Brisbane Motorists Unhappy And Accepting

A special report by Sandy Bottom

Two-thirds of Brisbane motorists think it's unfair to pay tolls, but at the same time they also rather like the idea of paying tolls.

This inexplicably duplicitous outlook was recently revealed by an insurance company who did some research.

Spokesperson for the insurance company, Mr Ripuoff, said mass acceptance of something that is unfair and crooked was easily explained - especially in Brisbane.

"Anyone who reads the only paper in town exhibits this bizarre psychological phenomenon," he said.

"And well done Sandy, this story you have written is brilliant spin. Toll roads are a great incentive for getting poor people on to crummy public transport, leaving those of us who can still afford petrol, free to enjoy reduced traffic congestion."

Sunny Buoy Leads Protest Against Australia's Media Monopoly

Famous rugby league identity Sunny Buoy has fled the country in a unique protest against the current media monopoly which he says is suffocating freedom of speech, and having a deleterious effect on our democracy.

Speaking from an undisclosed hideout in France, Sunny Buoy said, "It's only a small protest, but I hope by leaving Australia and standing up to Rupert and his assorted attack dogs, I can inspire others to do the same thing.

"He may own rugby league, but he doesn't own me."

When asked about the legal ramifications of his protest, the shrill uproar from the Limited News about his obligations, and the sanctity of contracts, Sunny Buoy said,

"Are you kidding? Where do you think I learned all about breaking promises and ignoring contracts?

"I decided to put this knowledge to good use."

Eeeny Meeny Miney Mo: Which Pub Will Be The Next To Go?

(Dedicated to the memory of the Victory Hotel)

Brisbane had a special place
Down on Edward Street
With the city's only beergarden
A fabled place to meet

Where legendary sessions
On a Sunday afternoon
Steak sandwiches, jugs and hooters
And a band would often croon

But the Victory Hotel is now
A crumbling burned out shell
And in this bigoted cultural backwater
It's probably just as well

Because we don't like real pubs anymore
In old Brisbane town
They've sold us sleek and wanky
And we've all turned into clowns

We're not allowed to smoke
And we get locked out at three
Which means we get arrested
When we do a public wee

Let's raise a glass and ask ourselves
Which pub is next to fall?
Or suffer a heritage makeover
That makes us gape in awe

So build your 5-storey boutique box
I'm sure the development application
Will be approved quite promptly
Without much contemplation

Around Town This Week

with 'Spring Hill Voice's cultural correspondent, Henrietta Whoreitabout

Whew what a week! I'm utterly shagged.

GOTH GOODNESS?

Brisbane has always had a lot of goths. As Robert Forster said at a State Library talk a couple of weeks ago, goths are a dominant aspect of Brisbane's youth culture - an unsurprising rebelliousness which manifests itself as the antithesis of living beneath the sunshine state's bright sunlight. (Well those weren't his exact words, but hey, I gave it my best shot!)

In the late 1980s, I went to uni with heaps of goths. They were interesting, often very sweet and softly spoken and sometimes went into politics! However, rather than being introspective or visionary, in my opinion goth art is the intellectual equivalent of drawing a dick on a picture. But if you're into that kind of thing (banal graffiti, not dicks) or you were, and now you work for Arts Queensland - a current exhibition at the UQ Art Museum - 'Neo Goth Back In Black' - is as self indulgent, pretentious, and as safe as it gets (despite the warning sign about explicit and confronting content at the gallery entrance).

'Neo Goth Back In Black' feels like an ad hoc collection of rejected pieces created by a selection of anointed artists, and unfortunately doesn't really capture what it means to be a goth. There were way too many works featuring skulls, yawn inducing DVDs, and some of the pieces aren't really goth at all. Nevertheless, the opening night flower arrangements - red and white lilies dotted throughout the gallery - were a classy touch!

BABY BOOMERS GIVE ME THE SH*TS

'Up The Yangtze' is a film which juxtaposes the journey of a luxury cruise boat along the Yangtze River in China with the lives of a few of the many million Chinese who have been displaced by the Three Gorges Dam. The film brilliantly captures how power and political decisions f*ck folks around, crushing dreams and plans through the momentum of obedience. 'Up The Yangtze' is currently showing at the Dendy in George Street. At the screening last Saturday afternoon [26/7/08], the theatre was half full, and it seemed like most of the baby boomer audience were there to relive their own adventures up the Yangtze because they wouldn't stop chattering. "That's where we were", "we saw that" and my favourite "I suppose you feel a bit sorry for the peasants, but that's the way these things are."

PIG CITY

Speaking of the Dendy in George Street, it was formerly known as "The George", and in December 1977 hosted the historic premier of the police -made film 'To Protect And Serve'. This 35-minute propaganda piece screened at the Valley Twin alongside the Elizabeth Taylor movie 'The Bluebird' for a few months, then toured the state alongside such blockbusters as 'Star Wars'.

'To Protect And Serve' screened at the Queensland Police Museum today [27/7/08], and no, it wasn't part of the Brisbane Festival - although the organisers might want to explore moustaches, ford falcons, crazy scenarios and woeful acting for next year. A large contingent of elegant ladies from the "Red Hat Society" attended the screening, and one of them asked why the Rape Squad had been disbanded. Most of the film is devoted to espousing evils of hitch hiking - even though hitch hiking in Queensland has never been illegal!

Following the screening, it was nice to hear the views of a current serving policeman who confirmed that no fingerprint or DNA record held by the police is ever destroyed.

NEXT WEEK

And while I know readers will be keen to read my report on the Prime Minister's talk in Brisbane this Thursday, unfortunately I don't have the dosh and in any case, he's no Tom Burns!

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing from three likely candidates. He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they did with the money.

The first had a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, had her hair and make up done, bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she did this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. On presenting these gifts, she told him that she had spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invested the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them!

Raytheon goes to Water on Wilful Damage Charges

An hour after a Wynnum magistrate found Lisa Bridle and I not guilty of “disobeying a police direction”, police rang my home to let me know that Raytheon did not wish to proceed with wilful damages charges resulting from another (our third) exorcism at their Brisbane offices.

Although the two charges are not related and under different acts, it appears Raytheon once again is more afraid of further embarrassment, than it is concerned with prosecuting people who “damage” their property.

The court case yesterday [25/7/08] got underway with Raytheon Project Manager Russell Daniels giving evidence. Russell started out making the ridiculous claim that he heard us shouting “verbal obscenities”. When pressed to elaborate by Lisa under cross examination, Russell said that he found us talking about Raytheon killing children obscene. Despite prosecution objections, Lisa was allowed to ask her next question: Did he find it obscene that Raytheon weapons actually killed and mutilated so many children?

Russell proceeded to deny (rather unconvincingly, I thought), any knowledge of Raytheon bombs.

During my cross examination, I asked Russell if Cruise Missiles, Harm Missiles, Paveway missiles, any other Raytheon missiles, or any of the 4 types of Raytheon cluster bombs were made at his offices. He denied it, and when asked if he knew about these weapons being made by Raytheon, he once again denied any knowledge of it. (He has been working for Raytheon for 5 years).

