Queerland's huge problem with hoons and hooligans could be solved by adopting more and more neocon policing strategies.

"Did you know that one prison in La La land could hold all the prisoners in Queerland?" she asked.

Queer Guy To Wave His Tsjuz Wand Over Geebung

He may be in Queensland spending a few cruisy days promoting the Brisbane Myer Centre's twentieth anniversary and giving some style tips to 'Big Brother' contestants, but New York's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was quick to the scene when a 12,000 litre tanker lost its load at Geebung this morning.

Leaving molten rubber all over prim and proper front lawns, the explosive rubber spill called for an expert in this field.

"I say that you should always take advantage of a situation, and so my feeling is that there are two possibilities in this case," he said.

"If Oprah allows Jamie to fly in, I am sure that he and I could really get stuck in and create a beautiful masterpiece," he said.

"Together, Jamie and I could plan a world class bitumenesque slash equestrian landscape beyond your wildest imagination, and I am excited by the prospect of getting stuck in with that bob cat, when it all gets hard."

Gold Coast City Council Bulldozes Spit Dunes: From Save Our Spit

Sadly, The Spit is again under attack - and this time from the GCCC in its apparently unending push to impose a concrete path from one end of the Gold Coast beaches to the other - which happens to be The Spit.

1. Consultation - what Consultation?

Last September SOSA attended a GCCC meeting when Council officers presented the "final draft" of its planned extension to its Oceanway concrete path, starting north of the Sheraton and ending at Federation Walk.

It seemed odd to be consulted about a 'final'.

Nevertheless, SOSA expressed very strong views that destruction of part of The Spit dunes and vegetation for a 550 m concrete pathway was both unnecessary and inappropriate, especially where an existing, level, safe, lit and wheelchair friendly pathway through Phillip Park already services the area, but is in need of upgrading. SOSA also wrote to GCCC including Cr Susie Douglas.

We heard nothing more - from anyone - until a letter (which we did not receive) was sent announcing project go-ahead apparently a few days before work began last week.

For more information:

http://www.saveourspit.com/No_Terminal/news/NewsArticle.jsp?News_ID=100

Controversial Figure To Lead Q150 Celebrations

Former Commandant of the Moreton Bay penal settlement from 1826 to 1830 - Captain Logan - has returned from the dead to lead Queensland's sesquicentenary celebrations.

Captain Logan, who was fondly nicknamed the "Fell Tyrant" by the convicts of olde Brisbane towne, has set up his headquarters in the Commissariat Store on William Street, which was built under his supervision in 1829.

Captain Logan...constroversial figure

"I heard Captain Bligh was having some trouble with the Q150 Celebrations, so I've returned to lend a hand," he said.

Captain Logan said he was "embarrassed" by the Commissariat Store's current tenants, and would shortly embark on a program of evictions and other cruel punishments.

The Commissariat Store...history is boring and embarrassing

"I'm very impressed with Minister Judy and the state's progression as a penal colony, and feel we can integrate some of her ideas with my exciting new marketing policy for the Commissariat Store."

Captain Logan's bold plans include reintroducing flogging of prisoners in the vicinity of the Commissariat Store - particularly those who make complaints about their treatment.

Minister Judy said she was happy to discuss Captain Logan's proposal, even though he was a controversial figure.

"It's just that right now I'm very busy generating publicity for the new GPS Alcopopometers," she said.

Minister Judy...we live in hope that one day she will announce a sensible policing initiative!

Swan Delivers A Rockin' Budget Night Performance

"Way down upon de Swanee Ribber,
Far, far away,
Dere's wha my heart is turning ebber,
Dere's wha de old folks stay.
All up and down de whole creation
Sadly I roam,
Still longing for de old plantation,
And for de old folks at home."

'Old Folks At Home', Stephen Foster (1851)

A leaky swan

Swan was in fine form tonight as the walls of Parliament House shook and the gallery rocked to the sounds of his first ever budget.

Abbott and Costello tried to steal the show, but failed abysmally despite unconditional support from a segment of the media (i.e. the 70% owned by Rupert).

Abbott and Costello...sore losers

"If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady. Would you marry me anyway? Would you have my baby?" said Swan.

Another swan... and yes, he is Jimmy Barnes' lesser known brother!

Although he was criticised by some of the punters before actually giving his performance - Swan remained undeterred and gave it his all.

"Ah c'mon all you lads, let's forget and forgive, there's a world to explore, tales to tell back on shore. I just spent six months in a leaky boat. Six months in a leaky boat," he added.

Bl**dy New Zealanders, trying to pass themselves off as Aussies.

Anyway, a segment of the media (i.e. the 70% owned by Rupert) had reported that because of Swan's budget, all Australians will become dole bludgers, while the more auburn haired commentators were a bit peeved because they missed out on the leaky action.

"I thought Minister Rocks Off handled Red Kerry quite well," said Swan.

"Thanks me old China... I hope this budget won't be my swansong."

Another Swan ... but this one's from the olden days, and very tight lipped indeed!

A Private Health Insurance Experience

My mother was born in Mt Isa in the early 1940s, the daughter of a former nurse and a businessman, and the youngest of three sisters. She had a happy childhood, and the family moved to Brisbane when her father secured a payout from the mine. He ran a series of shops in the leafy suburb of Sherwood, and the family lived in a rambling Queenslander by the river. Mum became a primary school teacher before meeting my Father and having a family of her own. My sister and I were fortunate to have been raised by her and my Father. She was a beautiful, intelligent woman, loving wife and mother, and dedicated teacher.

The last eight years had been a battle for Mum. Five of those years were lucky enough to have been spent in remission. In the last two years, the cancer returned, leading to more rounds of chemotherapy and an ever-increasing number of days spent in hospital. Who knew the amount of pain and discomfort Mum endured? She always put on a brave front, and wouldn't let the cancer stop her from enjoying life. I often wondered if it was the knowledge she was on the precipice, which made her all the more determined to experience all that she could, love her family and friends so deeply and outwardly, get involved in her community, and of course - sing - although the chemotherapy drugs played havoc with her voice.

