Donut Riots Bring City To A Standstill
Brisbane's CBD came to a standstill today [29/4/08] as violence engulfed the streets surrounding the newly opened Kreepy Kremes donut store.
The rioting began after the store was officially opened by the Brisbane Bonkos, when protesters from the Keep Kreepy Kremes Away (K.K.K.A.) group clashed with Kreepy Kremes fans outside the store.
Police were called to the scene, but were unable to maintain control until well into the afternoon.
"The situation deteriorated very quickly," said Senior Sergeant Mo Stache.
"The hoards of Kreepy Kremes fans were so high they didn't know what they were doing, and when members of the K.K.K.A. began their chant "No No Donuts, You Know What They Do To Your Nuts!", it was on for one and all."
A City Hall source told 'Spring Hill Voice' he wasn't surprised things got sticky, as Kreepy Kremes fans had been hassled earlier on.
"A family of Kreepy Kremes fans who had camped out for the night at the front of the store were moved on because they looked like they were homeless. The father was furious, and kept yelling, "Do you know who I am? Do you know I have connections with the US embassy in Canberra, the US Department of State, the US Department of Defense [sic] and well connected PR outfits?" and "Don't you know what happens to people who try to mess with multinational corporations?"" he said.
Spokesperson for the K.K.K.A. group, Miss Cinnamon Roll said she had "no regrets" about the riots.
"Most people were unaware of the effects these donuts have on their body," she said.
"Just look at that family who camped out overnight - seven kids - if that bloke eats any more donuts his nuts will shrivel up.
Nobody asked Wayne whether he thought eating donuts would impact on the
Bonkos training regime, because even though he's still the coach, he isn't relevant
anymore, and after all he's done for Brisbane everyone just wants him to go
away.
Australian Greens Leader in Venezuela for hostage friend:
Greens Media Release, 29/4/08
Australian Greens Leader Senator Bob Brown is in Caracas, Venezuela to meet officials of the Chavez government for news about kidnapped Colombian Greens Senator Ingrid Betancourt.
Ms Betancourt, who is a friend of Senator Brown, has been held hostage in the southern Colombian jungle by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC) guerrillas since 2003.
"President Chavez used his good offices to help win the release of six other hostages, including Ingrid's friend Clara Rojas in March this year. Then the Colombian army bombed the guerrillas and killed their chief negotiator. FARC Commander Ivan Marquez says the possibility of more releases of hostages is 'closed'," Senator Brown said.
"It is important that the worldwide efforts for Ingrid's release are redoubled. She is in horrific circumstances. I want President Chavez to know his efforts to obtain the release of hostages in Colombia are appreciated as far away as Australia", Senator Brown said.
On Wednesday Senator Brown is going to Sao Paulo, Brazil for the second Global Greens Congress. Ingrid Betancourt drew huge applause when she addressed the first Global Greens Congress in Canberra in 2001.
Finally, An Honest Appraisal Of The Brisbane Property Market
Here's an excerpt from Herron Todd White's recent "Brisbane Residential Overview":
"Brisbane as a metropolitan capital has truly come of age over the past few years. Whether it began with Expo 88, the urbanisation of a historically commercial CBD or the discovery of vast tracts of valuable waterfront land around the uber-cool centres of The Valley and New Farm is often argued over. One thing for certain is that we stopped being a poor city cousin for the major southern capitals and became a very livable and attractive option for both interstate and overseas arrivals. The net result has been big time demand and we have been trying to catch up since.
So has the bell tolled? Well it appears that if the bell is flagging some sanity, then yes. Our valuers are talking to agents daily where enquiry is down, stock is up and vendors need to get realistic with their pricing if they want to achieve a sale.
Further evidence comes from Residex data showing that Brisbane's median property value sits at $422,000 after growing 21.15% last year. The data also shows that the last quarter to the end of February saw a fall on a prorata basis to record 3.37% for the 3 months. This drop is further highlighted by a recorded - 1.29% fall over the past month. We have not seen and do not generally expect to see sustained price falls based on the available evidence, but when the urgency leaves buyers decision making and vendors are seeing their listing times go from days to weeks (and in some cases even months), you know that there is some change in the wind."
How Things Change
No it's not Trent Parke's 'Exotica Gold Coast Highway' 2007, it's the 'Spring Hill Voice' rip off! (By the way, this Asian Groceries store is at Mermaid Beach, and sells a wonderful array of culinary goodies)
"You're wrong if you support capital punishment
And you're wrong if you don't question your government
If you think her reproductive rights are inconsequent, you're wrong
You're wrong fighting Jihad, your blind faith in God
Your religions are all flawed,
You're wrong about drug use, when its not abuse
I hope you never reproduce."
'You're Wrong', NOFX, 2006
'Spring Hill Voice' took a look at the 'Streets of Gold: Photographs from Gold Coast streets 1957 - 2008' exhibition currently on show at the Gold Coast City Art Gallery.
Spanning three generations, 'Streets Of Gold' has captured the the Gold Coast in all its glitz, excitement and everyday ordinariness.
The three renowned photographers - Jeff Carter, John Gollings and Trent Parke - don't hail from the Gold Coast, but their striking photographs prove it often takes the keen eye of an outsider to reveal the essence of a place.
As you exit the exhibition, make sure you check out the "It's Hot In Brisbane, But It's Coolangatta" audio visual presentation. This lovely collection of images and related audio reminiscences offer an insight into how the Gold Coast developed from a resort town into an international holiday destination. Many of the iconic places have long since disappeared, but the memories of the showbusiness oldtimers and resort proprietors are very entertaining nonetheless.