Russell was also shown the three A3 posters that we had put on their office walls, depicting Raytheon weapons and children mutilated by Raytheon weapons (Photos from a market place bombing in Baghdad, and the infamous Qana bombing). He read out the words “War Crimes by Raytheon”, but said he had not looked at these posters closely before despite them being left on his office walls on three separate occasions.

Hear no evil. See no Evil. Speak no evil.

Later a young Raytheon secretary claimed no knowledge of Raytheon making weapons at all.

Most interestingly however, Russell did admit knowing about the Raytheon9 action in Ireland! So these brave Irish resisters can take heart that their message has reached the furtherest outposts of the Raytheon Corporate empire.

Lisa gave evidence that while she as a mother observing the suffering of mothers in Lebanon or Baghdad, and how powerless they must feel, as Raytheon weapons destroyed their lives. She could see how much easier it was for her as middle class Australian to act. So act she did.

I was allowed to read details of Robert Fisk’s description of a cluster bomb attack which ripped apart at least nine children in Hillah, Iraq. I then referred to the Raytheon website where they proudly describe their cluster bombs and that at least 400 had been used in Iraq by the US forces (That is up to 800,000 bomblets with 160 million razor sharp pieces shredding '“soft” area targets’ - This last phrase is from Raytheon’s own website). I then explained how I believed only the demonic could account for ordinary people being involved in the construction of such evil devices. This then led to our attempt at exorcism of the Raytheon corporation.

In summing up Lisa pointed out that she had “a reasonable excuse” for doing what we did, but also pointed out that the charge the police had used was unlawful because under that act they could only move us on if it was a public place or a shop. The prosecutor tried to argue that it was a public place, but after much deliberation the magistrate was forced to agree with Lisa, and we were found not guilty.

When I arrived home (the next morning as it turned out after breaking a fan belt), Anne directed me to the message from the Morningside police who had charged me with wilful damage for our third exorcism. The voice on the answering machine informed me that I did not have to appear in court next Monday as “The complaint had been withdrawn”.

Hope this will inspire others. From little things, big things grow……

For our part Raytheon can expect to see us again…. soon.

Jim Dowling 26th July, 2008.

Save The Bardon Fairy House

www.savethefairyhouse.com

City Hall Is F*cking A

Brisbane's City Hall is symbolic, and the Deen Brothers should give it a wide berth writes Beanie Devland

Brisbane's City Hall is the best building ever. It is really nice on the outside (apart from the tympanum) and other than a bit of a musty smell, it's nice on the inside too. City Hall's rest rooms are the best in Brisbane. In fact the rest rooms are so good that a local band once used them as the backdrop for a videoclip.

Of course no-one cares about the Council meetings that take place at City Hall, but everybody in Brisbane (except the Lord Mayor) agree how symbolic and iconic it is given that it is one of the city's only heritage buildings. The pigeons also really appreciate City Hall's classical revival facade.

So in conclusion, I think City Hall would be lost forever if it were demolished - and that would be very sad - sort of.

The best thing to do would be to spend a few million dollars fixing it up.

Think about the pigeons.

[Beanie Devland is a former Deputy Mayor and Attorney-General. However, although he isn't an elected official anymore, he is not irrelevant and bobs up every now and then to air his point of view in the corporate media.]

Remarkably, 'Spring Hill Voice' has already received feedback relating to this issue.

Brisberg's Public Transport May Kill You

She's gonna blow!

B.C.C.'s Sustainability Chair, Mr X. Onmobil said the natural gas cylinders in the Council's bus fleet would probably all explode causing huge damage and casualties.

"Of course these killers are lying in wait for Brisbane residents who are reckless and irresponsible enough to want low emission public transport. Why people don't just drive huge 4WD everywhere is beyond me. There are heaps of great roads, bridges and tunnels to go zooming along, and it is just selfish zealots who want the ratepayers to provide these killer machines for the stinky hippies, paupers and other types who don't care for our precious children. Think of the little children," he said.

A spokesman from the totally independent group 'Citizen Ratepayers Against Public transport' (C.R.A.P.), Mr Carbonne E. Missions, said:

"We don't just talk C.R.A.P. but try to act it out every day. Enough is enough, these fools obviously hate the economy and want a recession. Public transport is against the natural order of the free market."

"Man is far behind in the search of something new
Like a Philistine, we're burning witches too
This world of hate must be designed for you
It matters what you say, it matters what you do

Now we're fighting in our hearts
Fighting in the streets
Won't somebody help me?

War war is stupid and people are stupid
And love means nothing, in some strange quarters
War war is stupid and people are stupid
And I heard the banging of hearts and fingers
War!

'The War Song', Culture Club (1984)

New Book Reveals Kevin Is Unreal

by Mr P. Dwarf

A new book written by so-called journalist Wolfman Jack, reveals that although I've been saying all along that Kevin isn't a nerd, he's actually really cool - in fact - he's unreal!

According to Wolfman Jack, Kevin had no idea his campaign strategy group had planned a cr*p slogan and website for the 2007 election campaign. He's also a suave ladykiller and would probably give Mr Hawke a run for his money in the beer drinking stakes.

After an arduous day at at the Buranda fete, Kevin will go to Sydney to launch the book - 'Kevin Is Unreal And Cossie Is A Loser: A Rupert Tool's Guide To The Last Federal Election' - not because it is any good, but because he is the Godfather of the author's child.

Without his knowledge, Kevin's campaign strategy group are already in discussions with a certain multinational convenience store (where you can get a slurpee) for the next campaign, which is rumoured to have the slogan "Kevin Seven Eleven". That's why any tricky legislation relating to the ETS and the ABCC won't be looked at until then.

Queenslanders Couldn't Give A Flying XXXX What They Drink

Queensland's favourite tipple will soon be environmentally friendly, as the state's leading brewer will begin recycling wee wee from pubs as of next month.

"We were bringing back all these empty kegs on delivery trucks and it seemed so un-green. And don't forget the huge amount of taxpayer's water we use to make beer to sell back to them. Being good corporate citizens we were also worried about all those binge-drinking p*ssheads. But, of course we have to keep making profits so we brought in some experts from the Ponds Institute and they came up with a brilliant win-win-win-win idea."

All pubs and bars will be re-plumbed so that the water from the urinals will be redirected into the keg room to refill empty kegs. The full kegs are then sent back to Milton for a bit of a clean up and a re-gas (taking extra CO2 out of the atmosphere). The new Beer will have a lower alcohol content but otherwise be exactly the same as the current brew Queelanders love.

A local beer-lover, Mr S. Pindocktor, took part in the pilot project and testing phase: "It's great! I couldn't tell the difference between the new stuff and the old stuff. It's great news for the environment, water supplies, my health and the XXXX shareholders. Brilliant!"

The Wank Tank Bridge

when proposed infrastructure
already has a name
why is it that the government
has to have a game?

they call upon the citizens
through their mates at Bowen Hills
to draw on their imagination
and/or creative skills

a bogus competition
to distract and obfuscate
they must think we're stupid
in the capital of the smart state

take the Dutton Park to UQ bridge
which was nearly Go-Between
now it's Eleanor Schonell
though we all call it green

a bridge worth $63 million
is the latest government wank
and let's be real about it
will always be known as Tank!