A few months before Christmas, and just before she was to join a clinical trial, Mum experienced a bowel blockage, which took several weeks in hospital to clear. During this time, one of the specialists told her she would be dead by Christmas - possibly Easter. This occurred after several late night calls to the specialist by my distraught Dad, wanting to know what was going on after days of non-communication (the specialist had been on holidays). On returning home from hospital, Mum and Dad took a call from a palliative care nurse from the Queensland Government to organise appointments for counselling etc. This had been organised by the specialist and came as a real shock to my Mum and Dad. During this time, Mum would regularly have fluid drained from her abdomen, and was hospitalised a number of times with severe pain.

Yet she reached her forty-third wedding anniversary and Christmas! My Sister stayed with my Mum and Dad in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and together, they were able to enjoy several outings to the shops, movies, and community Christmas celebrations. Her body was weakening by the day, but through sheer will power, she prevailed, and we had a lovely Christmas Day together as a family. Unfortunately, on the day after Boxing Day, my Sister and Father had to take Mum back to the hospital as she was in agonising pain. Another bowel blockage had formed, and on the Doctor's instructions, Mum was fitted with a nasal-gastric tube, and placed on nil-by-mouth. The Doctor said this was to give her bowel a chance to rest and recover.

After a few days, the tube proved very uncomfortable and caused an intense headache. Mum was very distressed, and no-one seemed to care. I can only imagine how scared and alone she must have been feeling. "This woman has a high pain threshold," I told the nurses as they fiddled with the tube in an effort to fasten it in the least irritating position. Mum was being administered a cocktail of pharmaceuticals including morphine, pethidine and digesic - depending on the degree of pain. Through tears, she recounted her own Mother's emergency surgery for a bowel blockage thirty years ago. Evidently Mum ran into a former neighbour (who was a Doctor) while waiting for my Grandmother to return from the operating theatre, and he reassured her that the surgeon performing the operation was the best in the state. I couldn't say whether my own Mother was in good hands. All the specialists were on holidays, and a series of doctors were filling in.

Eventually a Doctor reluctantly decided the nasal-gastric tube could be removed, on the condition Mum remain on clear fluids only. We often bought her thermoses of homemade chicken broth, but she was only able to take small sips, and I would have the rest. Things progressed steadily, and after a couple of days, she was allowed to eat soft foods, and seemed a little better. Unfortunately the pain soon returned and, following another scan, the Doctor ordered the nasal-gastric tube be reinserted. Mum was also placed on nil-by-mouth for two weeks.

After a couple of days, all Mum wanted was something to eat. It was just too cruel, and I remember questioning one of the doctors about it. "Are you worried about starvation?" He asked Mum, and explained that a person could live for a month without food. Yet she never gave up, and only ever complained when the pain and discomfort became intolerable - so determined was she to stay alert. One day we even planned a future shopping trip for a new wig for when she resumed chemotherapy.

For some reason, Mum had been placed in the rehabilitation ward. When I went to ask about the possibility of Mum having a single room, the woman behind the desk snarled, "We'll put her on a waiting list." But eventually Mum was moved to a single room. Most of Australia was concerned with the second cricket test with India during this time.

Many of the nursing staff were very sweet and kind to my mother, but others were detached, robotic, and just plain rude. I remember one nurse coming in to take Mum's observations. Mum politely asked her what the blood pressure reading was, and she just ignored her. Most of the nurses were run off their feet, while others were working double shifts.

Mum was still showering herself daily, and on the instructions of a physiotherapist, began taking short walks around the ward, despite having to drag the tube and saline drip everywhere she went. This, and regular foot massages and back rubs provided by my Sister, Aunt and myself, offered some relief to the severe foot and ankle swelling and aching back. My Sister also painted Mum's nails in her favourite colour. We all made a concerted effort not to cry or become hysterical in front of Mum.

Having existed without solid food for a number of days, I wondered how Mum had the energy for anything other than lying in bed. Her health was deteriorating rapidly and she was getting very thin. Some days Mum was quite alert - chatting, taking phone calls, reading, listening to cds and watching TV, but other days she would doze for hours. Every now and then she would become very upset, particularly at the thought of leaving us. One time Mum remarked that when Dad drove her home after her last spell in hospital, she watched the world go by from her car window and felt eerily detached - as if life was going on without her.

After about a week, Mum was moved to a small room in the palliative care ward. One of the nurses recognised Mum from when she was first diagnosed and had her initial surgery eight years prior. I noticed Mum grimacing when this particular nurse and another nurse were roughly setting her up in the bed. The nasal-gastric tube bag was leaking because it hadn't been assembled correctly and some of the contents had leaked onto the bed. The nurses begrudgingly changed the bed linen, but left Mum in her soiled pyjamas. It was only because I was there that they were changed. Mum told me that while aspirating the abdominal drain, one nurse accidentally sprayed the contents all over her - although she was very apologetic. I wondered about other vulnerable patients who didn't have regular visitors. The next day, in an effort to be nice, I bought in some chocolates for the nurses, which said nurse immediately began scoffing. It transpired that eight years earlier, Dad and this particular nurse had clashed about aspects of Mum's care.

After a few days, Mum was moved to a large room at the end of the ward. The room had two large windows overlooking the entry to the hospital, a fold out sofa bed, two large arm chairs, a bar fridge, wardrobe, private bathroom and personal safe. Things were looking grim, but we all remained in fair spirits, and Mum maintained her stoicism and dignity. Dad said, "I think this is the room where they put the sickest patients."

Mum was under the care of two palliative care doctors who advised her she had "a matter of weeks" to live. They proposed that the nasal-gastric tube be taken out, and a drain inserted directly into Mum's abdomen. This involved a procedure where Mum was sedated and had to swallow a tiny camera. Funnily enough, that very morning, the nasal-gastric tube fell out while Mum was in the shower. On arriving back in the ward after the procedure (which is usually performed by a gastroenterologist), she said that there was considerable tension between the Doctors, and that swallowing the camera had been a terrible ordeal. Yet the drain worked well, and because the saline drip had also been taken out, Mum was a little more comfortable and mobile. She started back on clear fluids, eventually progressing to a soft diet.