Our visit was bizarrely juxtaposed against a huge gathering for something called "Metrofest" - a Metro Church get together where cars were given away to the more needy of the flock.
One can only hope that the Gold Coast City Council charges this organisation a pretty penny for the privilege of holding their event at the Arts Centre - especially given that there was no shortage of glossy, expensive looking promotional material on display, and they are holding a conference entitled "Millionaires Success" in June.
It was tragic to observe a couple of brainwashed kiddies out in the carpark singing along to christian rock songs - but it's even more worrying to read about this organisation's "Schools Support Team" on their website:
"Working directly with Education Queensland and the Department of Family Services, our passionate and growing team of young, inspirational leaders are providing mentoring, life skills and leadership development programmes along with specialised assitance for troubled kids and families in crisis."
'Streets of Gold' is on show until 11 May, admission is free. The Gold Coast City Art Gallery (135 Bundall Road, Surfers Paradise) is open Monday to Friday from 10 - 5 pm, and Weekends and public holidays from 11 - 5 pm.
Here's an excerpt from John Larkins and Bruce Howard's book - 'Australian
Pubs' (1973) which may inspire you to go and see this exhibition. By the way,
up yours Kevvie and your uptight, prohibitionist, hypocrite square and god bothering
point of view:
"Down the coast
Surfers Paradise, jug country. Glug-glug, and back in the bloody queue again. The sun presses down on the bare backs in the beer garden.
"For Christ's sake!" says the heavy-breasted blonde, "if you weak bastards won't pour it, I will. We don't want the bloody stuff to boil."
It's fast work, drinking beer in jug country. The higher the sun rises, the faster they pour. Nothing worse than warm beer. ("Makes you chunder.") Nevertheless, the last glass from the jug always tastes like warm tea. The Gold Coast is vintage, vulgar Australian boozing territory. It is an overrated, tatty, glossy strip of sunshine. After a few days, boring, monotonous, and sordid if you want it that way.
The pub's the only saviour. And the big beer garden at the Surfers Paradise Hotel, in particular. Sit back and study the mob, pairs of girls, pairs of boys; pick-ups are always imminent, and the Country and Western group's not half bad.
QUEUE FOR JUGS HERE.
"Your turn, mate."
"Hell, not again."
If you want a girl, take a jug to her table. But watch out. Like as not, she'll put you under the table (and you won't be in any state to grope at her thighs).
Two big bikinied brunettes came in from the beach at eleven, a hamburger each at noon, and they were on their eighth jug by mid-afternoon. Their unsuccessful seducers had long since faded away, glassy-eyed. The girls left at four. ("Need a lie down. Full up to here. When I walk I feel like a bloody washing machine.") Their gaze was a trifle fixed, but they were steady on their feet.
What boozers! You felt like clapping.
(Around the pool at the Chevron, across the way, the same ritual is being carried out in a more respectable manner. The well-to-do laze around the garden, cigars, swollen stomachs, oiled, flabby thighs. The occasional beauty. The waitress swishes past in a ground-length printed cotton and a dozen pairs of male eyes turn.)
Dusk at last. The best pub's at Southport. But, what the hell. let's stick to Surfers. Tonight might be the night for the grand adventure. Or maybe tomorrow night.
The youngsters stream into the Skyline Lounge at the Chevron where the big groups play. In the shadows, near the ticket box, a policeman waits, peering into faces and alert for the under twenty-one drinkers.
It's the hunting hour. At the Surfers Paradise Hotel, the mid-twenties and thirties gather, the single and not-so-single, but who gives a damn about that. Eyes meet, look away, the big come-on, the sharply whispered: "Go away, I'm waiting for someone else." Oh, she doesn't know that someone else's name yet (she probably never will). But she's hoping against hope for the handsome stranger, the James Bond, the one who will whisk her away for a night of bodily contact. And on the beach tomorrow, their eyes will meet in daylight, and they will both look away. It will be all forgotten.
On your way south a few days later, you come upon the Coolangatta Hotel, the only really charming one on this desperate strip of coastline. Facing one street is a narrow little country pub, barely wider than the car parked outside. The locals are here, overalls and the like, calm and chatting. Walk up a lane beside the little pub and you discover that the Coolangatta Hotel has a severe split personality. Suddenly the country pub bursts into a splended resort hotel. But unspoiled, not the least big vulgar. A good cut of a pub."
And The Big Men Fly
If you went down to the Labrador Shopping centre this afternoon [26/4/08], you may have noticed that there was some activity at the footy field out the back. That would have been the clash between the Labrador Tigers and the Mt Gravatt Vultures at the Tigers' home field.
It was a fast and furious game but Mt Gravatt were the better team on the day - intercepting the ball with well rehearsed finesse.
There was plenty of biffo, and the gents spent a lot of time scrabbling about for the ball, but moments of sheer physical brilliance were a sight to behold!
If verbal abuse from the hill was fuel, Labrador would have stormed home with a half tank to spare. The fake whistle in the first quarter and the sledging of Darryl White were as well intentioned as a cry of "lolly legs", but, unfortunately for the Tigers, support can only take a team so far. Mt Gravatt had the better handling skill and managed to pot just a few more than the Tigers did on the day.
The final score was 18-15-123 Mt Gravatt to Labrador 12-6-78. If Labrador had played as well in the middle two quarters as they did in the first and final it would have been their game, but the second quarter was a joke and the third quarter was not much better.
