SPRING HILL VOICE
Independent And Unfunded Reportage And Commentary From Brisbane And Beyond!

Copywriting, speechwriting, proofreading, editing, research, ghostwriting, investigative satire, media analysis, fabricated sexual memoir, dog walking, english lessons, sychophantic essays for that politically aligned lecturer, speculative reality, truly awful poetry, poetry therapy for the disenfranchised and disillusioned. Contact: spring_hill_voice@hotmail.com

* Media Page *

Tazer Critics Stunned: Literally

The Deal Is Done...the S.S. Zappem with a cargo of tazers headed for the Port of Brisbane

Tazer critics have been literally stunned by reports that a tazer evaluation report hasn't even been drafted.

"I am stunned," said a civil libertarian.

Tazers are currently in use throughout Queensland, and large shipments continue to arrive at the Port of Brisbane - the latest on the special Tazer ship the S.S. Zappem.

The Captain of the S.S. Zappem..."Even though I may look like a pirate, I'm not"

Captain of the S.S. Zappem said the trade in arms was a lucrative one, with the added benefit of terrorizing citizens.

"Even though I may look like a pirate, I'm not," he said.

A spokesperson from Tazers R Us, who are supplying the Tazers to Queensland said it was the first he'd heard of any trial.

"When the orders were place two years ago, they were firm and locked in," he said.

"In any case, we design all our products with the citizen's best interests at heart."

The government anticipates that there will be one tazer for every man, woman and child in Queensland, and two tazers for critics including civil libertarians.

"I am stunned," said the civil libertarian again.

EXCLUSIVE!! NEGATIVE REVIEW OF BAZ LUHRMANN FILM 'AUSTRALIA'!

Australia

In a world first, 'Spring Hill Voice' gives a negative review of the cliche riddled, boring, jingoistic, revisionist, w*nky, neo-liberal, far-too-long and (worst of all) Murdoch owned rubbish that is the film 'Australia'.

It is understood that every other media outlet will give it great reviews and that hundreds of mindless clowns will be filmed in the next few days queuing up to be 'the first' to pay to see it. Those queues will be our news fodder for a day or so and then, much like the confected Kreepy Kreemes story, nobody else will really bother with it. That's Business Folks!

Our film critic, Ms Candi Handheldcam, was not invited to the exclusive first night viewing and red carpetting of Sydney's "A" list.

"Unfortunately my Limited News/Murdoch/Fox/Tourism/Government lanyard hadn't arrived in time so I must not have been invited. But on the bright side, a friend of mine is a minor functionary at one of Sydney's least reputable tabloids, and because she wears short skirts and high heels around the office she got a VIP lanyard and filmed the whole thing for me on her phone," she said.

"It is garbage!" she critiqued.

'Australia' will be released, along with 30,000 rabbits carrying calicivirus, all over this lucky wide brown sunburnt land I call home this weekend. Check Limited News front pages and ABC headlines and current affairs shows for details.

Jack Thompson plays a grumpy old b*stard.

If you don't feel like giving more money to Rupert Murdoch, and want to know the real story, just borrow Xavier Herbert's classic 'Poor Fellow My Country' from your local library.

When Brisbane Really Was A War Zone

Last Sunday [16/11/08] evening parts of South East Queensland were hit by a large storm - some say it was a tornado. The storm destroyed hundreds of houses and wreaked havoc around Brisbane. One person died. Neighbours have rallied to help each other out, as authorities begin the massive cleanup and repairs.

Brisbane is not a war zone and this loss of perspective is offensive.

This is not to say Brisbane hasn't experienced what it is like to be in a war zone:

From Peter A. Thompson and Robert Macklin's 'The Battle of Brisbane: Australians and the Yanks at War':

"The story behind the Battle of Brisbane has never been told in full. While the vague outlines have been known from a single eight-paragraph report in the 'Courier-Mail' of 27 November 1942, the extent and intensity of the conflict have remained secret. Civil and military authorities on both sides of the Pacific have been content to keep it so, for it reflects little credit on either side. For more than half a century those with access to the truth about what really happened that day were the ones least likely to tell.

The American MP who fired the fatal shots has never been correctly identified in print before and only the barest details have ever been released about his Australian victim.

In fact, eight Australian servicement received gunshot wounds in one climactic day and 11 Americans were injured--one with a fractured skull.

An official inquiry was held in secret. Its findings have never previously been released. The Americans demanded that their men be exonerated. In this, they were successful. And while there can be no doubt that the Australians started the physical clash, the Americans were also at fault. The testimony at the inquiry reveals that an American legal team kept the terms of reference focused totally on the 'riotous behaviour' of the Australians. Norbert J. Grant, the man with the gun, was not even called as a witness, much less questioned about his actions by the Court of Inquiry. An American lawyer simply provided the briefest of statements in his name.

By contrast, three Australian soldiers--Private Roy Michael Cocciardi, Private Richard John Scott and Private Alfred James Osborne--were jailed for up to six months. It is difficult to escape the conclusion that they were scapegoats. The Australian authorities clearly felt that they had to be seen to be cracking down on their own men and the three privates were in the wrong place at the right time.

They were picked up the following day by Queensland police. Private Cocciardi was dubbed a 'ringleader' because at the height of the battle, when by varying estimates between 2,000 and 4,000 troops were involved, he said the unsayable: 'Come and fight, you b*stards. You b*stards, you're not game, you are yellow, you ran away at Milne Bay.' A little later he shouted, 'Why don't you go and fight the Japs instead of our men?'

That earned him imprisonment with hard labour for five months. Civilian police records show Scott and Osborne made the same mistake. On the evidence of a single policeman, Constable Benjamin Frank Neuendorf, Private Scott also accused the Americans of cowardice. 'They ran away at Milne Bay and they will run away again,' he allegedly shouted as Neuendorf tried to pull him away from the fighting. He served 120 days detention."