The palliative care Doctors said that Mum could even go home, as long as a nurse was organised to visit every day. But they also mentioned that if Mum had to be re-hospitalised, she would lose her room, and that any procedures such as scans may not be covered. Yet on the Saturday before she died, my father and my sister were able to take Mum home for the day. My sister remarked that Mum was like a small child, delighting in her surroundings and relishing every moment and sensation. On arriving home she set to work at the kitchen table replying to all her letters and correspondence. Later, she set to work washing a couple of floor mops. Then, while carrying a couple of vases upstairs she tripped and fell. My father was furious, and Mum was in terrible shock and had to lie in bed for a few hours, but was able to join us for dinner, before my Father and Sister took her back to the hospital.

The next day, one of the doctors visited Mum and asked how her day out had been. After he left, my sister saw Mum give him the finger. Then Mum remarked to Dad that he (the doctor) was a "wanker", and Dad said, "no, he's not a wanker, he's a f#$kwit!". According to my Sister, Mum was exhausted, and slept most of the morning. My husband and I arrived at the hospital in the afternoon, just as they were going for a walk. Back in the room, we had a nice talk, and Mum showed us a well-rubbed holy medal that a roommate from one of the other wards had sent up for her. Mum and this patient had watched the New Years Eve fireworks over the river from the window in their room. As my Sister and my Father left, Mum requested that my Sister not wear high heels when walking up and down stairs. It was heart-wrenching everytime we said our farewells after a visit because Mum was getting so frail.

The following day, Mum was in quite a bit of pain. Dad said that when he arrived at the hospital around midday, he perceived that things were not right. That day I had felt unwell, and toyed with the idea of not visiting. I even thought Mum might like a day by herself after the excitement of the weekend. Despite her discomfort, when I finally arrived she said, "That's a pretty blouse."

The palliative care doctors had arranged for another scan and for a surgeon to come and look at Mum because the abdominal drain had stopped working. He ordered an additional dose of morphine for the pain, but just after he left, and as Dad was preparing to leave, Mum experienced a dreadful pain in her tummy and her back. The colour drained from her face and she was shaking uncontrollably so we called the nurse. The nurse called for the Doctor, who ordered more morphine, but it wasn't enough. "You think I'm putting it on!" Mum exclaimed. We tried moving her on her side, but this was worse, so we called the nurse again. She couldn't issue more morphine without the Doctor's say so, and eventually the Doctor returned. He examined Mum's tummy and asked about the pain. "Is it worse than any pain you've had so far?" Mum nodded. The doctor then said, "Judy, I think from what you're describing to me, something, such as a perforation has occurred. The prospects are not good for you." He then turned to Dad and I, who were standing by the bed. I said, "How much more can a person bear?" He then repeated what he had told Mum, and explained that if the pain was a result of a perforation, nothing could be done. Mum was fitted with a Graseby, to deliver a more regular dose of morphine, and the doctor prescribed the sedative midazolam, to calm her down.

At that stage, Mum was still able to communicate with us, so Dad and I kept talking to her and asking about the pain. Dad took a phone call from Mum's elder sister. He handed the phone to Mum, and I could hear my Aunt repeating over and over that she loved my mother. It was to be her final phone call.

A nurse bought in a lamp, which bathed the room in a delicate light. Dad remarked how beautiful Mum was, and how pretty her hair looked. We sat near the bed and held her hands. Every hour or so, Mum needed to go to the toilet, so the nurses provided a commode. While Mum was sitting on the commode, the nurse from eight years prior decided to make the bed, leaving Mum sitting with no top and her pyjama pants around the ankles, helplessly staring around the room. She wedged me between the commode and the bed, then instructed me to get out. I helped Mum with a new pyjama top and the nurses got her into bed, roughly moving her about. Then she made me fan Mum's face with a card. I stopped doing that after she left. Thankfully she never returned.

As the evening progressed, it became too distressing for Mum to get in and out of bed, so one of the nicer nurses suggested a catheter. She also placed a fan in the room, as it was becoming quite stuffy. Because Mum was breathing through her mouth, the nurse gave us some lanolin to moisten her lips, and an atomizer of water. Every half-hour, Mum's body would shake with a terrible cough because her air passages were so dry. Dad and I would immediately spring to action, patting her forehead, and repeating, "It's OK Mum, it's OK." We felt utterly helpless. I periodically spritzed a small amount of water into her mouth when I had a sip of water myself. Not knowing if you were doing the right thing was excruciating. I could tell Mum was struggling to communicate, but her body wouldn't co-operate.

Dad and I took turns resting and keeping an eye on Mum. The nurse had told us that if Mum frowned or winced, to let them know, because that meant she was in pain or distressed, so we would regularly call them, and they would come and check, sometimes giving Mum more midazolam. Her breathing was very laboured but regular, but I noticed the nurses weren't coming in as they usually did to take Mum's temperature and blood pressure. I could feel Mum fighting for her life. Perhaps I was hallucinating, but when I lay on the sofa bed, I couldn't take my eyes off Mum - she may have been a heaving body in a hospital bed, yet she wasn't giving up - the life force was palpable, and I could see and feel her spirit through the struggle.

Every now and then Mum would get quite hot and a pool of sweat would form in between her collarbones. We dampened some small towels and dabbed the moisture away, keeping one towel on her forehead. When morning came, I looked out of the window. It was pouring down with rain. I remarked to Mum that it was "a dreary old day." Indeed some of the nurses had to extend their shift because the weather had delayed many on the day shift. One of the nurses indicated that Mum was pretty calm and resting comfortably, so Dad and I should take advantage of this and try and get a solid couple of hours sleep.

Around midday, my husband (who was minding Mum and Dad's house, and feeding the elderly cat) took me home so I could shower and change clothes. While we were away, the gynaecological oncologist who had first diagnosed and operated on Mum all those years ago paid a visit. Mum always spoke fondly of him. At the time, he told us that the care Mum was receiving was equivalent to that of the Mayo Clinic in New York. My husband and I bought back some sandwiches for Dad. The afternoon passed in a blur, as we hung on Mum's every breath, which was slower and heavier, something between snoring and gasping for air. Her breath had a sour smell. I told the day nurse I had been spraying water into Mum's mouth, and she indicated I shouldn't do that because it would disturb her.