Mt Gravatt simply played to free men throughout the game, while Labrador
bunched up and kicked aimlessly hoping for breaks. To be fair, Labrador had
a fair few near misses at goal and also a couple of unfortunate breaks, but
overall the visitors deserved their win.
Brisbane's City Hall Sinks
Last night Brisbane's City Hall disappeared forever - sucked beneath the streets on which it stands.
Eyewitness, Miss Onscene, who was walking past City Hall at the time, said she heard a loud bang, then watched in shock as the classical revival building crumbled and gradually disappeared into a big hole in the ground.
"It was like that Hollywood blockbuster," she said.
"I can't remember the name - but it was so dramatic - just like sitting in the cinema. In fact I'd give it 4 out of 5."
Historian Professor Oldphart said the disappearance of City Hall indicates that it should have been built at Petrie Bight rather than upon a swamp.
"They probably shouldn't have demolished the Wheat Creek Culvert either."
But Heritage Expert Mr Compromisemyintegrity said that any expert who questions the Government is doomed.
"I have a good feeling about this," he said.
The City Hall Leader also remained unconcerned.
"I don't like smelly old buildings." he said.
"We'll probably look at building a new City Hall on the same spot. Something classy, with a huge pokey out awning and big balls out the front, plenty of security guards and survellience cameras. In the meantime we'll use one of our other beautifully designed buildings."
Brisbane's Temporary City Hall? A big bloody monstrosity that's more grey than green!
In related news, did you know that there was an oil pipeline from Moonie to Lytton? And that they make more than just dog food at Murarrie?
Anzac Day Jelly Wrestling
Hot pussy at the Runaway Bay Hotel
Canoe Flotilla - Save The Mary River Media Release: 24/4/08
Canoeists and kayakers will converge on the Mary River this Sunday [27/4/08] to mark the second anniversary of the announcement of the highly controversial proposal to dam the Mary River at Traveston Crossing.
Their canoe "Flotilla" will follow the route of that led by Greens leader Bob Brown when he helped bring the proposed Mary Dam into the national spotlight almost two years back.
This time, they'll be joined by Murray/Darling kayaker Steve Posselt who has attracted his own media coverage as he paddles his "Don't Murray the Mary" message on a 29-day trip that encompasses the entire length of the Mary.
Save the Mary River's Glenda Pickersgill said the ripples of opposition had spread well outside the Mary Valley since Premier Peter Beattie's shock announcement in April 2006.
"This has squarely become a national issue," she said. "At a time when dams all around the country have been letting us down, and with the finger pointed squarely at Climate Change, our state government opted for another dam."
"Since then, they've thumbed their nose at the possibility that Peter Garrett won't approve this dam. They're hoping if they press on far enough, he'll feel obliged to give it the nod."
"Even then," she points out, " the Franklin Dam was stopped after construction was actually commenced."
"The people of the Mary Valley have had two years of a relentless and orchestrated campaign of glossy brochures that the dam is going ahead. But it has only made us more determined to fight for the river and the endangered species it is home to."
The "Flotilla" celebrates the fighting spirit of all those involved. All participants are asked to bring their glossy brochures to the "bull-fire" on the bank at Traveston Crossing and to adjourn afterwards to Kandanga Hall for food and entertainment."
Starting point is at 1865 Mary Valley Road, just north of Kandanga. Launching time is 9am but gates open at 7.30 and be early to get unloaded and in the water on time.
For registration, or further details phone 07 54 843 150 , mobile 0411443589 or visit www.savethemaryriver.com
For those confined to the land, the "Flotilla" will converge on Traveston Crossing Bridge at around 11.30 am.
Things I Miss About Brisbane (No. 1)
Scoffing a "No No's" falafel down at Bancroft Park, Kelvin Grove -something only real Brisbaneites will appreciate!
Aussie Sheilas P*sshead Boombahs: Survey
A recent survey has revealed that 15,000 'Women's Monthly' readers represent all Australian women, and that they are p*sshead boombahs.
Sixteen percent (i.e. most Australian women) drink themselves into a stupor every night, whereas one in five are raving alcoholics. Some of the women surveyed won't even eat their vegetables and wish their husbands would die.
"Many of them are such boombahs, they can't look in the mirror lest it crack," said 'Women's Monthly' editor Ms Rose Butt.
"Did you know Brisbane's Lord Mayor REFUSED to talk to the 'Courier-Mail' because he was too busy making eyes at Kevvie?" she added.
The survey concluded that cosmetic surgery should be less expensive so Australian women can start looking in the mirror again, and that a News Ltd. story should always contain glaring contradictions, inconsistencies and mixed messages.
The fact that publications such as 'Women's Monthly' promote anxiety about body image and reinforce the patriarchy was not addressed in the survey.
Don't you just love the useful items politicians
put in your letter box?
Cold Toast Voluntary Voting Trial A Success
State funding of political parties...now that's a real hot potato!
"Hot potato, hot potato, (Hot potato, hot potato)
Hot potato, Hot potato, potato, potato, potato...potato
Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti, (Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti)
Cold spaghetti, cold spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti...spaghetti
Ooh, ticky ticky ticky, Ooh ticky ticky ticky, Give me that, give me that, give
me that food
Ooh ticky ticky ticky, Ooh ticky ticky ticky, give me that, give me that, give
me that food
Mashed banana, mashed banana, (Mashed banana, mashed banana)
Mashed banana, mashed banana, banana, banana, banana,...banana"
'Hot Potato', The Wiggles, 2000
Politicians at all levels of Government throughout Queerland have unanimously applauded last month's voluntary voting trial on Queerland's Cold Toast.