$600 million for a new court complex - wow!!!!

www.publicworks.qld.gov.au

The Man Without A MySpace

A special report from 'Spring Hill Voice's' cultural correspondent, Jack Aranda.

"somebody said it's not a good time to sell
economy down and your mind is unsound
and your body's an empty shell
my spirit got lost now something is missing
all the people 'round here are too bony for kissing"

'Spirit Got Lost', Mental As Anything [1983]

Despite spending what seemed like an eternity jostling with five o'clock fliers, my beautiful partner, Mr Gold Coast and I, found ourselves somewhat premature for Thursday evening's [18/7/08] tete-a-tete between Andrew Stafford and Robert Forster at the State Library of Queensland, so we decided a little aperitif wouldn't go astray. Risking life and limb, we crossed Grey Street, and hightailed it past the Jan Manton Gallery and the rail bridge "Cremorne Theatre Memorial" to the "Sly Fox".

Although the "Sly Fox" bar staff were very sweet, and the graceful old building itself has recently undergone a sympathetic renovation, like most of Brisbane's watering holes, it's not the pub I remember from earlier this decade. That special Brisbane feeling has been lost - and by that I don't just mean the removal of the "shagpile" wall carpet. For instance, if you wandered into the rear bar a couple of years ago - instead of a room packed with flashing pokies - you might have encountered a Canadian folk singer, or perhaps Brisbane's best known "sporting poet" po-go dancing to Pete Murray and band, before heading home to make gourmet pizzas with his wife and kids. In fact many Brisbaneites met their life partners here during EXPO 88.

On Thursday night, we were entertained by a very loud soloist, and when one of Brisbane's rock royalty cruised past the stainless steel smokers' tables searching for her creative compadre, no one even blinked through their rectangular framed glasses - woops - sorry - I forgot how unfashionable it is to lament the loss of "olde Brisbane"now that Joh's gone and we're all such culture vultures! In any case, with empty wallets and greying hair, we grumbled our way back to the "new and improved" State Library - a fascinating place to while away a few hours - and who knew tinned tuna and tomato sauce sandwiches were so popular with international students? And although you may find the over the top security initially offputting, if you frequent the State Library on a regular basis you eventually become accustomed to it.

Anyway, the sign may have said full house, but the auditorium was only about two-thirds full as we settled in to hear what Stafford and Forster had to say about Grant McLennan. It was an interesting discussion, and you can read a transcription of it here: www.woolleybooly.blogspot. Forster spoke about the McLennan Fellowship, his relationship with McLennan, the six months of despair at the loss of his friend and creative partner, writing as therapy and the production of his latest album 'The Evangelist'.

'The Evangelist' was recorded in London at the studio where Forster had previously recorded with McLennan. Forster said he wanted the album to have natural and warm feel, incorporating "big elements like piano". He said he thought the song 'Demon Days' was one of the best songs McLennan had ever written, and gave an evocative account of the first time McLennan played it for him - a late night in February 2006 at McLennan's Highgate Hill residence - after they hadn't seen one another over the Christmas/New Year period.

Forster said that 'Classic Albums' recently compiled an episode featuring the Go-Betweens' 1988 album '16 Lovers Lane', and this would be screened at both the Sydney Film Festival and B.I.F.F. In early 2006, many 'Go-Betweens' fans were shocked that portions of McLennan's song 'Streets Of Your Town', from '16 Lovers Lane', were used in a TV advertisement for the tabloid 'Courier-Mail'. (McLennan penned the song in response to Brisbane's oppressive political and social climate in the 1970s and 1980s, yet the lyrics alluding to this were omitted from the ad.)

Although Forster said "You can ask me anything," as the "conversation" was opened up to questions from the audience, nobody asked about selling out to 'The Courier-Mail', because that's very dangerous terrain, and no doubt subject to a confidentiality agreement. The questions ranged from why he chose to live in Brisbane rather than any other city in the world - familiarity and affordability; the town's live music scene - he likes to check out bands at The Troubadour, but also likes to be home in bed by midnight; and the shift in the recording industry - live performance is now where the money is made (that's why there are so many festivals).

The interview was part of the "Deepen the Conversation" series held at the State Library of Queensland. According to the publicity lady who co-ordinated Thursday night's proceedings, next month's "Deepen the Conversation" will involve the writers who contributed to 'Griffith Review's' "Hidden Queensland" edition. It would be nice if like Mr Forster they admitted not having MySpaces, Faceaches or bookface *rsefaces - but I won't hold my breath!

"Eyes without a face
Got no human grace
Your eyes without a face"

Billy Idol, 'Eyes Without A Face' (1984)

Overdrive In Doggie Discrimination Boosts P.L.O. Numbers

by Davis Handjob

Pouffeney: "United front"

Membership numbers of the Poodle Liberation Organisation (P.L.O) have increased following spurious reports in the corporate media that guide dogs have been refused access to taxicabs, according to P.L.O. spokesdoggie Pouffeney.

Speaking at a press conference outside the Doggie Day Care centre in Fortitude Valley, Pouffeney said she now acknowledged that all doggies - and not just pretentious little poodle dogs - need to present a "united front", before cocking her leg and peeing on the leg of a Limited News reporter.

"It is shameful that these thugs and bigots are using the good and honest name of guide dogs to incite racism and hatred," she said.

"Oh, and Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!"

Don’t Miss The Bus, Mr Rudd: Community Action for Sustainable Transport Inc. Media Release [16.07.08]

Reducing the fuel excise and Federal investment in roads will not make travel affordable.

This is the message coming from a coalition of more than 20 transport and environmental groups who have signed off on an open letter to PM Kevin Rudd, urging the Federal government to invest heavily in public transport to reduce the impacts of rising petrol prices.

“The Federal government’s urban transport priority must be to create a public transport system that takes people where they need to go, when they need to be there. More than anything else we need better alternatives to the car,” said Tristan Peach, spokesperson for Community Action for Sustainable Transport QLD (CAST).

“Providing better public transport for people in Ipswich, the Gold Coast, Brisbane and the Sunshine Coast means they will spend less on fuel, and households may not have to own a second or third car,” said Mr Peach.

“The Federal government are mad to be pouring money into the Northern Link tunnel and the Ipswich Motorway at a time when driving is becoming even more expensive,” said Mr Peach.

“This money should go into assisting the state government to duplicate and extend rail lines, provide increased public transport frequencies, more cross-city and outer suburban bus services and substantial lengths of dedicated cycling and walking infrastructure. These are the priorities,” said Mr Peach.

“A weekly ticket for unlimited public transport travel within 30km of the Brisbane CBD costs $40. Now that is affordable travel. We just need a public transport system that meets the needs of more people so they can benefit from these huge savings,” said Mr Peach.

Members of the public who want to send a message to the Federal Government about public transport can fill out an online form at GetUp which will be forwarded to their Federal MP

http://www.getup.org.au/campaign/FixTransport&id=355

Sydney's Homeless Demand Privacy On World Youth Day

A homeless person

130 homeless people in Sydney have demanded to be "moved on" to protect their privacy from hordes of 'good Samaritans' wanting to do their good deeds for the day. Sydney's 'WYD' organisers have already partly caved in to their demands, and moved the CBD soup kitchen to the more private Woolloomooloo area, but they want more.