Everybody Guilty Until Proven Innocent: Consent "Law Reform" Success!

"Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly
With his song..."

'Killing Me Softly with His Song' by Charles Fox and Norman Gimbel [1971]. According to Wikipedia, Lori Lieberman was the first to record 'Killing Me Softly' in 1971, but it became a bigger hit when covered by Roberta Flack in 1973.

Criminal law used to be based on a presumption of innocence, but not anymore as evidence becomes a thing of the past.

Thanks to the Limited News and their parrots at the national broadcaster, sweeping reforms to our legal system are well underway.

The Limited News have displayed due diligence in their efforts to manipulate the vulnerabilities of victims groups to engineer public acceptance of the reforms.

"We don't like the uncertainty of the legal system and have engineered the shifting of the onus of proof to the accused," said one Limited News shill.

"I am a patsy and a tool..BOO...HAIRY SCARY RAPIST....BAH...PEDOPHILE...we just know they're all guilty. Have I scared you yet? We know what's right and they don't deserve a fair trial do they?"

Some key highlights of the new rules include: Where police or journalists believe that a villain is guilty, they will be able to fabricate evidence and the villain will be deemed to be guilty; The villain will now have to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they could not possibly have committed the offence; Alibi evidence will no longer be admissable; Villains who attempt to contest their charges by pleading not guilty will get double the maximum sentence.

The Minister for Crime and Punishment said: "Yes, these are draconian measures but we're tough on crime and enough is enough and it is better that 99 innocent men are jailed than 1 guilty man go free."

And so say all of us.

Queensland Families Eat Dinner: Survey Reveals

A typical Queensland family

Most Queensland families eat dinner, a recent Ponds Institute survey has revealed.

The survey, titled "What's For Tea Mum?", was confected over the last few weeks and found that as well as eating dinner, Queensland families often eat breakfast and lunch as well.

Dr Del Icious from the Ponds Institute said that one of the most startling findings was that sometimes Queensland families even cook their own dinner.

"As well as engaging in cliched activities like fighting for the remote control, and Dad asserting his authority and watching what he wants on television, we also discovered that Queensland families are having dinner later because of work commitments and after-work traffic," she said.

"But the free falling economy and peak oil will soon fix that."

As part of her research, Dr Del Icious has developed the S.B.I. (Spaghetti Bolognaise Index) which measures how much parmesan cheese Queensland families are sprinkling on their spaghetti bolognaise.

"The S.B.I. is utterly useless, just like this story," she said.

S.B.I. (Spaghetti Bolognaise Index)...useless

Take Our P*ssweak Survey: Are You A Queensland Family And Do You Eat Dinner?

"Skirting Around The Issues": Boys Survey

A survey has been undertaken to study the obvious phenomenon that a large proportion of teenage boys and men think it's acceptable to sexually harass and abuse women.

Although Blind Freddy perceives there has been an aggressive increase in the objectification of women and unhealthy promotion of a culture of sexual exploitation and violence in the mainstream media, the report "Skirting Around The Issues" calls for urgent Government-funded violence prevention programs, and the purchase of yet another ribbon for your lapel.

"We have to be very careful how we publicise, oh sorry, I mean create awareness," said "Skirting Around The Issues" author Dr White-Ribbons.

"We don't want to get the mainstream media or the government offside, so that's why we're skirting around the issue - get it?"

It is therefore understood that Australia's involvment in imperialist wars in the Middle East has absolutely nothing to do with the current epidemic of sexual violence. This is despite the fact that when you open a newspaper or switch on the TV, the clear message is that violence and mindless cruelty is the way to prove your supremacy over the world, and women have been placed on this earth to satisfy and pander to a man's every desire.

There is also absolutely no connection between the proliferation of sex shops in our communities, the seemingly infinite number of advertisements for maintaining an erection, the commodification of women's bodies, the acceptance of prostitution as a legitimate profession, psychopathic cruelty to animals and the hero worship of our sporting thugs.

Monkey Business

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how Wall Street works.

What You Can't See Will Hurt You:

Television Media Banned From Gold Coast Water Symposium

Thrown out...Channel 7 interviewing symposium attendees outside the lecture theatre

Bond University security barred television media from entering the Cerum Lecture Theatre at Bond University on the Gold Coast this afternoon [16/11/08] to report on a water symposium.

The symposium was interrupted when a Channel 7 crew were refused access to the lecture theatre. The two hundred symposium attendees went outside the lecture theatre so the media could film them expressing their concerns about the Government's introduction of fluoride and recycled sewage into South East Queensland's drinking water.

The story had a brief mention on Channel 7 and 10's news but neither story mentioned fluoride or the fact that they had been refused entry to the lecture.

The symposium, organised by Gold Coast Water Watch and Citizens Against Drinking Sewage, was facilitated by Aileen Smith, and included a number of speakers from a wide range of professions. The speakers outlined the various concerns they have with the forthcoming introduction of fluoride and recycled sewage into our drinking water. (We'll be drinking and bathing in Sodium Silica Fluoride in early December).

Some of the speakers also gave presentations at a similar forum at Ahimsa House in Brisbane yesterday, which was ignored by the mainstream media. Indeed Ms Smith encouraged attendees to question why the mainstream media appear to be endorsing fluoridation and recycled sewage, and why they have failed to provide adequate coverage of this important issue.

MP for Robina Ray Stevens, said that the Bligh Government was taking a dictatorial attitude to the introduction of recycled sewage and that "they deserve to lose their mandate on this one issue". Mr Stevens also added that the LNP were opposed to putting recycled sewage in drinking catchments, and indicated he was sponsoring a petition. He said that the LNP would allow a referendum on the issue (a broken Labor promise).