Mayor Marathon was so pleased that 50,000 residents didn't vote in the local election that he wrote a letter to Minister Rabbit about it.
"I know you like carrots," he wrote.
"But I'm sending you a hot potato, and you know where you can stick your $2 million."
Councillor Thanksalot said that the voluntary voting trial was an experiment in winding back democracy, while Councillor Bo Peep suggested a survey.
Minister Rabbit is expected to debate the issue with a couple of academic eggheads on that Friday night show on the ABC, and then the issue will go away.
The Queerland capital also held a successful voluntary voting trial during
the by-election last year when 10,000 residents didn't vote.
Gladstone Sets International Standard For Global Warming Best Practice
Gladstone... International Beacon For Global Warming
Gladstone will set the standard for green cities around the world after the Minister for Plastic Bags and Tokenism signed off on an Emissions Increase Study for the town.
"But if I work all day on the blue sky mine (there'll be food on the table tonight), and if I walk up and down on the blue sky mine (there'll be pay in your pocket tonight)," he sang, jumping around with his arms flailing about.
"And some have sailed from a distant shore (and the company takes what the company wants), and nothing's as precious, as a hole in the ground," he added.
The Minister..."Who's gonna save me?"
Captain Bligh agreed that this was a momentous decision as it relates to global warming.
"Look, I've crossed the high seas and been to China and India. I'm sure all Queerlanders will appreciate we need to spend $500 million to help with this important green infrastructure, rather than pay our nurses and teachers properly," she said.
Large piles of cocaine being prepared for tonight's Earth Day celebrations in Gladstone
In related news, Australia just got a lot bigger and has gas.
At least someone at Hope Island has a sense of humour!
Under Western Skies
"(I know that) There are many ways
(To live there) In the sun or shade
(Together) We will find a place
(To settle) Where there's so much space
(Without rush) And the pace back east
(The hustling) Rustling just to feed
(I know I'm) Ready to leave too
(So that's what) We are gonna do
(What we're gonna do is
Go West) Life is peaceful there
(Go West) There in the open air
(Go West) Where the skies are blue
(Go West) This is what we're gonna do"
'Go West', the 'Village People' - 1979 (covered by the Pet
Shop Boys in 1993)
'Spring Hill Voice' had cause to travel west to Charleville last week.
This tiny, outback township was in the news at the beginning of this year during the January floods, and more recently last month when Western Exporters (the local goat abattoir) faced closure due to work visa regulations.
The Charleville Museum by night, and some street sculpture
Things were pretty quiet last week. The proprietor of the Motel where we stayed said it was the first time he'd put up the 'Vacancy' sign in the last couple of months, and he was looking forward to a peaceful night watching the footy. Around these parts the tourist season begins in April and runs through to September, but since January, he's been run off his feet accommodating the influx of workers to the town following the floods.
Early morning under an endless blue sky
Yet the drama that unfolded at the courthouse on Friday afternoon [18/4/08] was more entertaining than anything you'll see at QPAC! The Brisbane Bar was in town for a stoush with Charleville identity and former ATSIC Commissioner Mr Sugar Ray Robinson. The judgment was reserved - but one wonders why the media weren't there to report on the trial! Especially given that since ATSIC has been disbanded, and the Australian Government has embarked on the racist intervention, Charleville - once considered by enlightened folk to be a model for reconciliation - faces an uncertain future.
Charleville Airport and plaque commemorating the commencement of the first commercial air service in Queensland (Charleville to Cloncurry in 1922)
Nevertheless, on the recommendation of a number of locals, we dined at the R.S.L., which has a fascinating collection of wartime ephemera, and the 7.00 o'clock 'Lest We Forget' is presented live!
I had a 'ladies eye fillet' that nearly filled the plate, while the T-Bones of my dining companions overlapped theirs. A huge selection of homecooked side dishes and salads accompanied the meals.
Charleville locals are friendly, but in a very dignified and reserved kind of way. The men wear large hats and stride purposefully to and from their utilities, while Charleville ladies are serene and practical in their classic country attire.
It's a lovely place to be at this time of year.
Anzac Biscuits
From 'Wikipedia':
"ANZAC Biscuits are a snack food most commonly made from the primary ingredients of rolled oats, coconut, and golden syrup.
Many myths surround the origin of the ANZAC Biscuits. One story is that the biscuits were made by Australian and New Zealand women for the Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC) soldiers during World War I, that they were reputedly first called "Soldiers' Biscuits" then renamed "ANZAC Biscuits" after the Gallipoli landing. The recipe was reportedly created to ensure the biscuits would keep well during naval transportation to those fighting overseas. However, those biscuits were shaped more like rock cakes and were made from entirely different ingredients.
Research carried out by Professor Helen Leach, a culinary anthropologist at the University of Otago in New Zealand, revealed that the first time the name "ANZAC" appeared in the name of the biscuit in a recipe book was in 1921. That occurred in the renaming of the "oatmeal biscuit" recipe to "ANZAC crispies", in the ninth edition of the St Andrew's Cookery Book. Subsequent editions renamed this to be "ANZAC Biscuits"."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ANZAC_biscuit
My mother made the best Anzac Biscuits ever. Here's her recipe:
1 tblsp. water, 1/2 cup plain flour, 1/2 cup chopped nuts, 3/4 cup rolled oats, 1 desp. golden syrup, 1/2 cup sugar (brown sugar is good), 1/2 cup coconut, 1 teasp. ground ginger, 2 ozs. shortening/butter, 1/2 teasp. bi-carb soda.