Local homeless man, Mr Syd Shady, told 'Spring Hill Voice' that he was up to his armpits in alms.

"Christ", he exclaimed, "these bloody do-gooders are threatening not only my status as a homeless person but there is a real danger that I will become rich if they keep this up. I demand my privacy! It's all well and good to move the soup kitchen but I think we should all be made invisible, if only for a week or so, to protect our privacy. We don't want to be seen."

Mr Shady has been given so much money by visiting pilgrims that he has been thrown off Centrelink benefits and is being investigated by 'Operation Wickenby' (the tax office taskforce into high income tax dodgers).

Mr Shady and others report having been hounded and bothered by 'goddies' wanting to 'help' them.

"Fair dinkum, it's like one of those scenes from a Beatles movie. I've been chased up and down Sydney streets by hordes of screeming young pilgrims wanting their little piece of a token pauper. I'm fed up with it. I don't want a hand-out or a hand-up, I just want the f**king Church to leave me alone. It is because of them that I'm so f**ked-up."

As usual, the ABC has picked up on this scoop:

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/07/15/2304626.htm?section=australia

"City Hall Going To the Dogs": Pouffeney

by Charmian Shags and Sandy Bottom

Pouffeney: "Enough is enough"

South East Queensland identity - Pouffeney - has spoken out against recent attacks on pretentious little poodle dogs by Councils and the media.

"City Hall is going to the dogs - first they attacked our right to live in luxury penthouse units and now they're cracking down on barking and pooping," she said.

"It's a bit Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!"

Although owners of pretentious little poodle dogs couldn't give a flying f*ck whether the bags Council provides for them to clean up the poop are biodegradable, they are happily oblivious to the daylight robbery occuring vis-a-vis their rates and the Hale Street Bridge.

In addition, the dog collars, which measure how many times pretentious little poodle dogs bark, are being trialled in a mystery location following the Lord Mayor's crackdown on animal research at UQ.

Pouffeney said all pretentious little poodle dogs were welcome to join her faux doggie activist group the Poodle Liberation Organistion (P.LO.), which meets at the many "Dog Off Lead" areas around South East Queensland.

"After sniffing each other's butts, the main focus of the P.L.O. is to piddle on Council cars and media vehicles when we go walkies," said Pouffeney.

"It may be controversial, but enough is enough."

West End "Not Homogenous Enough": Leading Criminologist

A typical West End resident: "dangerous and out of control"

A leading criminologist says the inner city suburb of West End is too diverse and vibrant for its own good.

"People who read the Limited News press are risking life and limb when they go to West End," said Professor Lockemupanthrowawaythekey.

"The danger lies in the suburb not being homogenous, and all that diversity creates the wrong demography."

It is unclear why Professor Lockemupanthrowawaythekey's views are important right now, or why the Limited News continue to attack the only suburb in Brisbane with any soul.

A typical Limited News reader: "risking life and limb when they go to West End"

The Day The Pope Came Out

(Dedicated to the 'Art 2 Lunch' show on 4ZzZ (102.1FM)

Thanks for coming out Pope
In your Prada shoes
And in your Pope Mobile
Around Sydney you will cruise

And we're so glad that you are sorry
For the hurt and for the shame
But I have something to ask you
A question that remains

Can we have some condoms?
Or a dicksock or a franger?
Why is it so wrong?
To roll one on your wanger?

'Cos everybody knows
That our Earth is overpopulated
And I'll admit that often
I wish some of them had masturbated

Rubbers, frenchies, connies
The Egyptians liked to use em
And the W.H.O. have reported
That we need about 24 billion

Abstinence is not the answer
The earth needs birth control
Along with some protection
So stop being such an *rsehole

How about some family planning?
Mr Ansell's waiting for your call
It's up to you El Papa
You can save us all!

Coal Will Save Us From Climate Change - Hooray!

"Turn on the sun, turn on the sun
Light up the world, come everyone
Turn off the wind, thunder and rain
Turn on the sun, let's smile again"

'Turn On The Sun', Nana Mouskouri (1970)

A special report from our City Hall correspondent Charmian Shags.

The Premier may have introduced Professor Ross Garnaut at Brisbane's City Hall last Friday with the statement "Climate change has the potential to divide us or unite us," but the crowd gathered in the auditorium certainly wasn't divided, and it was clear that the majority of folks supported the introduction of an emissions trading scheme. Whether or not they believe climate change exists I couldn't say.

About three quarters of the 1000 strong audience arrived in officious looking groups, were wearing suits, lanyards, birkenstocks, sipping large lattes, and spent the duration of Garnaut's presentation pointedly glaring through their rectangular framed glasses at anyone who looked like they didn't belong - i.e. members of the general public. They raised their eyebrows at each other and snickered and groaned whenever anyone dared to ask Professor Garnaut a question vaguely challenging the implementation of an emissions trading scheme, or the difficulties of Carbon Capture and Storage.

This was rather disconcerting because it was supposed to be a public forum, and your reporter has attended many public forums on climate change, and she can confirm that at these forums the attendees are always from a broad cross-section of the community, and there is usually agreement that we need to do more about climate change than implement an emissions trading scheme. In fact some of us even argue that it's a scam - just like clean coal technology/carbon sequestration. Why do you think those Greenpeace activists scaled the smokestack of the Swanbank Power station and stayed up there for thirty hours? And why are all those young people taking action down in Newcastle?

It's not like Professor Garnaut doesn't appreciate the effect unmitigated climate change will have on the planet. Among other things, he knows the Great Barrier Reef will be f*cked beyond repair, the southern half of Australia will experience considerable drying and warming, and our health will suffer. It's just that his solution is unsatisfactory, especially when he says things like the export prices of Queensland commodities - including coal - will be affected by unmitigated climate change. Garnaut also gave short shrift to any questions from the audience about public transport, climate change refugees, whether an international declaration of a planetary emergency might free up constraints allowing us to really do something, and alternative energy. (In case you weren't aware, photovoltaic technology developed at the University of NSW is being rolled out in China, and Australian solar/thermal research is being commercialised in California.)

Garnaut said, "We can see how it goes in California and China and maybe we can deploy a lot more of it here."

I can tell you I felt a whole lot better about things after hearing that, and I left City Hall convinced that the world can heave a collective sigh of relief as our environment is in good hands. Those invisible ones belonging to that wondrous Free Market!

Speaking of Brisbane's City Hall, there's an exhibition at the Museum of Brisbane called 'A City Seen: Works from the City of Brisbane Collection', featuring the beautiful paintings of Kenneth Jack,Vida Lahey, Lloyd Rees and Jon Molvig - that's worth checking out. Especially if you're interested in seeing what a pretty town Brisbane used to be!