Dad kept saying that Mum couldn't hear us, but I knew she could, and one of the nurses said she could tell from Mum's reactions that she understood what we were saying. "She wants to participate in the conversation," she said. Eventually we agreed that Mum could comprehend what we were saying, and we kept talking to her and reassuring her that when we left the room, we would return very soon. I noticed that although I had the sound on my phone switched off every time I received a text message, had a tic tac, or took a sip of water Mum would react, so I would convey to her the details of the message, and ask if she would like a spritz of water.

That evening, my husband took me to the hospital restaurant for dinner. It wasn't special, and remarkably, I was ravenous. On the way back to the ward, we wandered past the maternity ward and sat in the garden watching happy relatives with balloons and flowers visiting their new additions. Dad wouldn't leave Mum, and couldn't eat a morsel. Dad and I took turns resting and watching Mum. Whenever she gave the slightest sign of appearing distressed, we would call the nurse.

Every hour or so, I would go for a short wander around the hospital - watch a little late night television with some other dozing relatives, or buy another bottle of water or a coffee. On returning to the room, Mum always appeared to have faded just that little bit more. I asked her if she could hear the late night trains whenever they rolled past - a distraction to the ticking clock, whirring graseby and eternal patient call buzzing.

Around the middle of the night, two nurses came and placed Mum on her side. This seemed to make her more comfortable, although an hour or so later, when I was sitting by Mum, I was watching her and her eyes were open - watching me, darting over at the flowers on display and a photo of my sister. I repeatedly asked her if she was OK, but the next thing I remember, two nurses were in the room giving Mum some morphine. I couldn't believe I had fallen asleep, and wondered how long she had waited. The nurse assured me that Mum was OK, but I felt awful. Another nurse arrived and they turned Mum onto her other side and gave her a back rub. She also swabbed Mum's mouth - Mum didn't like this, and bit down hard on the swab. When the nurse was able to remove the swab, it had blood on it.

As the second morning broke, Mum's breathing had changed dramatically, and there was a discernable gurgling sound. I looked out the window and told Mum that the weather had improved overnight, and the day was looking nice and sunny. I asked her if she could hear the birds. The nurse came in and told Dad and I that it wouldn't be long now. This made Dad very upset, and the nurse ushered us outside. "You've been preparing for this," she said, and assured us Mum was comfortable.

We called the nurse every time Mum's breathing changed until eventually it was so soft and slow that we knew we were approaching the end. We held her hands, and she wouldn't take her eyes off Dad. We told her we all loved her and that we would look after one another. As Mum took her final breaths, the nurse had to tell her to close her eyes. When Mum died, we cried and hugged each other and the nurse. "I can't cry big," my Father sobbed, as the nurse tried to comfort him.

My Dad and I went to have a cup of tea while the nurses tidied up, removed all the tubes and presented Mum on the bed. When we arrived back in the room, Mum looked so peaceful and I could feel her all around. She was still in her pink pyjama top and the nurses had placed three red carnations from one of the bouquets in her hands. We sat for a while, then were visited again by the original gynaecological oncologist. A gentle man who paid his respects and said that Mum had fought a remarkable battle - beyond all his expectations. Dad described to him and the nurse, the first day he met my Mum. The clothes she wore - a pink blouse and white skirt - and that she wore her long auburn hair in a beehive hairdo.

I packed up Mum's belongings and Dad went to collect my Sister from the airport. During that time, I waited with Mum, but no one had put the "do not enter" sign on the door, and an unsuspecting tea lady barged in and got a real shock. Eventually my husband arrived with coffee, and we had a long cry together. When my Sister and Dad returned from the airport, they were beside themselves with grief. We removed Mum's wedding band, and said our final goodbyes. We gathered her cases, handbag and other possessions and made the long, gloomy walk to exit the hospital.

Every year Mum and I would have the same conversation. Around September, she or I would say, "I love this time of the year." We would then discuss how wonderful Spring was, and how we relished the lovely, warm days before the oppressive heat of summer. Similarly in Autumn, one of us would remark how the nights were presently perfect for sleeping soundly, and the other would agree, before suggesting that it wouldn't be long before we had the blankets out!

I miss her terribly, but she is with me all the time, and for that I am grateful.

My Mum had comprehensive health insurance and died in a private hospital.

Plastic Bertram To Drive Brisberg's Iconic New Cable Car

Up Mt Coot-tha we go...

Queerland Tourism have announced that Brisberg has run out of icons and is going to get some new ones, including an iconic new cable car, which will be driven up Mt Coot-tha by Plastic Bertram.

"Allez hop, t'occupes, t'inquietes, touches pas ma planete, it's not today que le ciel me tombera sur la tete, et que la colle me, manquera. Ouh ouh ouh, ca plane pour moi," he said.

The iconic cable car looks very much like the double decker bus which was on display at the Cold Toast Heritage Expo on the weekend, but a spokesperson for Queerland Tourism said the cable car would start operating very soon.

"We have wilfully destroyed all our old icons, and urgently need to get these new icons up and running," she said.

Responding to criticism from environmentalists who have suggested that a cable car up Mt Coot-tha would kill koalas and have a serious impact on the mystique surrounding the "fridge on the ridge", Plastic Bertram said:

"Ca plane pour moi, Ca plane pour moi."

The Minister agreed, although she wouldn't respond to questions put to her by 'Spring Hill Voice' regarding the recent government appointments of dummies.

In related news, in yet another brilliant scoop straight out of the P.R. intray, it has today been reported that the Golden Casket has donated 1 million $1 scratchies to the Mater Hospital.

A spokesperson for Golden Casket said:

"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"

My Mother's Kitchen

To be with Mum in her kitchen as she talked, listened, cooked for us and taught my sister and I how to cook, was to experience a feeling of unconditional love I'll never forget.

My earliest memories are the fondest - buttery vegemite soldiers, a soft-boiled egg, fish fingers and mashed potato, or grated apple and junket when we were tucked up in bed with a childhood illness. Yet the aroma of a pot of corned beef bubbling away on the stove would send me running into the kitchen in childish, semi-faux outrage.

"No! No! Not corned beef!" I would whine.