Sift flour into a bowl. Add rolled oats, coconut, sugar, ginger and nuts. Into a saucepan place butter, syrup and water.
Place on stove until butter melts. Add soda and stir until it foams. Add to dry ingredients and mix well. Flatten teasp. quantities on a well greased tin. Bake in a very slow oven.
Sex A Sign Of Things To Come
Surfers Paradise is the latest suburb in South East Queensland to be renamed 'SEX'.
A number of Brisbane suburbs have been renamed 'SEX' over the past year, with the quiet approval of most residents. Only the television show 'Rick Got Boned' made any mention of it.
Newmarket ...briefly renamed "SEX" in July last year.
A 'SEX' sign was recently erected on the Gold Coast's glitter strip, prompting politicians and local business people to express their faux outrage in today's [16/4/08] 'Bullshittin' newspaper.
"This will surely scare the tourists away," said local councillor Mr Willy Flopt.
"You can't call Surfers Paradise 'SEX' - I mean, what's the world coming to?"
But Mr Dick Throbbin from the Advanced Penis Institute disagreed.
"Renaming Surfers Paradise 'SEX', can only attract more tourists. Ideally, we'd like every suburb to be renamed 'SEX', but we have to be realistic about these things. I'm just happy to have everybody thinking about stiffies."
Gold Coast businesswoman and mother of two, Cecily Bowtocks-Plastictits, was unconcerned about the appropriateness of Surfers Paradise being renamed 'SEX'.
"In this day and age, it's especially important that families are constantly bombarded with a variety of messages regarding male sexuality - it has to be in your face," she said.
"How do you think I got this 4WD?"
Steve Posselt Continues on his Murray…. No, Mary…. Way
Murray-Darling kayaker Steve Posselt again took to the waters last Saturday [12/4/08]. Launching from West End in Brisbane, he began what will be a 29 day paddle up the Brisbane and Stanley Rivers, down the Mary River, returning to Brisbane via the Great Sandy Straits in the lee of Fraser Island.
The trip, dubbed "Don't Murray the Mary" is to focus attention on the unwillingness of both the Queensland Government and the Queensland Water Commission to examine alternatives to the Traveston Crossing Dam.
Recently the Water Commission released its fifty year plan for water for south-east Queensland but it began with Traveston Dam, both Stage one and Stage Two as givens, even though they have yet to receive the necessary federal environment approvals.
The plan then places Traveston and Wyaralong as the last dams to be built in the south-east corner before becoming more reliant on sources like desalination. Steve is no newcomer to the water industry having spent more than three decades as a water engineer and is a Past President of the Australian Water Association.
He was farewelled on his kayak epic by a crowd of well-wishers, many from the Mary Valley as well as members of the Gubbi Gubbi people led by Dr Eve Fesl, who have refused to accept what they dub a "state government bribe" to relinquish native title claims over the area.
Democrat Senator Andrew Bartlett, who was part of last year's Senate Inquiry that found that the dam should not go ahead, spoke both eloquently and passionately against the proposal before launching Steve on his way.
It will be almost a week before Steve will manually tow his kayak up the steep slopes of the Conondale Ranges that separate the Stanley and Mary catchments and descend to enter the Mary River near Conondale in the Sunshine Coast hinterland.
Steve plans to be at Traveston Crossing on Sunday April 27 to be part of
a canoe "floatilla" to mark the second anniversary of the dam announcement.
Mens Mag Runs Win-A-White-Men-Rule Competition
"When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl
When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth but pearl
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl"
'I Enjoy Being A Girl', from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical 'Flower Drum Song', 1959. Made famous by Doris Day and parodied by Rosanne Barr and Sarah Jessica Parker
Men's magazine 'Screw Weekly' has prompted a mass outbreak of yawning throughout Australia.
'Screw Weekly' have invited men to write in and explain why they rule the world, and why they want to dump their wives.
"The best entry will win top shelf legal representation so they can dump their fat, ungrateful and useless wives and avoid paying child support," said 'Screw Weekly' editor Mr Pin Dick.
The lucky winner, who will most likely be an egotistical pig and therefore incapable of courting and seducing another woman, will also win a years worth of visits to a brothel, plus their choice of trafficked women to root.
When asked whether he thought the competition was unethical or in poor taste, Mr Dick said, "Why didn't your husband enter you in our tit job competition?"
"Take a look around girly, this competition symbolises how far our society has progressed, and we all know women are conniving b*tches, who trap us into marrying them, then sleep with our best friends," he added.
Dr Misogynist from the University for the Free World said, "Feminism has gone too far in this country, and competitions like these are a healthy way of redressing the glaring imbalance in our society."
Prime Minister Kevin said the recent appointment of a girl Governer-General illustrates that Australia is an equal society where girls can be whatever they want.
I looked around and saw Germaine Greer living in London!
I don't know - but it sure does stink - literally and figuratively!
Journeys Down Under
An exhibition currently on show at the Museum of Brisbane gives a fascinating insight into the sea voyages taken by immigrants to Australia over the last couple of centuries.
Journal extracts, photographs, film footage and random reminiscences from the early days of assisted immigration until the late 1970s, paint a colourful picture of the hardships - and excitement - of travelling on the open ocean, visiting exotic ports, and dealing with officious Customs officials.
We had a look at the exhibition on Friday afternoon [11/4/08], and found it to be very popular - one can only assume this is because of its universal relevance.