And if you're on the Gold Coast, the Gold Coast City Art Gallery is currently showing '9 Shades of Whiteley'. It is the only Queensland venue for this travelling exhibition presented by the Art Gallery of New South Wales. '9 Shades' includes Brett Whiteley's early works, abstracts, Christie & London Zoo series, Lavender Bay, Portraits, Birds & Landscapes and sculptures. '9 Shades' is stunning, and if you go, make sure you have a couple of hours to watch Don Featherstone's fascinating 1989 documentary 'Difficult Pleasure: A Portrait of Brett Whiteley'.

Suck on that G.o.M.A.!

In unrelated news, Geoffrey Rush has stepped in to save Yungaba - just like he saved the Shingle Inn!

Veteran Group disgusted by Nelson’s patronising rhetoric about soldier’s death: Press Release from 'Stand Fast' [11/7/08]

The Australian-based veterans group Stand Fast today rejected statements made by Federal opposition leader Brendan Nelson regarding the tragic death in Afghanistan of SAS Signaller Sean McCarthy.

Stand Fast spokesperson Hamish Chitts said the group, comprised of veterans and former military personnel who oppose the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, regards the rhetorical remarks of Dr Nelson as a vile attempt to turn public opinion to support the war in Afghanistan.

“This war is primarily about having easier access to the oilfields in Turkmenistan to the North of Afghanistan, including a possible pipeline from these oilfields through Western Afghanistan to lucrative markets in Pakistan and India. Soldiers are sacrificing their lives so that others can earn a profit from it,” he said.

“To bury this war under the cloak of democracy and a war on terror is ridiculous. As veterans and ex-service personnel, we reject this attempt to say that anyone in Afghanistan has died in our name. We think Dr Nelson is looking after the interests of big business and dressing it up to look like the people of Afghanistan have the capability and desire to invade Sydney,” Chitts said.

Chitts’ comments came after Brendan Nelson was quoted as saying; "Signaller McCarthy has given his life in our name, in the cause of fighting extremism and the Taliban in particular.”

“Stand Fast would like to ask Mr Nelson and Mr Rudd did the bride and 22 other members of her wedding party who were killed by U.S. bombs in Nangarhar province on Sunday (July 6) also give their lives in our name? Have the thousands of other civilians who have already died as part of the occupation of Afghanistan also given their lives in our name?” Chitts asked.

“Of course we don’t support the politics and religious fundamentalism of the Taliban. Initially the Taliban was easily defeated because they didn’t have the support of most Afghanis. Now their ranks are being swelled, not by people who have suddenly been won over to the Taliban’s view of the World but by people who oppose the puppet regime of thugs and opium barons whose rule our troops help enforce.” he said.

“These members of parliament, both Labor and Coalition vie with each other to be more ‘the diggers friend’ than the other. Most have never served in the Defence Force nor left the comforts of their parliamentary offices. The fact that these politicians use this death to sell their unpopular and unjustifiable war in Afghanistan is disgusting. As veterans our thoughts are with Sean’s family and all those still in harm’s way in Iraq and Afghanistan. No more blood should be shed for the profiteers, bring the troops home now,” Chitts said.

High Court Rules "Newspapers" Works Of Fiction

"Nobody believes that rot!": Judge

In a landmark case, The High Court has unanimously ruled that the limited news "newspapers" are "completely fabricated nonsense incapable of being mistaken as factual". Hearing an Appeal from Queerland's Caught Of A Peel against a finding that a man could not receive a fair trial because of coverage in the 'Cold Toast Bullshittin'', The pithy 'Cannes Post' and the 'Curious-Tale', the High Court had to consider whether any "reasonable, sane person of above moronic intellect would believe things published" by the limited news press.

The man was to have been tried in Brisberg last week but the trial Judge made a finding that because of "prejudicial, judgmental, defamatory attacks in the newspapers depicting the man's guilt as a foregone conclusion", the man could not have a fair trial and the case was dismissed. In an attempt to satisfy the howling coming from Bowen Hills, the government responded by jerking its knees and filing an A Peel which consisted of several days editions of the papers under a note which read: "Dear Caught, please fix this up, yours George Street."

The Caught Of A Peel ruled that the documents were senseless and of no use to a real Judicial process and that the trial judge had not made an error. The Government downloaded some documents from GoogleLaw.com and took the matter to the High Court.

The High Court ruling concluded that it was impossible to prove that anybody actually read the newspapers in question, that no sensible person would actually believe any of the rubbish presented in those papers in any case, and also that the stories were so obviously one-eyed caricatures of reality that they could not possibly be given any credibility. In their judgment the Court referred to a long list of cases including: John Howard's certain victory at the 2007 Federal election, the non-existence of a carbon dioxide problem, the government's innocence of any involvement in the AWB scandal, the obvious guilt of David Hicks, the certain guilt of Dr Haneef, the Latham sex video, the exemplary record of GW Bush's administration, the proven effectiveness of torture, the proven brilliance of the Nelson Opposition and an infinite list of examples of cut'n'paste Press Release journalism.

The Newspapers are thought to be having mixed feelings about the judgment but today's headline in all three was: "VICTORY FOR FREE SPEECH!"

Greens back $10 billion investment call for mass transit: Alternatives are the only real compensation: Media Release [8/7/08]

The Australian Greens today strongly backed calls from the Bus Industry and public transport experts for a$10 billion injection of funds from the Federal Government into mass transit infrastructure as the only way to provide Australians with real, permanent relief from rising oil and carbon prices.

Australian Greens climate change spokesperson, Senator Christine Milne,said, "The Greens have long been calling for a complete rethink of transport policy in Australia, reprioritising funding from roads across to mass transit infrastructure, bike paths and walkways.

"In a world where climate change and peak oil are realities that we must plan for, and where traffic congestion and air pollution are driving people up the wall, the positive and sensible course of action to is tohelp people get out of their cars by providing cheap and convenient alternatives.

"With the chorus of calls growing for compensation for emissions trading and relief from global oil price rises, it's important to realise that ad hoc cuts to excise, no matter how high, will never provide real relief. They will be swallowed up in days and the calls will only get louder. Kevin Rudd must be straight with the Australian people and tell them that petrol prices will not go down again but will keep rising.

"The only way to provide real, permanent relief from rising oil and carbon prices is to bring on the alternatives as fast as possible to help Australians stop relying on polluting, and increasingly scarce, oil.

"By getting more buses on the road, more trains on the tracks and, overtime, more extensive light and heavy rail networks, we can make fast,accessible mass transit a convenient option for the great majority of people in our cities and in our regions.

"The bus industry and transport experts are absolutely right to call forthis $10 billion injection of funds and, if the Rudd Government heeds their advice, they will find a welcome reception in the Senate for their efforts."

Yungaba Action Group Launch Legal Fight

The Yungaba Action Group are preparing a legal challenge to fight the Kangaroo Point development, which will turn Australia's last remaining (and intact) purpose-built 19th century immigration depot into ten luxury apartments. The group have engaged a legal firm with extensive experience in the Land and Environment Court, and have the support of a heritage expert as an expert witness.

The Yungaba Action Group believe that heritage listed Yungaba, which is located beneath Brisbane's Story Bridge, should remain in public hands as an immigration museum. In a recent email to supporters, the President of the Yungaba Action Group wrote:

"Never again will future generations of Australians have the chance to walk in the footsteps of their ancestors where they first set foot on Australian soil. Instead, Yungaba will become the sole property of 10 millionaires who will live in luxury units with their own exclusive views down to the Brisbane River.