Although I probably deserved a smack, my mother would smile and say, "Well it's corned beef or nothing," then remind me we'd be having corned beef fritters the following evening.

Now corned beef fritters smothered in tomato sauce were something to look forward to. And if there were any leftover boiled potatoes, Mum would make a few potato fritters too.

A full-time teacher, Mum was a practical, earthy cook - she had no time for elaborate recipes - but there can be no doubt she was keen to experiment, and we ate very well indeed.

I don't remember many disasters in my mother's kitchen, and she was never afraid to modify a recipe if she thought an ingredient frivolous, or wanted to use a substitute that she had on hand. My Nana once leaned on Mum's freshly baked fruitcake, which was cooling on the kitchen bench (leaving a large, crumbling dent), but that doesn't really count! (After much deliberation, we concluded it had been an accident, though my Nana could be mischievous at times.)

We were raised on a diet of wholesome and traditional staples. For breakfast there would be porridge, muesli or Vita-Brits sprinkled with brown sugar. Although my sister and I would pester Mum in the supermarket cereal aisle, she would only ever consent to Nutrigrain. At the time it felt like a huge injustice that we were allowed to have Fruit Loops only once or twice!

Until we were teenagers Mum packed our lunches. My sister regularly begged for permission to buy a jam/cream donut for morning tea, but we were rarely given money for tuckshop. Usually my sister and I would head off to school with a flask of frozen cordial and a lunchbox containing peanut paste, Vegemite, corn and bacon spread (which mysteriously disappeared from supermarket shelves many years ago) or tuna sandwiches (on wholemeal bread of course), a piece of fruit or a few dried apricots and a piece of cake, slice or a couple of crackers, like Vita-Weets with cheese or Vegemite. A couple of Iced Vo-Vos, Scotch Finger Biscuits or Monte Carlos might also appear - chocolate biscuits were a treat in our house. The cupboard was never bare and our after school appetites were sated with freshly baked pikelets (cooked on the electric frypan), orange sand cake (with citrus frosting), buttered apricot loaf, fruitcake, scones or Anzac biscuits.

Dinner could be lamb chops braised in celery, tomatoes and onion, served with mashed potatoes, rissoles with gravy, chicken curry, corned beef, tuna mornay, savoury mince (with brown rice) or spaghetti bolognaise. On Sunday evenings we'd have roast lamb, chicken or pot roast, and on the rare occasion - roast pork and apple sauce. Consequently, cold meat accompanied by a simple salad was another habitual family meal. Occasionally the salad would contain alfalfa sprouts, which had been grown in a jar on the kitchen sink.

When my sister and I were little, sweets included jelly or tinned fruit, with custard or ice-cream and topping. As the years passed, Mum would make a peach cobbler or apricot dessert cake, which she would serve warm with cream. My sister and I would turn our noses up at Mum's penchant for stewed rhubarb and prunes!

On special occasions we'd have beef stroganoff or spareribs with mashed potato and for dessert, trifle - or perhaps cheesecake, and every now and then marshmallow parfait (my sister's favourite) - a swirl of marshmallows, tinned pineapple pieces, cherries, cream and a dash of sherry. Chocolate cake or pavlova were star attractions on birthdays, along with other homemade goodies such as patty cakes, chocolate crackles and honey soy chicken wings.

Mum had two compendiums filled with recipes passed on from her own mother, sisters and friends. She also kept recipes clipped from magazines, jotted them down from television shows, and more recently a selection she found on the internet. Mum also referred to a collection of cook books - including most of the 'Women's Weekly' Range - for inspiration.

The recipes my mother collected throughout her life illustrate the evolution of her cooking style and also offer a little insight into our family history. There are pages covered in her neat handwriting with recipes from the Chinese cooking course she took in the 1970s where she learned how to prepare sweet and sour pork, Malayan prawns and chop suey min. But I don't ever remember eating American chiffon pie, carrots in jelly, sunshine salad ring or Aberdeen sausage! And why there are three versions of a recipe for Coochin slice is now a family mystery!

The beef stroganoff recipe Mum used appears on a typed A4 sheet of paper titled "At Home With David Jones. As presented on C.T.C.7 - 29th April, 1964 by Marge Christian - Home Economist", while the Christmas cake she made without fail every year hails from Margaret Fulton's Christmas recipes from the 1969 'Women's Day'. (Someone else will have to make it this year.)

There are recipe cards for dutch coffee cake, hot fudge sauce, pumpkin pie and chicken parisienne, which originate from the family's 1983 trip to the United States. To my horror, Mum entered a recipe - chicken chips bake - in a 'Women's Weekly' recipe competition. She won $50 for purloining this crazy concoction of diced barbeque chicken, mayonnaise, celery, slivered almonds topped with crushed potato chips, grated cheese and parsley! Evidently mischievousness is hereditary!

In later life Mum's culinary repertoire expanded to encompass more contemporary food trends. Her lasagne was so well regarded by family and friends it became her signature dish, while zucchini slice, pumpkin soup, stir fry, tacos and chilli con carne were favourites too. Carrot cake, caramel slice, banana bread and blueberry muffins also emerged from her oven in never-ending quantities.

It was during summer holidays that my mother had time to get really adventurous in her kitchen. She would create a seemingly infinite variety of exotic salads - although her tasty potato salad was always my favourite. Christmas morning was a frenzy of salad making activity, as my mother, Aunt, sister and cousin would vie for the "best salad of the day" award.

But it's the traditional meals she cooked that I remember most.

My mother's corned beef was a simple meal, and yet it was utterly perfect. The meat flavoured by peppercorns, a bay leaf and a dash of vinegar, finished with a parsley and onion white sauce and served with potatoes and carrots from the pot along with brussel sprouts, or green beans.

My father misses Mum's corned beef so much, he attempted to cook some the other night - and didn't do a bad job either - even though he forgot the peppercorns and bay leaf.

My husband made fritters the following night! They were pretty good, but no one makes them like Mum did.

Brisbane's Village Twin To Re-open Soon

The Village Twin...iconic cinema

Despite ongoing construction and heritage issues, the much loved Village Twin cinema on Brunswick Street will re-open next week.