One of my distant relatives (Lindsay Titmarsh) has published a family history - 'Tandora: A Pioneer's Dream', which contains a harrowing account of the voyage his Grandmother - Janet Alexander Titmarsh (Adams) - made from Scotland to Moreton Bay on the ship John Fielden in 1853. She was six when the family voyaged to Australia. Here's an exerpt from her memoirs written four years before she passed away:
"We had two births: the first they called after the ship, "John Fielden" and the other one was smothered by his mother. The husband had been working in the hold and procured some rum, the mother apparently went to sleep drunk. In the night my mother heard a noise and tried to wake her but she was like a log and had laid down fully dressed and had turned over on the baby - it was very young; she had only came down from the hospital. Next morning a rough sailor came down with a piece of canvas and some stones and put the poor little thing in and sewed the canvas. He put the stones at the bottom of the canvas and then dropped it into the sea. The ships people found that the man had been broaching (breaking into in order to take something out) everything in the hold so they appointed fresh people to go into the hold. There were other deaths - two children. We were distressed when the first one was thrown over and it would not sink and it floated near the ship, we could see it all the time. One woman died one night at the time of a storm; she was in the hospital awaiting her confinement."
My own historical research into the history of a particular street in Spring Hill led me to search for information about the immigrant ship the "America", which arrived in Moreton Bay in 1853. On the 17 January, 1853, 'The Courier Mail' reported that the voyage of the "America" which sailed from Liverpool on 27 August 1852, had been a tedious passage of 135 days. There were 12 births and 14 deaths on the passage. Several cases of diarrhea and of scarlatina (fever) were reported and some of the 325 immigrants and crew had been very insubordinate towards the Captain. The Surgeon Superintendent of this vessel was said to have been suffering from indisposition, precipitated by the scarcity of provisions.
This excerpt from a letter to the Editor of 'The Moreton Bay Courier' and Northern Districts General Advertiser of Brisbane Saturday March 5, 1853 gives insight into the appalling conditions on-board:
"SIR - (Log Extracts) - About Sept 17th Mrs Mahoney was taken in childbirth. She informed the doctor that she expected to be immediately confined, when the Doctor told her that if she were not confined in the minutes after her admission into the hospital, she would be locked up until morning. She was not delivered but was locked up -- no one to attend her. The husband walked the deck all night -could not render her any assistance. The child was born, and lived a few hours. When it was dying the doctor came and bathed it; but alas it was dead, as everybody knew. Through the ill effects of her confinement this unfortunate woman, in about 11 weeks died of pure want. The medical comforts were denied her; she only having 1 pint of porter during her whole sickness (which did her the world of good). The provisions were such as she could not take, and the medical comforts were denied her. The husband, now a widower with seven children - four of them very small ones - is left to make his way as best he can in a strange country. In consequence of the loss of the bedding, which was thrown overboard, he had to sleep 11 weeks on a seat 11 inches wide from which he fell several times, owing to the rocking of the vessel.
J. RILEY *"
* John Riley, 28 and his wife Margaret, 22 were assisted immigrants on the
"America".
'Destination Australia: Ports of Immigration' is a travelling exhibition and was developed by the Immigration Museum, Museum Victoria. It's on show at the Museum of Brisbane, City Hall, until 22 June.
Agreed. And watch the bartender do "head on the side" when you request him not to roll it. Anyway, after all those horrid political billboards, this is the best advertisement I've seen in a while! (Kelvin Grove Road - 12/4/08)
Welcome To Queerland, Where The Separation Of Powers Is Just A Catchy Slogan
Minister Judy lashed out at Queerland's legal system this week after yet another sex offender went for a beer.
"This judiciary is obviously out of touch with Bowen Hills," she said.
"Who do they think they are? In this state, if you do the time you must then face the consequences of living in a mono-media town i.e. no beer, ankle bracelets and 24 hour monitoring."
Minister Judy...follow the yellow brick road...
When asked about the sex offenders who in the past have abused childen in Queerland institutions, and former State MPs who are convicted pedophiles, the Minister was adamant only certain individuals would be persecuted.
"What's your problem? It's all about who is an easy target and who isn't, and the point is that wards of the state are put up in nice hotels now," she said.
"Anyway, we are above the law and once the citizens of Queerland are comfortable about that, they won't blink when everyone's fitted with an ankle bracelet. Luckily, I'm here to help Bowen Hills attack crazy judges who seem to think that the judiciary is supposed to be somehow independent of our well orchestrated agenda. Well if they hate freedom, democracy and the rule of law that much, I'll just pass new laws to take away their judgmental powers, harumph."
She clicked her well-heeled heels three times and snapped over her shoulder: "Joh didn't even understand the concept of the separation of powers and how it protects a parliamentary democracy from corporatised corrupting influences. Well we do! Look out you judges!"
In related news, Bowen Hills has completely forgotten that the main reason for the remediation of the giant Newstead gasworks site was the huge James Hardie asbestos works. How forgetful! After all, it was the largest asbestos removal in the Southern Hemisphere.
A memorial to those harmed in Queensland Institutions during their childhood - recently moved back to Roma Street after a couple of years in Cathedral Square.
Gold Coast Bad Dudes Meet Their Match
Detective Mike Georgiou...Gee I hope I can find that taser!
Characters from the hit Australian television series - 'Cop Shop' - have been recruited to help out with the Gold Coast's bad dudes i.e. hoons, hooligans, hevs and the homeless.