We need your help in this fight – we have been told that the sale is a done deal and that our cause is hopeless. But it is not in the Australian spirit to give up on what is right even though it seems hopeless.

We invoke the indomitable spirit of our immigrant ancestors and of the wounded ANZACS who were welcomed back to Queensland after their baptism on fire in WW1 to help us win back Yungaba for the people of Queensland. We will not give up!"

For more information, see the Yungaba Action Group website: www.yungaba.org.au

Building A Smarter Future

Do you know Queensland has a Chief Scientist? His name is Professor Peter Andrews AO, and he gave a presentation at City Hall last night [7/7/08] titled: 'Queensland Science: Building a Smarter Future'.

Professor Andrews discussed Queensland's $2 billion Research & Development budget and his vision for our scientific future, drawing from a paper - 'Queensland Science: Building a Smarter Future' - which can probably be accessed at: www.chiefscientist.qld.gov.au. The three aspects to Professor Andrews' vision are: "Building a knowledge economy", "Securing the very best of health" and "Ensuring our environmental future".

One of his ideas for building a knowledge economy is to move R & D from universities and the public sector to industry, by converting it into small companies. Professor Andrews said that in the United States 80% of R & D is located within industry, while in Queensland 77% of R & D takes place within universities.

Why independent scientific research is anathema to "building a knowledge economy" is beyond me!

Professor Andrews also wants to ensure that the incidence of chronic disease in Queenslanders, including the aged and the indigenous, is among the lowest in the world. He said that through Smart State Council funding, the focus of research will be directed at the primary and secondary prevention level. Screening is part of this initiative, and Professor Andrews spoke of current research projects into the detection of cancers in the bloodstream.

Wow! Sounds like a lucrative little earner for someone!

Interestingly yesterday's [7/7/09] Fairfax media reported leading microbiology expert Associate Professor Keryn Christiansen's concerns that state and federal health authorities need to act urgently to control resistant organisms in hospitals:

"With antibiotics proving less profitable for drug companies to research and manufacture because of their limited lifespan, Dr Christiansen said Australia needed to invest in an antibiotic resistance initiative."

As for the environment, Professor Andrews said that Queensland was "Beautiful one day, perfect the next. but how long is it going to last?"

Queenslanders emit 42 tonnes of greenhouse gases per capita, with an ecological footprint 7.2 HA per person. Citing "huge opportunities" in clean coal technology and biofuels, Professor Andrews said that by 2025, Queensland must take the lead in reducing greenhouse gas emissions, and the sustainable development of tropical ecosystems.

Folks. We are doomed.

Anyway, in order to reach our destination of a "Smarter Future", Professor Andrews said that Queensland needs to: invest in innovation, acquire the skills and build the culture. Surprisingly, changing the status of our teachers so that they are remunerated fairly and respected by the community, forms part of this strategy.

At the conclusion of his lecture, Professor Andrews appeared quite keen to answer questions, but for some reason, the organisers cut the Q & A session short. One audience member did ask a question about solar energy, and it was revealed that our Premier has signed a memorandum of understanding with the Clinton Foundation to build one of four solar plants at Cloncurry. Unfortunately the type of plant being proposed (refractive) is hardly cutting edge technology and will require copious quantities of water to function. But I suppose it's a nice token.

Professor Andrews' lecture was part of the University of Queensland's "BrisScience" series of lectures: www.BrisScience.org

Christopher Langton's 'Facade', suspended mid-air at the George Street end of Burnett Lane, Brisbane.

'Peace Love Unity', beneath the Countess Street Railway Bridge, Brisbane

(UPDATE: 'Peace Love Unity' appeared early this month and had been painted over by last week. Says a lot about what the Brisbane City Council think about genuine art, peace, love and unity AND their spending priorities!)

Naomi Klein Calls For A New Deal

If you'd tuned in to 4ZzZ's (102.1 fm) 'Anarchy Show' this afternoon [7/7/08], you would have caught Naomi Klein's brilliant speech at the National Conference for Media Reform in Minneapolis on 7 June.

You can see the speech at: http://submedia.tv/stimulator/2008/07/02/naomi-kleins-controversial-speech/.

Here's an excerpt:

"...I want to bring our minds back to another moment of profound crisis after the the market crisis of 1929. That was the moment that created The New Deal. Now it didn't happen because FDR was a great guy. It happened because people in this country were so radicalised, were so determined, were so organised, that he was able to sell the new deal to the elites as a compromise. Because the alternative was revolution.

I don't know if you support Barack Obama. I don't know if you support any candidate. But I can tell you this. That the greatest gift that you could give him would be of being that kind of a threat. The gift that he could be able to say to the Wall Street players that have funded his campaign: "Look, I've got no choice. They're crazy out there. I've got to get us out of Iraq, I've got to protect Americans from foreclosure, I've got to create a green new deal."

Because the credibility of the entire system is on the line. It's worth remembering the very special and important dynamics that created that process. The progressives of the 1930s drew energy from two key sources. They clearly saw the crisis as evidence of the failures of deregulated capitalism. The failures of laissez faire economics. That's what created the crash. They had the correct diagnosis, they weren't afraid to make it. They also had their unshakeable conviction in their own ideas, their own alternatives. And they had an unshakeable belief that those ideas represented a end to the logic that had pushed so many into dire poverty so quickly.

They declared an end to laissez faire capitalism (laissez faire means let it be - we might call it stuff happens today). They wanted an activist government. One not afraid to do, to build, to plan. Full employment. They did it through mass union drives, consumer organisation, organising students. They had this crazy idea. Their idea was that since Wall Street financiers had created the crisis, that de facto disqualified them from solving it.

The progressives of that era didn't think it was enough to get their candidate into office and relax. They knew they had to organise independent, progressive movements to be a counter power to the business lobby, which was pushing from the other side. So yes, FDR bought in The New Deal, but he did so under enormous and continuous pressure from the grassroots...

History is cyclical. Because for the past 30 years, we have been living a backlash and policies like it around the world. That's what this era, since Reagan, has been about. But the mood is turning, and the climate is right for a new wave of big, bold, creative thinking and solutions. But I'm bringing this up because there is a real danger of thinking that all it takes is getting a right candidate in the White House. And that, in fact, as you all know, is only the beginning..."

It's OK To Binge Drink 2-3 Times A Week

Australians were recently told by the federal government that 4 drinks per day now constitutes "binge drinking". This bogus distraction to real problems facing this country has bobbed up in the corporate media again today.

Anyway, it's reassuring that not all politicians are so full of sh*t. A former Olympian turned politician said this in a book he wrote a few years ago:

"Alcohol should be avoided when on a calorie restricted diet. However, when you are not restricting calories, the level to drink is:

* Men: 4-5 standard drinks 2-3 times per week

*Women: 2-3 standard drinks 2-3 times per week

One standard drink is equivalent of pint of ordinary beer, one measure of spirit, a small sherry or a glass of wine."