Merilyn Haines - a medical scientist and the chair and founder of Queenslanders for Safe Water, Air and Food Inc. - presented a history of fluoridation, gave some general facts on how it is produced (it's industrial waste), plus a rundown of the health and scientific aspects.

"The solution to their pollution is dilution," she said.

Ms Haines also unravelled the talking points and statistics the Queensland Government are using in their current advertising campaign.

She said citizens can minimize their exposure to fluoride by maintaining a healthy diet and installing stainless steel rainwater tanks. Ms Haines also called for for reverse osmosis filters for those who can provide medical certificates (individuals with kidney problems retain more fluoride permanently in their system, whereas healthy people retain about 50%).

"Fluoridation is a crackpot American idea from the 1950s," said Dr Andrew Harms - a dentist and past president of the Australian Dental Association, South Australia Branch.

Dr Harms said the fluoride which is to be introduced into the South East Queensland drinking water is not pharmaceutical grade. Among other elements, it contains arsenic, cadmium, lead and mercury. Searching for a safety study, he said that all he could find was a picture of a drainpipe - which he displayed as part of his powerpoint presentation. There simply isn't a safety study.

Dr Harms debunked the myth that dental decay is caused by a lack of fluoride. As well as questioning statistics being twisted by the Queensland Government as proof of flouride's benefits, Dr Harms said that most childhood dental decay was the result of parents giving their babies sugary drinks, or putting sweeteners on baby bottles and dummies when they put them to bed. He also referred to the Bassin Study which explores the connection between fluoride and osteosarcoma and challenged the Cancer Council to a debate.

"I'd rather fix 100 cavities than have one dead child," he said.

Gold Coast Naturopath Peter Edwards gave a brief talk outlining his opposition to the introduction of recycled sewage into our drinking water.

"It's dead water," he said.

Interestingly, he said he has been treating one of the people who became very sick as a result of participating in the skin cancer vaccine trial, which was given unquestioned coverage in today's mainstream media.

F.Y.I. These countries have fluoridated water: Australia, Ireland, New Zealand and the United States

These don't: Austria, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, Italy, Japan, Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, Switzerland and the United Kingdom.

All have improved their dental health and condition of their citizens' teeth at about the same rate over the last few decades.

http://www.fluoridealert.org

"The side that wins is the side with the most money," Dr Andrew Harms.

Speaking of water, while strolling through the university campus after leaving the symposium, we noticed that the fire pump at the spanking new Mirvac School Of Sustainable Development Building (opened by the Federal Education Minister in August this year) had sprung a bit of a leak and was gushing fresh, unfluoridated drinking water down the drain past the dysfunctional wind turbine sign. The sign explains the turbine in very unenthusiastic terms, essentially calling it a dud.

I Thought He Was A Trade Commissioner Now? Another Deal Done?

"Megan Lost Me The Melbourne Cup": Mister Ed

Mister Ed..."lame and obvious marketing stunt"

A riding crop controversy has emerged in the weeks following this year's Melbourne Cup.

According to star of the hit 1960s television show of the same name - Mister Ed - Megan Gale may have caused him to miss out on a place in the race that stops a nation.

"My riding crop went missing just before the race was about to start and every day there are photos and footage of Megan Gale in the media wielding my riding crop," he whinnied.

"You join the dots," he neighed.

Mister Ed, who is a horse, of course, was trained by Bart Cummings as a special Melbourne Cup project. He said he couldn't understand the mainstream media's fascination with such a lame and obvious marketing stunt.

"It seems the only people interested in this riding crop business are the misogynist perverts who control the mainstream media," he snorted.

"In any case, I could have won. Give me a sugar cube you weirdo."

The Gecko Poem

where have all the geckos gone?
last year there were so many
yet I cast my eye across the ceiling
and now there are hardly any

an occasional mishap
involving toaster or sliding door
does not explain the drop in numbers
there really should be more

have they succumbed to global warming?
or maybe to the cat
could it be when venturing outside
they've been eaten by a bat?

how I miss my gecko mates
their late night chirruping and their little poos
but they have all deserted me
and now I have the blues

for once I wrote stirring poetry
honouring sporting kings
but at least I haven't resorted to
writing about tim tams of all things

Concern Rages Over Brisbane Character Housing

"And everyday the tides are higher, the coral's whiter, the water's coming to our knees.
It's hard not to blame those honky b*stards burning all the fossils in their S.U.V.s"

'The S.U.V. Song', Dan Kelly and the Ukeladies [2008]

The inner city suburb of Spring Hill...hotbed of character housing

Brisbane still has some character housing, which is causing concern among a growing list of built environment experts.

According to Professor Dick Developit from the Centre for Pokey Out Awnings at the Ponds Institute, Brisbane needs to do more if it is going to obliterate the vestiges of its character housing.

"Not enough is being done to develop more poorly designed, haphazardly constructed and visually offensive buildings with pokey out awnings in Kelvin Grove, Dutton Park, Indooroopilly and Toowong," he said.

"In fact my wife noticed a small pocket of character housing while speeding along Bradley Street, Spring Hill in her Prado after collecting the children from school," he said.

Professor Dick Developit said terrace houses were historically a quintessentially Sydneyesque architectural phenomenon.

The experts all agreed that in terms of economic growth going forward, 1000s of people are going to move to Brisbane over the next few years, and there will be nowhere for them to live even though there are countless empty and overpriced apartments all around town.

"There is no money in leaving things the way they are," said Ms Bessie Block from the Urbane Disaster Association of Australia.

"We must rid the Brisbane landscape of this character housing scourge once and for all."

PM Arrives At G20:

"Hello, I'm Kevin, I'm From Queensland And I'm Here To Help...Oh, I See Rupert's Already Here..."