Much rumour and scuttlebutt has circulated about the iconic cinema's fate since it was boarded up in 2005, but 'Spring Hill Voice' can reveal to angry locals there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Formerly known as the Merthyr Picture Palace and then the Astor Theatre, the Village Twin has been used as a "moving picture house" since the early 1920s. Following renovations in 1970, it became the first twin cinema complex in Queensland and was well known throughout Brisbane for its green and purple rooms, geometric carpet, vinyl benches and crystalline lights.

Although two information sessions will be held next week, no information is available, but there is information on the informative Village Twin website:

http://www.villagetwin.com.au/

AEC Media Release: 08 May 2008

Disclosure returns lodged with the Australian Electoral Commission (AEC) following the 2007 federal election will be released for public inspection on Monday 12 May 2008. The returns will be available on the AEC website at http://fader.aec.gov.au/ from 9am (AEST).

The returns cover receipts and expenditure by candidates, Senate groups and donors in relation to the recent federal election. Disclosure requirements are as follows:

Candidates: The total of all donations received and used to fund their campaign, along with details of donations received where they total more than $10,500 from a single source. Totals of electoral expenditure under specified categories. Officially endorsed candidates may submit a ‘nil return’ and roll their reporting into their annual party return due for release in February 2009 if their financial transactions were the responsibility of a party committee. Out of 1421 candidates who stood at the recent federal election, more than 1000 nil returns were received.

Senate groups: The reporting requirement is the same as for candidates. If a Senate group is endorsed by a single political party their reporting will appear with annual party returns due for release in February 2009.

Donors Donations totalling more than $10,500 made to an individual candidate, and donations received totalling more than $10,500 from a single source that were used in turn to fund donations to an individual candidate must be reported.

Third parties involved in campaigns related to the 2007 federal election, such as unions or employer groups, do not have any election disclosure obligations as part of the 12 May release, but may be required to lodge annual returns of political expenditure.

Information on election return requirements for candidates, Senate groups and donors, and further disclosure information including annual return requirements are available at:

http://www.aec.gov.au/Parties_and_Representatives/Political_Disclosures/index.htm

Note: The latest annual returns (2006-07) were issued on the AEC website on 1 February 2008. Annual disclosure returns for political parties, donors, associated entities and third parties relating to the 1 July 2007 to 30 June 2008 financial year will be released online in February 2009.

CALL TO THE WORLD FROM IRAQ

There is currently in process a call to the world from the people of Iraq. While the heroism of these people is ongoing, the situation is so critical. They are facing a genocide; the US military and its allies are clearly targeting women and children now. People are without food, water, electricity or medicine. Talk of civil war and sectarian violence is nothing but nonsense to shift the blame on to the Iraqi people themselves for the violence and loss of life they are suffering and have suffered over the last five years. This is classic and barbarous victim blaming. The loss of life for this period alone is now estimated at 1.2 million. Reliable estimates from inside Iraq suggest the toll will soon be at 2 million. This cannot go on any longer. They have already suffered years of sanctions, with a huge loss of life, mostly children, and the first gulf war.

Last week, on May Day, the International and Longshore Warehouse Union in the US went on strike in direct opposition to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It went well. The entire west coast, which handles all of the Asian trade into the US was shut down. Support came from all over the world for this. Over this period, polls have shown that Bush is now the most unpopular president since polling began in the 1930s. The Democrats have shown themselves completely unwilling to respond to the clear message of the American people delivered at the 2006 congressional election: to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan now.

Australia remains heavily implicated in this; despite Rudd’s statement that Australian troops will be withdrawn from Iraq, the private military contractors, completely unaccountable and guilty of some of the most heinous war crimes, will remain. And this country remains in the growing debacle and violence in Afghanistan.

The War on Terror, called by Bush and his cohorts in the wake of the controversy and disarray following the attacks on the World Trade Centre in 2001, was always a war on working people, whether they were in Iraq, Afghanistan, the US (now mired in an appalling economic situation with the housing crisis getting worse all the time) or this country. The people of Iraq, whose suffering and losses have been so great, cannot be left alone any longer. Last week, in May Day marches around the world, people showed their determination, their solidarity and their desire for peace and bread and a better world. In Turkey, in a huge march, police arrested over 500 people as the crowd chanted, “we are the people, we are right and we will win”.

The situation in Iraq is so critical. They are sending a call to the world, and in response we should remember those words of our brothers and sisters in Turkey: we are the people, we are right and we will win. Enough suffering in Iraq: this disgusting and barbarous invasion must end. Bush, Cheney, Howard, Blair and anybody else implicated in this must be held to account.

Meredith Rose.

City Hall Bans Spring Hill Push Bikes

Spring Hill residents are in shock following this week's City Hall meeting where it was decided they will not be permitted to ride their push bikes ever again.

"I'm in shock," said Spring Hill resident Mr Henry High-Rise.

"So am I," said Mr Bill Boardinghouse.

The City Hall leader announced that residents from inner city suburbs would be able to participate in a bike sharing scheme that was canvassed during the Sore Loser administration and will never see the light of day.

"But not Spring Hill," he said.

"And if anyone from Spring Hill is caught riding their bikes along the Normanby Pedestrian Bikepath, which travels from Spring Hill to Brisbane's CBD, I will get really mad."

Meter Maids Get The A*se

As part of a new marketing strategy for Surfers Paradise going forward, the glitter strip's world famous meter maids will be rebranded and replaced by an even saucier brigade of enforcers known as "Traffic Mistresses".

'Spring Hill Voice' can reveal that the Traffic Mistresses will be headed by Defective Inspector Plastic, who is also in charge of the new security patrols on Cold Toast beaches, as well as being responsible for the controversial Public Transport Taskforce based in Brisberg (see stories below).

"Traffic Mistresses will spank motorists and call them names, rather than feed their expired meters," said Defective Inspector Plastic, cracking her whip in the air.

"Marketing campaigns are essentially about removing the soul of a place and sanitising it for mass consumption. So we need to erase Meter Maids from our collective consciences and manufacture some new icons for Surfers Paradise."

In related news, Cold Toast residents have spoken out about the urgent need to dredge the Broadwater.