Aussie Politicians Pledge To Save Murrays

One of the Murrays - Pete Murray

Politicians around the country have given unclear assurances that they will do everything in their power to save the Murrays.

Even the Prime Minister has allocated associated infrastructure to improve efficiency, but he can't make a guarantee.

"I've had a gutful," he said.

The Murrays - including Pete, Les X2 (i.e. both the SBS icon and the poet) and Murray Coaches - are national treasures which should be protected for future generations.

As for the mighty river system, which was discovered by the explorers Hume and Hovell in 1824, and named after the Secretary of State for the Colonies, Sir George Murray (1772 -1846), by Captain Charles Sturt and Major Thomas Mitchell in 1830, well, cotton farmers appear to have priority at this point.

A Penitent Man Can Be Pardoned

An anecdote from the appendix of the 1949 edition of Abraham Lincoln's 'Speeches and Letters' (Everyman's Library) - purchased from the Rare Books table at this weekend's Lifeline Bookfest on the Gold Coast:

"One day I took a couple of friends from New York upstairs, who wished to be introduced to the President. It was after the hour for business calls, and we found him alone, and, for once, at leisure. Soon after the introduction, one of my friends took occasion to indorse, very decidedly, the President's Amnesty Proclamation, which had been severely censured by many friends of the Administration. Mr. S---'s approval touched Mr. Lincoln. He said, with a great deal of emphasis, and with an expression of countenance I shall never forget: "When a man is sincerely penitent for his misdeeds, and gives satisfactory evidence of the same, he can safely be pardoned, and there is no exception to the rule!""

Notorious Pedophile Run Out Of Community

"The horrible thing about the Two Minutes Hate was not that one was obliged to act a part, but that it was impossible to avoid joining. Within thirty seconds any pretense was always unnecessary. A hideous ecstasy of fear and vindictiveness, a desire to kill, to torture, to smash faces in with a sledge hammer, seemed to flow through the whole group of people like an electric current, turning one even against one's will into a grimacing, screaming lunatic. And yet the rage that one felt was an abstract, undirected emotion which could be switched from one object to another like the flame of a blowlamp." ('nineteen eighty-four', George Orwell)

Mr Martian..."outraged"

Martians on Mars have held a protest against a notorious pedophile who was placed on their planet by the Queensland Government.

The protest, which involved a display of curiously uniform placards (coincidentally all on the same type of board and written with the same markers!) and a bizarre kind of bonfire with folks who would normally be tucked up in bed at that time of the evening, was sparked by a series of SMS messages - even though mobile coverage is sporadic on Mars.

Community leader Mr Martian said the martian community were outraged that the government had placed such a notorious pedophile in their community.

"I also don't like the fact that we only have one paper and no upper house, but there's nothing I can do about that," he said.

Although the notorious pedophile's trial did not proceed because the Judge determined his chances of a fair trial had been impeded by unfair media coverage, the only paper in town continues to harass him. It appears the individuals associated with the only paper in town have an unhealthy obsession with sex and children. Weirdos.

“Turn on to politics, or politics will turn on you.”
Ralph Nader

http://www.votenader.org/

Registered Trademark To Save Brisbane

Although no one in New York gives a flying f*ck, the "I heart BNE" logo can now be used freely as it has finally been registered as a trademark.

Brisbane's citizens can now buy the "I heart BNE" logo to stick on their cars or their front fences to display how easily they have been brainwashed by greenwashing.

Although the $150 million spent on "I heart BNE" could have been spent on public transport, the City Hall Can Do said that "I heart BNE" was a cynical exercise in tokenism.

In related news, the release of the much anticipated draft, preliminary, definitely, maybe Garnaut Report has revealed that only the free market (i.e. a carbon trading scheme and bogus subsidies for clean coal technology and emissions reduction) and weasel words, will save us from climate change. IPCC anyone?

And in unrelated news, Aussie superstar Jason Donovan has missed out on an OBE.

http://www.garnautreview.org.au/CA25734E0016A131/pages/public-forums

Leading Sports Brands And Unions Working Together Globally For Better Working Conditions: Play Fair 2008 Media Release, [2/7/08]

Brussels, 2 July 2008: A month before the start of the Beijing Olympics key sporting goods brands including Nike, adidas, New Balance, Umbro and Speedo are forming a ground breaking joint working group with trade unions and NGOs to explore amongst other issues how to promote trade unionism and collective bargaining as well as improving wages across the sector.

The joint group is charged with determining how to prioritise and incentivise union organisation, collective bargaining and social dialogue. It will seek to establish a better understanding of how business is done including on manufacturing systems; costings; productivity; and information required for effective contract bargaining and dialogue. Approaches to contract labour, closure procedures and training for managers and workers will also be developed.

The sporting goods industry is responding to repeated pressure on supplier factory conditions and demands for a living wage from the Play Fair 2008 campaign (PF08), led by the ITUC (International Trade Union Confederation), the ITGLWF (the International Textile, Garment and Leather Workers Federation) and the CCC (Clean Clothes Campaign). PF08 released a report "Clearing the Hurdles" in April this year. The report identified low wages; abuse of short-term contracts and other forms of precarious employment; violations of freedom of association; and factory closures due to industry restructuring as the four hurdles to overcome. The report and the detailed targets in the report formed the basis of a three day long conference in Hong Kong, ending today July 2nd.

http://www.playfair2008.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=122&Itemid=65

World Famous Magical Clown Appointed Head Of Southport Police Station

Couldn't think of any other policing strategy to help our troubled youth?

The well-known figurehead of the world's most famous fast food restaurant was appointed the head of Southport Police Station this week.

Senior Sergeant Ronald The Clown will be responsible for this new policing initiative which could soon be implemented throughout Queensland.

"We investigated the possibility of using other restaurant chains, but some of them - like Pizza Hut - didn't have a figurehead, while with others - like Big Chief and KFC - the figurehead was entirely inappropriate," said Minister Judy.

"C'mon kids!" said Senior Sergeant Ronald The Clown.

"Eat this burger, or I'll taser you!"

Southport Police Station

Commuting Consumers' Car Confidence Collapses

"I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day"

'I Can See Clearly Now', Johnny Nash (1972)

Some commuters are more creative than others!

A national survey undertaken by Australian Automotive And Retailing Society (A.A.A.R.S.) has revealed that consumers have stopped buying houses and stuff from Hardly Normal, and commuters aren't driving their cars as much.

The results of the survey are so shocking and are likely to spark a transport or community revolution according to a spokesperson from A.A.A.R.S.

"Unless you've got cr*p in your eye, I don't know how anyone could have failed to see this coming," he said.

"But whatever you do, don't mention the fact that the "revolution" will mean that some folks will be able to continue driving their gas guzzlers, while the rest of us won't. And don't say anything about taxpayers dollars being spent on tunnels rather than public transport."

One consumer said he was glad to be a stereotypical I.T. professional with a scooter.

"I am getting so creative," he said.

"And it's all Kevin's fault."

A Literary Bushranger? Where Else But Queensland?

James McPherson a.k.a "The Wild Scotsman" (image courtesy John Oxley Library)

"Come, all my hearties,
we'll roam the mountains high,
Together we will plunder,
together we will die.
We'll wander over valleys,
and gallop over plains,
And we'll scorn to live in
slavery, bound down with iron chains.