News Limited reports the PM's visit to the lame duck's G-20 with its usual accuracy, impartiality and objectivity

Win the office trivia night prize by knowing all 20 G-20 members:

The members of the G-20 are the finance ministers and central bank governors of 19 countries: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, South Korea, Turkey, the United Kingdom and the United States of America. The European Union is also a member, represented by the rotating Council presidency and the European Central Bank.

To ensure global economic fora and institutions work together, the Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the President of the World Bank, plus the chairs of the International Monetary and Financial Committee and Development Committee of the IMF and World Bank, also participate in G-20 meetings on an ex-officio basis.

So make sure you remember that Israel is NOT in the G-20, that is the trick question that gets them every time (e.g. "which three countries beginning with the letter 'I' are members of the G-20?").

Why Is TomoTherapy Not Available In Australia?

MADISON, Wisconsin [29/10/08] TomoTherapy Incorporated (NASDAQ: TOMO) announced today that Technical University of Munich, Germany, recently welcomed 175 radiation oncology experts from 16 countries to the ‘International Conference on the Clinical Use of TomoTherapy’.

The two-day event featured 35 technical talks from doctors and physicists. Presentations covered the multiple cancer types clinicians are treating with CT-guided, helical TomoTherapySM and treatment protocols that show promise in gaining improved outcomes for patients.

“We were extremely pleased to host this exciting scientific meeting to explore the clinical use of TomoTherapy,” said Prof. Michael Molls, M.D., chairman of Radiation Oncology, Klinikum Rechts der Isar, Technical University of Munich.

“Our clinic has used TomoTherapy for the last 2 years in a project funded by the German Oncology research foundation. This new technology, which combines CT imaging with a linear accelerator in one device, allows us to treat patients with a higher accuracy and to better shape dose distributions to target tumour volumes.”

Notable conference presentations included:

Dr. Patrick Kupelian, director of Clinical Research for Radiation Oncology at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center Orlando, Florida on TomoTherapy for prostate cancer; and

Prof. Guy Storme, M.D., Ph.D., director of the Oncologic Center at UZ Brussel, Brussels, Belgium on the use of TomoTherapy for the treatment of head and neck tumours;

“The gathered international clinicians enjoyed presentations covering many of the clinical possibilities for TomoTherapy,” said Dr. Kupelian.

“Evidenced in many presentations is the need for volumetric daily image guidance such as that provided on the TomoTherapy Hi·Art® treatment system. It is important to continue such meetings to allow sharing of experience with the goal to deliver improved outcomes for our patients.”

Prof. Storme added, “Meetings like this help us understand the range of possibilities with a platform like TomoTherapy and highlight the need for clinical Phase 3 studies to make most use of this technology which seems to have a beneficial effect for patients in reducing side effects.”

Thomas ‘Rock’ Mackie, Ph.D., TomoTherapy co-founder and chairman of the board, discussed the experience of taking TomoTherapy from concept to clinical routine and thanked Technical University of Munich for organizing a successful conference.

“I am excited to see so many respected members of the international radiation oncology community gather to present the wonderful work they are doing with TomoTherapy,” said Mackie.

“It is a great opportunity for us to see the way the potential of this platform is being explored and how future developments will extend the possibilities.”

http://www.tomotherapy.com/news/view/102908_munich/

Oh To Be A Broadwater Pelican! [13/11/08]

Greens Senator Thwarts Inquiry Into The Bleedin' Obvious

Kermit The Frog

An attempt by Senator Barefootnpreggers to establish an inquiry into leaks has been thwarted by the "It's Not Easy" and "Blow Up The Pokies" parties.

Senator Barefootnpreggers called for the inquiry after details of a phone call made it into a national newspaper.

However, Senator It'snoteasy said even blind freddy could see how details of the leak made headlines in the national newspaper.

"I think the problem is that Senator Barefootnpreggers is so new to the Senate," he said.

"When I first heard what Senator Barefootnpreggers was trying to do, I thought - surely he can't be that naive and that he meant he wanted an inquiry into that cartoonist who fell off the balcony. Then I realised that because he's so new in the Senate, he doesn't quite understand the way things work."

Senator It'snoteasy said that even Senator Strangename understood the bleedin' obvious nature of power in Australia and the unhealthy relationship between certain politicians and certain editors of certain national newspapers.

Guess This Is Why They Want To Censor The Internet!

"SPECIAL" NEW YORK TIMES BLANKETS CITIES WITH MESSAGE OF HOPE AND CHANGE [12/11/08]

Thousands of volunteers behind elaborate operation

* The New York Times responds: http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/12/pranksters-spoof-the-times/

Hundreds of independent writers, artists, and activists are claiming credit for an elaborate project, 6 months in the making, in which 1.2million copies of a "special edition" of the New York Times were distributed in cities across the U.S. by thousands of volunteers.

The papers, dated July 4th of next year, were headlined with long-awaited news: "IRAQ WAR ENDS". The edition, which bears the samelook and feel as the real deal, includes stories describing what the future could hold: national health care, the abolition of corporate lobbying, a maximum wage for CEOs, etc.

There was also a spoof site, at http://www.nytimes-se.com/.

"Is this true? I wish it were true!" said one reader.

"It can be true, if we demand it."

"We wanted to experience what it would look like, and feel like, to read headlines we really want to read. It's about what's possible, if we think big and act collectively," said Steve Lambert, one of the project's organizers and an editor of the paper.

"This election was a massive referendum on change. There's a lot of hope in the air, but there's a lot of uncertainty too. It's up to all of us now to make these headlines come true," said Beka Economopoulos, one of the project's organizers.

"It doesn't stop here. We gave Obama a mandate, but he'll need mandate after mandate after mandate to do what we elected him to do. He'll need a lot of support, and yes, a lot of pressure," said Andy Bichlbaum, another project organizer and editor of the paper.