Evidently bad dudes are so bad, Minister Judy has said the Gold Coast is now the bad dude capital of Australia.
"Some day I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemondrops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me..." she said.
Minister Judy..."There's no place like home...there's no place like home...there's no place like home..."
"But seriously, the number of bad dudes has increased to the point where we need to show we are doing something, and I'm sure Detective Mike Georgiou will know what to do."
Things are really bad at Berlei Heads because of the homeless bad dudes, who should know better than to drink and yell at judgmental rich people.
"Around here we like to go to beddy byes by 10 pm every night, and we certainly don't want our delicate sensibilities offended," said the local Councillor, who looks like a brassiere.
Berlei's Councillor..."More Police Stations please."
Minister Judy agreed.
"If happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can't I?" she sang.
"Oh, sorry about that, yes, we need to spend millions of dollars on more police stations, not compassionate social infrastructure. Anyway, I'm sure Constable Amanda King and Detective Danni Francis will know what to do."
Constable Amanda King and Detective Danni Francis...from Riverside Police Station to the Gold Coast.
Australia Prepares Itself For Olympic Torch
Olympic Torch Aussie Style
Protests against China's crackdown in Tibet throughout the European leg of the Olympic torch rally have prompted the Australian marketing organisers of the Olympic spectacle to come up with an innovative solution when the torch reaches our shores.
"On April 24, we think it would be best if Ian Thorpe, Jodie Henry, Petria Thomas, Marjorie Jackson-Nelson and Ron Clarke just run on a treadmill, which we plan to set up in a specially designed studio within the Chinese Embassy," said an AOC spokesperson.
"We will commission one of our underemployed filmakers to produce a montage of Canberra scenery, which will be screened behind the heroic Icons on the treadmill. We could also use old APEC footage of over-zealous, steroid-fuelled Federal and State Police bashing up non-violent protesters, tearing down their posters and generally intimidating careless citizens, and splice it in for the media package. They'll screen it unquestioningly and that should have the same effect."
Speaking from his whirlwind world tour, Prime Minister Kevin said it was a good idea.
"People need to realise that the Olympics is not about human rights and freedom, it's about money, power, jingoism and keeping the mono-media agenda front and centre, as we in the PR business say," he said.
Kevin..."Why is News Ltd. picking on my wife?"
Trust Me - The Deal Has Been Done
The National Trust of Queensland are asking folks to sign their Petition - "Say No to North Bank!":
"To the Honourable Premier of Queensland
Your petitioners respectfully request that:
The Queensland Government does not proceed with the current North Bank proposal because of its impact on the Brisbane River and the City of Brisbane.
The National Trust of Queensland is strongly opposed to North Bank.
The proposal to construct a set of tall buildings, extending 90 metres into the Brisbane River, will have a substantial impact on the river and its flows. Being adjacent to the important William and George Street precincts of the CBD and opposite South Bank, it will also have a substantial impact on the cityscape of Brisbane.
North Bank is located where the Queen's Wharf was situated during Brisbane's convict period, and this is the point from which this City grew. Proceeding with this development will make this location of the founding of Brisbane unrecognisable.
The proposal will substantially diminish views to and from the significant precincts of early buildings along William and George Streets, which extends from Parliament House through to the Treasury (Casino) Building.
The National Trust supports innovative and thoughtful development that creates the heritage of our time, while respecting the important historical layers that contribute to a city's character and distinctiveness. This proposal does not exhibit the qualities that the National Trust is prepared to support."
http://www.nationaltrustqld.org/campaign/petitionNORTHBANK.php
There can be no doubt that the North Bank development is ridiculous, but what about the selling off of Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary? I doubt you'll see any National Trust online petitions against that!
FYI, in 1976, the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary was gifted in deed of trust to the people of Queensland by Alexander Morris Griffiths. He requested the sanctuary be controlled by the National Trust:
"The Sanctuary should be preserved and continued in perpetuity, or so long a period as the circumstance shall allow, for the benefit, welfare and education of Queenslanders and other persons generally."
Forty hectares is a lot of "ker ching!", when you divide it into ten four hectare lots!
In any case, online petitions never accomplish anything, unless you're aggregating data about your political opponents!
Invention Uproar
Skipstix...Patently obvious
Controversy surrounding the invention of a new eating implement publicised on Radio Rupert's hit television show 'Extreme Invention', is threatening to ruin the livelihood of a number of other inventors who claim to have invented other useless items.
The modified chopsticks, known as "Skipstix", allow clumsy westerners to eat Chinese food without feeling inferior.
"You can even wear high heels," said entrepreneur Miss Tout.
"I'm not sure why this invention appeared on 'Extreme Invention' when I have already invented it."
Miss Tout's product - "Forkface" - has been available in Chinese restaurants for the past two years.
"It's not fair!" she said, stamping her high heels into the mud.
Restaurateur Mr X would not be drawn on the controversy, or whether he would now use "Skipstix" in his restaurant rather than "Forkface".
"Look, 'Forkface', I'll probably go back to standard cutlery," he said.
Factory Regulars To Appear At Warhol Closing Night Party
Warhol...Grand entrance at closing night party?
Mick Jagger, Lou Reed and Bob Dylan are some of the big stars rumoured to be appearing at the Warhol exhibition closing night party in Brisbane at the end of next week [11/4/08].
Anita Pallenberg, Nico, Edie Sedgwick and Ultra Violet will also be there, and have promised not to take their drinks anywhere near the artwork.