Tis of a wild Colonial Boy,
Jack Doolan was his name,
Of poor but honest parents,
he was born in Castlemaine.
He was his father's only hope,
his mother's pride and joy,
And dearly did his parents love
the wild Colonial Boy."

Emeritus Professor Bob Milns, from the University of Queensland presented a lecture - 'James McPherson: Bushranger, Scholar and Poet' at the Queensland Police Museum on Sunday - in which he discussed his research into one of Queensland's enigmatic characters. Addressing a full lecture theatre - many of the attendees were later revealed to be McPherson's descendants - Professor Milns began with a brief outline of McPherson's life before examining his achievements as a scholar and poet, and explaining how he thought McPherson had acquired his literary abilities and mastered several languages (French, German, Italian, Spanish, Hebrew and Gaelic).

James McPherson a.k.a. "The Wild Scotsman" or "The Wild Scotchman", was born in Scotland in 1841 to John and Elspeth McPherson. The family emigrated to Brisbane in 1855, before moving to Crestbrook Station in the Brisbane Valley, where John worked as a ploughman. In 1858 James was apprenticed to John Petrie (a building contractor and then Mayor of Brisbane) as a stone cutter and mason.

Professor Milns said that in the early 1860s, McPherson's life took a "turn for the worse", and in February 1864 he participated in his first hold up - a hotel near Bowen. It is thought that he then tried to become a member of the Ben Hall gang prior to be being captured at Lambing Flat in 1865. After escaping from custody, McPherson was captured at Gin Gin in 1866 and sentenced to 25 years imprisonment.

McPherson spent the first three years of his sentence in Brisbane's Petrie Terrace prison before being transferred to St Helena. He was released in 1874 after his petition for pardon, signed by a large number of Brisbane dignitaries, was sent to the Colonial Secretary. McPherson was employed as head stockman for the grazier Henry Plantagenet Somerset at his Longreach property, and in 1878, he eloped with seventeen-year-old Elizabeth Ann Hoszfeldt.

The McPhersons settled in Burketown in 1892, and James died in 1895 after being crushed under his horse while returning from a funeral. He is buried in an unmarked grave in Burketown Cemetery.

As well as his brief bushranging career, which Professor Milns suggested that because of McPherson's scholarly pursuits, could be viewed as a period of part-time study!, McPherson was exceedingly well read, a competent poet and self-taught in several languages, including Latin. Professor Milns said a handwriting expert has verified that McPherson's 1874 petition and the poems, are all written in the same hand.

Professor Milns uncovered a letter to a Maryborough newspaper penned by "One Who Knew Him" (Milns has his suspicions about its authorship!), which revealed that in the late 1850s, McPherson was a regular attender and member of the School of Arts in Ann Street, that he loved debating and was an avid reader (he frequently sent to Sydney for books) with a passion for the "Waverley" novels of Sir Walter Scott.

At Cressbrook Station, McPherson may have been taught German by one of the many German migrants who had settled in the area. Professor Milns also believes that in his early years McPherson was much influenced by the Scottish poet James Macpherson (1736-96), who translated the Ossian cycle of poems (revealed as a literary scam by Dr Samuel Johnson, among others). James and Elizabeth named their eldest son James Ossian. The journal records of James Joseph Neave - a Quaker who visitied St Helena prison - record his meeting McPherson, and reported he had been learning several languages.

Professor Milns said that McPherson's poetry illustrates that he was "well acquainted with the mythology of the ancient greeks and romans" and had "knowledge of literature and feeling for language and poetry". For example, McPherson's poem 'Mosquitoes on St Helena' was written in "mock heroic style". A possible explanation for McPherson's rudimentary Latin (Professor Milns said that if one of his students had written at the same level, they would receive a pass mark) could be that whilst on St Helena, he acquired Latin books and taught himself.

McPherson contributed poems and articles to the 'Burketown Eagle' under the nom de plume "Poor Jim", and when he passed away his obituary concluded:

"Men Die, but the cause lives on."

McPherson's poetry remains unpublished - only 'Mosquitoes on St Helena' was published in a U.S. parisotological journal in 1975. Up until the last couple of years, the town of Gin Gin has held an annual event in March - the Wild Scotsman weekend - but whether this unique Queenslander will be remembered as part of next year's sesquicentenary celebrations remains to be seen - intellectual rebels aren't really in vogue right now.

Professor Milns concluded his lecture with a stirring reading of one of McPherson's poems about St Helena - penned during the early part of his incarceration on the prison island. The lecture was part of the Queensland Police Museum's 'Sunday Lecture Series', which feature guest speakers from across the crime solving field.

The Sunshine State Soaks Up Some Satire

The crowd ambling into the Lyric Theatre last Saturday for the late night session of 'The Chaser's War On Terror Variety Hour' was the most diverse mix of youngsters, anarchists, misfits, old lefties and media professionals in knee length boots and rectangular glasses ever gathered together for a QPAC event.

We motley appreciators of the subversive and the absurd paid fifty bucks in anticipation of a few well needed laughs – and laugh we did – throughout the entire, high-energy performance!

And thankfully, the show was much more than a stage adaptation of the very funny (and for some reason – controversial) television series. The ‘Eulogy Song’ didn’t even get a burl!

Sure, there were references to the infamous APEC stunt, surprise spruiker and Anna Coren, but Julian Morrow, Andrew Hansen, Chas Licciardello and Craig Reucassel (Chris Taylor was replaced by the extraordinarily hirsute Dominic Knight – a founding member of The Chaser) had us giggling, clapping, groaning and sometimes wondering whether we should be laughing at all at their skits, musical numbers and risque repartee.

They took the p*ss out of Powerpoint (who else could do it in conjunction with the Hamlet soliquoy?), dating sites and social networking – only Craig Reucassel could get away with setting up an “*rse” Facebook. And his attempt to get more publicity for his *rse, through a video news release, actually made it to an evening news bulletin in South Australia. Nothing was sacred, from hip hop artists who have made a career of criticizing John Howard, to Philip Nitschke – but that’s the whole point – exposing the ridiculousness of our uptight society.

Even the ‘Courier-Mail’ copped a serve for being Australia’s sole climate change denier (although that isn’t really fair given that Bolt, Blair, Albrechtson, Devine, Duffy, Mitchell, Armstrong and others join in this fantasy).

Although cliched references to Logan, Ipswich and the State Of Origin received a lukewarm response – the audience appreciated the gents gave Brisbane’s Lord Mayor a touch up. We were also duly impressed by a song about a lesser known Australian Prime Minister who hailed from Queensland – the Right Honourable Francis Michael Forde – who ruled our nation for eight days in 1945 following the death of John Curtin.

Ad hoc audience participation throughout the performance culminated with a stirring, Julie Anthony inspired rendition of Advance Australia Fair, which ended the evening on a surreal, yet patriotic high.

The Chaser gentleman prove yet again that a dose of irreverent, witty entertainment is the perfect antidote for a nation that’s been taking itself far too seriously. We should count our lucky stars they decided to venture north!

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