The people behind the project are involved in a diverse range of groups, including The Yes Men, the Anti-Advertising Agency, CODEPINK, United for Peace and Justice, Not An Alternative, May First/PeopleLink, Improv Everywhere, Evil Twin, and Cultures of Resistance.

In response to the spoof, the New York Times said only, "We are looking into it."

Alex S. Jones, former Times reporter who is an authority on the history of the paper, says: "I would say if you've got one, hold onto it. It will probably be a collector's item."

*UPDATE* Evidently the spoofs are running rampant! On 5/11/08 (The day after the U.S. election) 'USA Today' was "wrapped" with a fake front page by activists:

http://catchupblog.typepad.com/catch_up_blog/2008/11/anarchists-hijack-usa-today-front-page-at-newsstands.html

Health Is A Human Right: Tom Fawthrop's 'Swimming Against The Tide'

The Australian Medical Association have released their Annual Report. It indicated Australian hospitals are struggling with overcrowding and long emergency waiting lists, and that 1,500 patients are dying per year because they can't get access to proper treatment.

Today [12/11/08], the Health Minister roundly dismissed these statistics because they are from 2003. Fair enough, but where are the figures for this year?

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics (2007), there is 1 doctor for every 400 Australians. The O.E.C.D Health Data 2008 states that in Australia, health spending per capita increased in real terms by 4.5% per year. It sounds good until you look a bit closer. In 2005 spending on pharmaceuticals accounted for 14.2% of total health spending in Australia, up from 11.2% in 1995. In Cuba the ratio is 1 doctor for 170 people, and they make their own pharmaceuticals.

In any case, anyone who's been to a doctor or visited a hospital (private or public) in the last couple of years can tell you Australia's health system is failing.

The ALP website says the Rudd Government is going to invest $148 million to immediately establish new GP training places, allowing 175 additional new doctors to begin training to become GPs over the new two years.

It's a start, but it's not enough.

We could learn something from Cuba, which leads the world in its ratio of doctors to citizens (1 doctor for 170 people - Cuba has a population of over 11 million), but that will never happen because Australians have been philosophically indoctrinated against any notion of universal health care.

Produced and directed by freelance journalist Tom Fawthrop, 'Swimming Against The Tide', is a documentary about the extraordinary health system of this tiny Caribbean nation.

Following the 1959 revolution (nearly half of Cuba's 6,000 doctors left the country fearing the end of private health care) Cuba took a different path from other nations, working on the development of comprehensive health and education for its citizens. 'Swimming Against The Tide' reveals some surprising things about the success of its health system in the face of four decades of the U.S. trade embargo.

Economic problems, a state of permanent siege and limited access to medicines from overseas are a daily reality for Cubans, but their health system has created a family doctor program and polyclinics where patients can have x-rays, scans, dentistry, minor surgery and alternative therapies such as acupuncture.

It's interesting to hear the views of health professionals throughout the documentary, including Dr Marcos Diaz, a former advisor to the Health Ministry who says the success of the Cuban health system despite the political and economic embargo, is based on his country's resilience and focus on education.

Their views are refreshingly honest and compassionate. Dr Arachi Castro, Professor of Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School says that the IMF and World Bank's policy of privatization, and only granting loans to developing countries on the condition they cut public spending has had disastrous consequences. While students from the Latin American Medical School (which offers medical education to students from 29 countries around the world - 80 students are from the U.S.) are passionate about connecting with patients on a more human level, and proud that there are Cuban doctors in every part of the world, serving as doctors or teaching.

One of the most interesting parts of the documentary concerns the eye hospital in Havana, where over 600,000 operations have successfully restored the vision of eye patients, and the specialist neurology hospital, which has treated 100s of foreign patients with severe neurological disorders, spinal injuries and brain damage.

Who knew that Cuba had 500 doctors ready to send to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, and that they were rejected by the USA and sent to Pakistan instead?

As the documentary concludes, health is shaping up to be Fidel Castro's most enduring legacy, with 30,000 Cuban doctors and health workers saving lives in 70 countries around the world.

You can order a copy of 'Swimming Against The Tide' by emailing Eureka Films & Documentaries: eurekacuba@gmail.com

The Deal Is Done: Traveston Crossing Dam Raised By Senator Bob Brown

From Hansard [12/11/08]:

Senator BOB BROWN (2.21 pm)—My question goes, with some notice, to the Minister representing the Minister for the Environment, Heritage and the Arts. It regards the Traveston Dam. I ask: is it true that earthworks are underway at the dam site to remove 200,000 cubic metres of overburden and 20,000 cubic metres of rock preparatory to building the dam, and have eviction notices been given to at least half-a-dozen local farmers effective by the end of this month? I ask the minister: is it not a clear breach of the spirit, if not the letter, of the law for the project to have got underway, as it obviously has done, before the minister for the environment completed an assessment?

Senator WONG — Senator Brown, I did make some inquiries, given you indicated that you had some concerns about these issues. A similar question was asked at estimates by Senator Macdonald in relation to various activities being asserted. Can I just step back for a moment and remind the Senate what Minister Garrett’s role is in relation to the proposed dam. Mr Garrett is the minister making a determination under the EPBC Act. That assessment and approval process is not a political process; it is a process predicated on a rigorous and comprehensive scientific assessment of this project, as with any other project. I am advised that the Queensland government has yet to finalise the assessment report for Traveston Crossing Dam and has not yet approved the dam under state legislation. I emphasise again that Minister Garrett’s responsibilities for decision making under the EPBC Act will only commence once that assessment report has been submitted to him, and the timing of that is at the discretion of the Queensland Coordinator-General. In relation to the specific issues raised, Senator Brown, it may be that further information may be available, given the additional detail you have provided us with today. Can I indicate to you that my advice is that the Department of the Environment, Water, Heritage and the Arts, which is responsible for the administration
of this legislation, has not given any explicit or implied authorisation that would allow the construction of the Traveston Crossing Dam to commence prior to a final decision to approve or not approve under the EPBC Act in terms of the process I have outlined. I am advised that the department is also not aware of any notification or advice having been given to local residents by any other party that they should expect construction to commence prior to the required approvals having been obtained. It is the case that commencement of construction prior to the conclusion of an assessment process would constitute a breach of section 74AA of the EPBC Act, and such a breach would be investigated by the department as appropriate. I am advised that the proponent has notified the department that they will be undertaking a range of investigative geotechnical works necessary to inform design elements of the proposal. The advice I have received is that the department’s view is that these investigations do not constitute the taking of an action that has been referred for assessment under the EPBC Act. That action is the construction and operation of the Traveston Crossing Dam. It is also the case that the proponent has notified the department of their intention to conduct other geotechnical investigations in the vicinity relating to the upgrade of community facilities. Similarly, my advice is that this is not considered to be part of the referred action.