The "15 Minutes of Fame" celebration will feature Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground performing 'Walk On the Wild Side', while Holly Woodlawn, Candy Darling, Joe Dallesandro, Jackie Curtis and Joe Campbell dance around and interact with the audience.
The decadent evening will be just like a party at the Factory, climaxing with plenty of drugs and an orgy. The man himself is expected to fly in from New York on the night to watch and film proceedings, before Valerie Solanas bursts in and tries to shoot him for purloining one of her scripts.
It is rumoured that Pablo Picasso declined an invitation to the event because he is too busy finishing the paintings for his exhibition, which begins in June.
Picasso...too busy, "I wouldn't be seen dead at that man's party."
What Went Down At The Helensvale Post Office?
On pain of death, 'Spring Hill Voice' went to Westfield at Helensvale today [5/4/08]. On leaving this hell on earth after a necessary trip to Optus World, we saw three specialist Queensland Fire and Rescue vehicles (one was a "Scientific Unit") parked at the front of the cordoned off Post Office.
In this age of terror, surely such an occurence will be widely
reported?
Aussie Larrikins On The Verge Of Extinction
A research project undertaken by the Centre for Cultural Commodification at Brisbane's University of the Dominant Paradigm has revealed that the Larrikinus Australis, or Aussie Larrikin, is verging on extinction.
Project leader and PhD candidate Barry Bland said that sightings of the Aussie Larrikin had significantly diminished over the past couple of decades, and this could be explained by a number of factors.
"During the course of our one year study, we surveyed their usual habitats - such as pubs and sporting grounds - and found that environmental conditions had deteriorated to the point where these places are stifling the full expression of the species," said Mr Bland.
"The Aussie Larrikin has an aversion to overweight security guards with earpieces, draconian rules, poncy dress codes, and light beer in plastic cups."
There are a variety of Aussie Larrikins, with the prankster, the wolfwhistler, the sardonic, the smartarse, and the loudmouth oaf the more common of the species. They are naturally spontaneous creatures and therefore especially vulnerable to creeping fascism. Other more recent threats to Aussie Larrikins include the court system, which would have previously dismissed a charge relating to acting like a d*ckhead.
In a recent hearing on the Cold Toast, an Aussie Larrikin was fined an excessive amount for racing onto the football field during a game at Shill Stadium. In presenting her judgment, the Beak said that unquestioning obedience was the key to enjoying a night at the pub or an afternoon at the football or cricket.
"Call me politically incorrect, but I'd be happy if every single Aussie Larrikin disappeared off the face of the planet," said co-owner of the Nationalist League Con Sentmanufactured.
"Everybody knows sport today is about making money, you know, bread and circuses - buying a ticket, buying "merch" and buying expensive light beer and sh*tty food. These Aussie Larrikins refuse to behave themselves and consume. For some reason they can't help acting the fool, so they are not welcome anymore."
Indeed, cricketing sensation "Monkey Boy" made that abundantly clear when he used excessive force to tackle an especially uncommon variety of Aussie Larrikin known as "The Streaker" during the last utterly enthralling summer of cricket.
But Mr Bland said that although the Aussie Larrikin faces an uncertain future, he refuses to give up hope.
"If you're very lucky, you might hear the call of a very
rare Irreverent Radio Announcer if you tune your radio at the right time,"
he said.
Porn King Buys Brisbane Student Magazine
In a surprise move, porn king Hugh Hefty has purchased Queerland University student magazine 'Simper'.
It is understood Hefty was so impressed by 'Simper's' new editorial style that he couldn't resist giving them a hand - although he has promised not to interfere too much.
"I'll oversee operations from the Pay Joy mansion, and give some suggestions now and then, but from what I have seen, they won't need much of my help!" he said.
"I've said to the boys, my only rule is that they have an academic themed centrefold every edition and perhaps a competition - such as "PhD student with the best rack". This will be the opportunity of a lifetime for these girls, and a way for them to show off all that expensive plastic surgery," he said.
Queerland University administration have expressed their support for the new ownership arrangements.
A statement released by University Vice Chancellor Dolores In-myeyes said, "This new ownership arrangement can only be mutually beneficial. Going forward. Affirmative action is soooooo yesterday, and progressive politics are certainly not the kind of image the University of Queerland wants to be associated with."
Former editors and journalists who worked on 'Simper' throughout it's long, radical history are expected to sit on their well padded, financially secure a*ses and say nothing.
The Gold Coast sperm bank have suggested that the w*nkers currently running
'Simper' might like to take a trip down the M1, as they are currently suffering
dire shortages.
A Trip To Little Nerang Dam
Last week 'Spring Hill Voice's' roving reporters took a spin out to the Gold Coast's Little Nerang Dam. We arrived at twenty to four with the intention of taking a spin up to the dam wall. (On a previous visit to the Little Nerang Dam we arrived after four and the gate was closed-the signs tell us that the gates close at 4pm.) Funnily enough, the gate was closed on this visit too!
Undeterred, we walked half an hour to the dam wall. Along the road we spotted abundant birdlife, but other than that it was eerily quiet. On reaching the dam wall, we observed plenty of splashing in the reservoir!
It would be a lovely place for a picnic.
The reservoir, the dam wall and the other side.
A sign in the picnic area adjacent to the dam wall states that the Little Nerang Dam is a straight gravity type mass concrete dam, with divided spillway, with two 16.5 m by 3.6 m drumgates with ski-jump dissipator. The dam has a capacity of 8,370 million litres, cost approximately $3,100,000 and was built by day labor in 1962.
The drumgate