"There just aren't enough motorised watercraft on the Broadwater, and in this day and age, it would be irresponsible to have solar powered ferries because Brisberg's Sh*tty Kitties have a 6 knot maximum," said a local.

"Politicians say the darndest things," he laughed.

Security Patrols For Cold Toast Beaches

Surfers on Queerland's Cold Toast will soon be frisked, breathalised, drug tested, and required to walk through a metal detector, before being allowed on the beach.

Defective Inspector Plastic from the new Public Transport Taskforce based in Brisberg (see story below) will head the new initiative, which she says will create a more harmonious beach going environment.

"From now on only obedient people will be allowed on Cold Toast beaches," she said, swinging her dildo shaped truncheon in the air.

"I will be doing the frisking, so don't think you can get away with sneaking anything illicit onto the beach in your budgie smugglers."

Speaking at the Yee Haw Country Ladies Conference at Weed Heads over the weekend Mrs Joyce Catbumface said she supported the new security initiative.

"I think Defective Inspector Plastic should crack down on men who wear pink shirts and flashy belts too," she said.

"If men were banned from wearing pink shirts and flashy belts and women baked more scones, the world would be a much nicer place...Ohhhh I don't understand the young people of today."

The Ex-footballers Who Drink Ginger Beer Association have also expressed their concern about the issue, and indicated that male facial cleansers and moisturisers should be added to the list of banned items.

In related news, bottle shop attendants have reported that an astounding number of Australians don't follow the "news" in the corporate media or the Gay B.C.

"I have to calm their "bottle shop rage" by carefully pointing out how they can actually buy a bottle of rum and a bottle of soft drink to mix together," said local bottle shop attendant, Mr Stikkemup.

"Just like the good old days."

2008 Buddha Birth Day Festival At Brisbane's Southbank [4/5/08]

Some info about the Buddha Birth Day Festival from the festival brochure:

"The most significant day of the year for Buddhists occurs on the first new moon in May, where celebrations take place for the birth of Sakyamuni Buddha (563BC-483BC).

Since 1997 the South Bank Parklands have hosted the Buddha Birth Day Festival. Today one of Queensland's most prestigious cultural events, the Festival attracts in excess of 150,000 visitors and is recognised as the largest Buddha Birth Day Festival in the World.

"Harmony in All" is the theme of this year's Buddha Birth Day Festival. Promoting a peaceful existence and appreciation of Australia's multicultural identity, the Buddha Birth Day Festival focuses on generating community and individual 'respect for life'."

Inner Northern Busway Open Day [4/5/08]

There were rides, hot dogs, roving entertainers and plenty of public servants and propaganda.

Didn't see any WWII command centre remnants though - just a p*ssweak historically representative display that no-one will ever look at because they'll be rushing to catch their bus.

No it's not the Wheat Creek Culvert, it's a piece of art titled "Hole in the Ground" by Shaun Kirby [2008]. The Wheat Creek Culvert was destroyed as part of the construction on the INB. That's why a strange smell is often evident at the corner of Albert and Adelaide Streets, and why City Hall is sinking.

A very uncomfortable seat, clearly designed with homeless people in mind - and don't get me started on the environmentally unsustainable escalators!

Noosa Welcomes The Mary Kayaker:

Media Release [4/5/08]

It’s a long and arduous way to get a few days at the beach but Mary River Kayaker, Steve Posselt arrived in Noosa on Saturday [3/5/08]. And it isn’t every Noosa visitor who receives a beachfront welcome by the Mayor, but then, Steve Posselt is no ordinary Noosa visitor!

Three weeks previously he had left Brisbane and paddled up the Brisbane River until the hyacinth waterweed mats proved so impenetrable that he had to put down his kayak’s wheels and take to the land. After crossing Wivenhoe and Somerset Dams, the wheels came into use again as he dragged his kayak up and over a steep section of Conondale Ranges, north of Woodford.

Paddling the entire length of the Mary proved to be the easiest bit.

“Easy, in a physical sense,” says Steve, “but much harder emotionally, as I saw at first hand, the impacts this Traveston Crossing Dam will have, not just what’d be inundated but all the way down to the wetlands of Great Sandy Strait and Fraser Island.”

“None of the b*ggers who made this decision have seen the river at first hand as I have. They’ve looked at maps, crunched a few optimistic figures and put the rest in the hands of the spin doctors. At no point did anyone notice that dams were failing across the whole of Australia and adding another didn’t seem to make a lot of sense.”

“We’ve had good rainfall this year. Somerset Dam is within two metres of overflowing so it gives us a bit of breathing space to review the wisdom of this Mary River proposal.”

“The Senate Inquiry gave it the thumbs down last year and now Federal Climate Change and Water Minister, Senator Penny Wong, has outlined Australia’s water future and it plainly points to the folly of being so dam-dependent.”

Sunshine Coast Mayor Bob Abbot has also been an outspoken critic of the state government’s dam decision and was a member of the Council of Mayors whose report last year roundly condemned it.

“It was great to meet Bob,” said Steve. “ He has a good long-term vision, not just the length of an election cycle. If the state government understood the impacts of climate change, they would have realized that they included much less run-off into dams.”

“Water restrictions are a sign of a failing system. Now that the writing’s plainly on the wall. Penny Wong’s been reading it, but the state government hasn’t. Even the water Commission sees the future in rainfall-independent alternatives like desalination and recycling.”

“They just seem incapable of tapping the government on the shoulder about the wisdom of this last dam.”

“I think it’s like the weather’s been,” said Steve. “All the way down the Mary, I was going with the flow, both the flow of the river and the flow of public support for my “Don’t Murray the Mary” mission. When I got to Double Island Point there was a fearsome Southerly blowing; it was like the opposition we were encountering in State Government. I waited a day or two and we’ve had glorious paddling conditions, it’s like sanity on the water.”

“I just want that sanity to come back into water planning.”

Steve will return to Brisbane on Saturday [10/5/08], a day earlier than previously anticipated, to be greeted at the Victoria Bridge. While many will come from the Mary Valley, he also welcomes supporters from Brisbane to join in.