Senator BOB BROWN—Mr President, I ask a supplementary question. Did the minister, as distinct from the department, make the decisions on the socalled preparatory work, which as she indicated is essential to the dam proceeding and therefore should be seen as part of the construction? Secondly, if it is true that people have been given until the end of the month to vacate their land, without the minister’s knowledge, is this a breach of either an arrangement with the Queensland government or the legislation to which she refers? Finally, is it possible for the Queensland government to build a dam and do everything except put the plug in before the minister takes action?

Senator WONG—The answer in relation to the last question is no. I have clearly indicated the advice the government has about the nature of the action which is to be determined under the EPBC Act. The second point I would make is that Senator Brown made an assertion about my answer which I do not regard as an accurate reading of the answer I gave. I made it clear that commencement of construction prior to the conclusion could constitute a breach, but there was a distinction in the advice given to me—Senator Bob Brown interjecting— Senator WONG—I appreciate that Senator Brown has strong views about this, but there was a distinction in terms of the advice given to me as between that and investigative geotechnical works necessary to inform design elements of the proposal. If Senator Brown considers that there has been a breach—and I referred to the section that would enable such investigation—he is welcome to provide further details to enable an assessment as to whether such an investigation should occur.

Bad Crocs To Be Relocated To Brisbane CBD

Mr Crocodile...CBD solution

"Never smile at a crocodile
No you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in, by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit
Within his skin"

'Never Smile At A Crocodile', music and lyrics by Sammy Fain and Sammy Cahn

(from the 1953 Disney film 'Peter Pan')

Following recent scandals relating to the relocation of Queensland's troublesome crocodiles, the State Government has decided to move them to Brisbane's CBD.

The worst of the worst will be placed in CBD fountains because they are already fenced off.

"We will be negotiating with the City Hall Leader to refill the fountains before putting the crocodiles in the fountains," said the Environmental Resources Minister.

Today in Parliament the Opposition Springboard tabled a letter purportedly from a "Mr Crocodile" which suggested new policies for relocation.

"Yum, Yum I want to eat you all up - ALP... LNP....all the same to me..." it said.

The remaining crocodiles will be placed in the Southbank Beach, the ponds in the City Botanic Gardens, the Spring Hill Baths and the Centenary Pool.

To display his readiness for becoming the next Premier, the Opposition Springboard will execute a symbolic and manly dive into the Centenary Pool, which will be filled with about twenty of the less naughty crocodiles.

The Opposition Springboard...manly dive into the Centenary Pool

In related news, a genius has discovered high levels of electrical currents in public swimming pools throughout Queensland.

"I reject the Opposition's blatantly political suggestions that this is in any way connected to the electric eels we relocated last month," said the Environmental Resources Minister.

"However, I've referred that to the C.M.C. and I'm also taking advice from my department."

"Citizens Will Bailout Government": Government

Local Laws Officers... more time to enforce

The Government has introduced new legislation and local laws to raise money to pay for tunnels, bridges and rock'n'roll bands. This week, the Captain announced a new intiative called "STUFF YOU". Apparently there is no acronym this time, she really means it, wow is she cranky, you had better watch your step.

Under the new laws, citizens can be fined up to $100,000 - for offences including offending the Government, the BCC, The Spurious Tale or even being suspected of intending to hesitate with intent to loiter.

The Captain furiously denied opposition claims that this was just revenue raising.

"That's preposterous," she said.

"Nobody forces people to be poor - and if they make those choices there should be consequences."

Minister Judy told Parliament it will make the justice system more efficient.

"Whatever you do, don't be poor because these infringement notices will increase the likelihood of you going to jail," she said.

"Police officers will spend less time on paper work and will therefore be able to spend more time performing police operational tasks, such as administering Taser blasts to those kids who hang about just begging to be tazed", she added.

Hmm, makes you wonder, doesn't it? Oh, I see, it doesn't. You obviously read the Limited News version of reality, so you are destined to be stupid beyond help.

Sullivans Paternity Mystery Shocks The Nation

Gordon Street, Camberwell... paternity mystery

"Hey woman, you got the blues, cos you aint got no one else to use.
There's an open road that leads nowhere, so just make some miles
Between here and there.
There's a hole in my head where the rain comes in,
You took my body and played to win,
Ha ha woman it's a crying shame,
But you aint got no one else to blame."

'Evil Woman', Electric Light Orchestra (1975)

Dave Sullivan has revealed that he once took a DNA test because he wasn't sure if he was a real father or not.

Mr Sullivan said that Australians who knew and loved 'The Sullivans' in the 1970s had been deceived into thinking that he and his wife Grace, and children John, Tom, Terry and Kitty were a real family, when in fact they were actually a hit television series.

"Not mentioning any names, but after Grace was killed in the London air raids, I acted on the funny feeling I always had that she may not have been upfront with me on certain issues - particularly those relating to Uncle Harry," he said.