For more information, visit www.kayak4earth.com

P.P.P. To Run This Year's Labor Day Celebrations

In line with Australia's shift toward neoconservatism, this year's Labor Day march and celebrations will be run by a public private partnership and changed to "Business As Usual" Day.

Although the consortium members will not be revealed because of commercial in confidence agreements relating to the P.P.P., the march and celebrations are expected to attract large crowds.

"This is so clever it's diabolical," said one of the consortium members.

"Over the past decade (and with the co-operation of the corporate media) we've vilified unions and stripped 100 years of hard won Australian workers rights away, and most of them think it's for their own good."

Another consortium member pointed out that the Prime Minister's recent decision to solve the housing crisis by pandering to the H.I.A. is genius, and is a perfect example of why workers will now celebrate "Business As Usual" Day rather than Labor Day.

"A genuine Labor Party would speak with other organisations such as the tenants union, as well as the H.I.A. if it really wanted to help struggling Australians," he said.

"Providing public housing and assistance to those suffering under mortgage stress, and increasing the pension, rather than funding building companies would be a fair and more equitable solution."

Labor politicians will lead marches around the country, and will give speeches and press conferences during which they pat themselves on the back and pretend to care about solidarity and workers rights. Then it'll be "Business As Usual" as they continue using our taxes to line the pockets of multi-national corporations and big business.

Royal Women's Hospital Calls For "Royal Mums"

As part of the Royal Brisbane Women's Hospital 70th anniversary celebrations, women who have given birth at the hospital since 1938 are invited to register as a "Royal Mum".

In addition, the Royal Brisbane and Women's Hospital Foundation is raising money for premature and seriously ill babies through the annual Mother's Day appeal.

See: www.rbwhfoundation.com.au for details.

Helpful Home Hints

Here are some of the more interesting home hints from '365 Home Hints' (first published in 1968 by Rigby Limited):

To keep cauliflower white while cooking add 2 tablespoons of milk to the water.

Too much salt in the soup? Peel a large potato and put it in the soup; the potato will absorb most of the salt.

Hollow stemmed champagne glasses can be scoured with a pipe cleaner.

Clean discoloured ivory and piano keys by rubbing with a cloth dipped in methylated spirits.

Lush maidenhair fer results from an occasional light sprinkling of epsom salts around the roots of the fern after watering.

Rub pencil over a stubborn zipper as the lead helps the zip to run freely.

A fresh stain on a fabric can often be absorbed into a coating of talcum powder. When the powder is dry brush it from the garment.

To remove an insect from the ear, hold a torch close to the ear and the insect will then fly out towards the light.

Sour milk cleans coloured cement verandas and red brick areas in the home. Do not use too much or the surface will become slippery.

Flush lumps of copper sulphate through the toilet to kill any tree roots that might be tangled in the deep drainage system.

Remove callouses from the feet with a medium grained sandpaper.

Place the phone in a metal container to increase the ringing sound if it rings while you are working outside.

Place nails and other small pieces of iron around hydrangea beds to change the flowers to blue.

Coloured paper drink coasters placed between a cup and saucer look gay and absorb any moisture from the base of the cup.

Brisberg Council Launches Inaugural "Whinge About A Suburb" Day

May 1 was officially dubbed "Whinge About A Suburb" Day at this week's Brisberg City Council meeting.

"It's an exciting initiative which allows Brisberg residents to complain about their own suburb, or someone else's suburb," said the Chair of the "Whinge About A Suburb Day" Committee Mr Dick Developorsuck.

"The local Limited News will play their part in the day's proceedings by publicising the whinges which most closely correlate to the town's corporate interests," he added.

The launch of "Whinge About A Suburb" day prompted a fiery exchange during the council meeting.

Although they whinge about West End at every Council meeting, some councillors took the opportunity to whinge even more about the need to build a freeway through the suburb because it is a haven for terrorist hippies and extremist, vegan anarchists. Others whinged that the breathless new development at Newstead would threaten the city views of the inbred, establishment snobs who live at Ascot.

Typical West End and Ascot residents

On the street Brisberg residents had plenty to whinge about. A Fortitude Valley resident whinged about noise and pollution and Cr Neverbemayor agreed with him.

"If you want to sleep, then the Valley is the place for you," he said.

Cr Neverbemayor...should have played cricket

Brisbane's Ticket Inspectors Get A New Look

Queensland's latest draconian law, the 'Punish, Arrest, Torture Rail Infrastructure & Other Transport-users Act 2008' (the P.A.T.R.I.O.T Act) has come into effect with remarkable effect today [1/5/08].

Captain Bligh...powerful enfarcers on the case against public transport users

One of the first Queenslanders to feel the force of this new law, Mr Free Loder, was apprehended by Captain Bligh's new all powerful enfarcers when he put his feet on the seat on the 376 bus near Stafford City last night.

"I was approached by this weird sexy lady in a psuedo-cop outfit, and next thing I knew she says "So, hooligan, you got a ticket? Go ahead, make my day." She tazed my ass, put me in fluffy pink handcuffs and did something with a truncheon that I won't describe. Then I was dragged back to their watch-house on the corner of Bishop Street and Melvin Grove Road and tortured and interrogated for several hours with weird plastic government issue toys."

One of the new breed of enfarcers - Defective Inspector Plastic - at Melvin Grove headquarters

Mr Loder is an avid reader of the local paper the 'Spurious Tale' and also listens to radio Ruprecht for his news and information. He believes everything they tell him. We asked him whether he thought his treatment was warranted and he replied:

"It's all good, I kind of enjoyed the attention really. And, after all, it is the war on freedom and democracy so I'm more than happy to have played some small part. I mean, freedom comes at a price, doesn't it? And if that price involves losing all of our rights - well - I'm sure it is all for the best. I'm just glad to have been a small part of the war effort. When I showed my mum the Tazer burns she was so proud. I mean grandpop died at Gallipolli [sic] to protect us from Muslims who want to take away our freedoms, so it is like my baptism of 24,000 volt fire. I couldn't be more prouder."

'Spring Hill Voice' understands that Mr Loder is a lost cause and deserves all that is coming to him.

In related news, the Police union, believed to have been caught flat footed, has issued a statement: "Hey, that's our gig!"

May is Domestic and Family Violence Prevention Month

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