"Even though they didn't have DNA testing back then, I feel bad about it because I now realise this whole DNA testing furore is a beatup and I can't believe I was gullible enough to fall for it."

Uncle Harry could not be contacted for comment.

Indeed, if you discover you didn't sire your children and you demand your money back, it's quite probable that you're not a real man either.

The Art Of War: Otto Dix Exhibition At The Queensland Art Gallery

Optimistic irrational exuberance at the Queensland Art Gallery

[sign says "You don't understand. Not at all, not at all. Pleasure overrules pain, if you can catch that drift. When it's barrelling it's magic. You're like compressed inside - it gives you a high, you expect to see angels!" Local National International. Where there is no vision the people suffer]

"I did not paint war pictures in order to prevent war. I would never have been so arrogant. I painted them to exorcise the experience of war. All art is about exorcism." Otto Dix

The above quote is printed high on the wall of the room at the Queensland Art Gallery where a collection of Otto Dix etchings are currently being exhibited.

Otto Dix volunteered as a machine-gunner for the German infantry in World War One and was subsequently sent to the Western front. In the mid 1920s, he created a series of etchings depicting the horrors of trench warfare. These etchings, which are usually on display at the National Gallery in Canberra, are not for the fainthearted as they reveal the truth of war and all its associated human agonies.

Dix's etchings may be technically simple in their execution, but they're not detached from the subject, and despite what the accompanying exhibition notes say, they are not important only because of their grotesque and elegant artistic representation. The starkness of his mangled and decomposing dead bodies and the decimated landscapes is too confronting for that.

Indeed, at one stage of the exhibition the exhibition notes say:

"Shortly before he died Dix qualified his earlier statements. 'I was not really seeking to depict ugliness. Everything I saw was beautiful.' ... It is natural to feel ambivalent about this. How can we take pleasure in the depiction of suffering and wholesale carnage?"

Ambivalent? It seems the person who has written these notes has either misunderstood Dix's intention, or is deliberately confusing the issue. I think what Dix meant is that there is beauty in the unsullied depiction of destruction and depravity.

Why else would one of his etchings 'Soldier Raping a Nun' be suppressed from the original war portfolio and its publication?

With war still raging around the world today, this exhibition makes one wonder where our war artists are now?

Here's Dix's entry from the 'Oxford Dictionary of Art' by Ian Chilvers [2004]:

"Dix, Otto (b Untermhaus, Thuringia, 2 Dec. 1891; d Singen. 25 July 1969). German painter and printmaker (in woodcut, etching, drypoint, and lithography). In the 1920s he was, with George Grosz, the outstanding artist of the Neue Sachlichkeit movement, his work conveying his disillusionment and disgust at the horrors of war and the depravities of a decadent society with complete psychological truth and devastating emotional effect. The Match Seller (1920, Staatsgalerie, Stuttgart), for example, is a pitiless depiction of indifference to suffering, showing passers-by ignoring a blind and limbless ex-soldier begging in the street, and Dix's 50 etchings entitled The War (1924) have been described by George Heard Hamilton (Painting and Sculpture in Europe: 1880-1940, 1967) as 'perhaps the most powerful as well as the most unpleasant anti-war statements in modern art'. Another favourite theme was prostitution and he was a brilliantly incisive portraitist (Sylvia von Harden, 1926, Pompidou Centre, Paris).

In 1927 Dix was appointed a teacher at the Dresden Academy, but his anti-military stance angered the Nazis and he was dismissed from his post soon after they took power in 1933. The following year he was forbidden to exhibit, and eight of his paintings were shown in the infamous exhibition of degenerate art in 1937. They included The Trench (1923), a large triptych that had been his most controversial painting on account of its horrific depiction of war; it was destroyed by the Nazis in 1939. From 1936 Dix had lived quietly in the country near Lake Constance, where he painted traditional landscapes, yet he still aroused suspicion; in 1939 he was arrested on a charge of complicity in a plot on Hitler's life, but was soon released. He was conscripted into the Volkssturm (Home Guard) in 1945 and was a prisoner in France 1945-6; he then returned to Lake Constance. His post-war work - which was much more loosely handled and often inspired by religious mysticism - did not compare in originality or strength with his great achievements of the 1920s, but he remained a highly respected figure, receiving major awards from both East and West Germany."

The "Otto Dix" exhibition is on now at The Queensland Art Gallery. Don't go until the 'Courier-Mail' tells you to and tells you what it is all about, and when you get there don't interpret it for yourself. Just nod and accept whatever it is they have told you it means. Don't forget to stop into the Gallery's excellent coffee shop for a $25 espresso with your friends to agree furiously about how cosmopolitan Brisbane is these days.

Summer's nearly here: Orchids and agapanthus in the garden

Dreamers And Idiots

George Monbiot, November 11, 2003:

"Those who would take us to war must first shut down the public imagination. They must convince us that there is no other means of preventing invasion, or conquering terrorism, or even defending human rights. When information is scarce, imagination is easy to control. As intelligence gathering and diplomacy are conducted in secret, we seldom discover, until it is too late, how plausible the alternatives may be."

Repression: You're Not Alone

When Fascism Comes To Queensland It Will Take The Form Of Green Light Bulbs

There's desperation in the air.

Government by fridge magnets, egg timers and green light bulbs, Queensland style. With the government coffers overflowing and all the coal and water deals done and confidentially sealed away in commercial confidence it was time for the ship of state to make the tough decisions and act decisively to stop all the climate change science.

The green coloured bulbs will be handed out at all locally owned general stores and corner shops from today [10/11/08]. The captain made the bold announcement as she emerged from the ministry of truth offices at Bowen Hills where she went to get her orders.

"I have just received permission to give away thousands of green glowing light bulbs and it says here on the instructions that they cast a comforting green hue over all aspects of Queensland life. Pop one in the laundry near the dryer, one in the home theatre, one in the double garage and perhaps one in the kitchen where it can throw a green glow over all the new appliances and gadgets. If you get the Limited Newsletter you'll be given another two for the outdoor area above the 9-burner BBQ and perhaps one for the shed where you keep your leaf-blower and ride on mower", she said.

"See? It couldn't be easier being green!"

C.C.C.*.N.T.S. On Strike

"You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
Ain't it hard when you discover that?
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal

'Like A Rolling Stone', Bob Dylan (1965)

Australia's consumer confidence has diminished to the point that consumers, clients and customers have formed a union and are now out on strike.

Newly elected President of the Consumers Clients Customers Unhappy and Not Therefore Spending (C.C.C.*.N.T.S.) Union, Mr Wal Tempty said the strike would continue until consumer, client and customer demands were met.

"C.C.C.*.N.T.S. are currently on a work to rule because we no longer have the money to buy the overpriced and useless products marketed at us," he said.

"As Australian citizens, the only way we can get the government and mainstream media to pay any attention to our plight on any level is to label ourselves as consumers, clients or customers."

Mr Wal Tempty went on to explain that members will only be purchasing essential items as the demands being placed on consumers, clients and customers to continue spending rather than saving, despite the evidently difficult economic conditions, was bizarre and unfair.

"There are only so many superfluous products such as electronic games, gadgets, plasma televisions, houses and cars that go pssssshhhht that a human being can buy in a set period of time," he said.

"The government and businesses are putting unrealistic pressure on consumers, clients and customers to save the economy."

Mr Wal Tempty said that as the economy goes into freefall, the current narrative being presented by the mainstream media and the government regarding middle age weight loss and alcohol consumption was about cultivating mixed messages about consumption and attendent feelings of anxiety throughout the community.

"It's a very useful tactic in totalitarian regimes," he said.

Head of the Do Ing All Business at any BloOdy Cost to Losers Association of Australia Limited (D.I.A.B.O.L.I.C.A.L), Ms Dee Regulation did not agree with Mr Wal Tempty.

"Who do these C.C.C.*.N.T.S. think they are, putting the economy at risk like this?"

"The government should step in and force them to go shopping."

When it was pointed out to Ms Dee Regulation that the government has probably done enough for business by bailing out failed companies, banks, the car and fossil fuel industries, and dropping a couple of thousand in the banks of consumers, customers and clients and upping the handouts to mortgage providers, she said "bring in the troops."

"The free market isn't for everyone," she said, arching her eyebrow in an accusatory fashion.

'The Family: The Secret Fundamentalism At The Heart Of American Power' by Jeff Sharlet

Read this book if you want to know who runs the world, how they do it, and what drives them:

"It's hard now, in the present United States, to imagine the fear that attended the Depression years, and harder still to remember the anger. Most forgotten of all is the optimism of ordinary people pushed to an edge over which they peered and saw not the abyss they had been told by their employers and their politicians awaited them, but - maybe, if they built it themselves - a future dramatically different from the past.

The 1930s were the hungry years, yes; but they were also radical, which is to say, visionary - an era of political imagination. American history has plunked Roosevelt at the left edge of the spectrum of our political life, but at the time Roosevelt was closer to the middle. To his right were fools and fascists; these were the days when one might respectably admire the methods of "Mr. Hitler" and wonder, in the pages of newspapers or on the floor of Congress, whether there might not be some part of his approach for Americans to copy. And to Roosevelt's left? There lies the missing history of America without which the rise of Abram's [the evangelist Abraham Vereide] religion, the fundamentalism of the "up and out," the gospel of power for the powerful that soothes the concsciences of fundamentalism's elite to this day, cannot be understood. The elite fundamentalist movement of which Abram would be a pioneer arose in response to a radical age. Abram's biographers say that for a brief moment in 1932, a Roosevelt aide charged with building a brain trust from which the future president's cabinet could be constructed promoted Abram to take charge of social services portfolio on the strength of his Goodwill work, and began including him in meetings. "Abram was introduced to the inner workings of the economic and political forces of the nation," wrote Abram's friend and biographer Norman Grubb. there he saw "how serious was the danger of leftwing elements actually taking over the nation."

As far as Abram was concerned, they did. He had begun drawing up plans for government-backed religious revival as a cure for the nation, but FDR went the way of the New Deal. Roosevelt's name rarely appears in Abram's papers thereafter.

Nor, for that matter, does the name of anyone Abram thought beyond God's sphere of influence. Abram perfected a feel-good fundamentalism that was every bit as militant and aggressive as today's populist front but incapable of uttering a harsh word. It was country club fundamentalism, for men who believed in their own goodness and proved it to themselves and each other by commending Christ and the next fellow's fine effort at following His example. The followed the law of kindergarten: if you have nothing nice to say about someone, say nothing at all. Or put it in terms of abstraction, the preeningly polite language of upper-class religion: One might talk about a "Red Menace," but good Christians did not discuss what they deemed Roosevelt's communistic tendencies: One might bemoan moral decay, but it would not do to mention the name of a fellow businessman who kept ladies on the side."

I See Robots

Grey Street, South Brisbane

"The robots, the robots, the robots, the robots, the robots, the robots..."

'Destroy The Robots', The Red Paintings (2006)

Man Overboard: The Riviera Boat Sale

Here are some photos of the Riviera boat sale at the Gold Coast Marine Precinct, Coomera on Saturday [8/11/08]. These obscenely large sea vessels attracted a few buyers and gawkers.

According to the 'Australian Financial Review' [8-9/11/08] Riviera sacked more than 200 workers in April. The Coomera based Telwater retrenched 100 staff, and luxury long range cruise boat manufacturer Maritimo Offshore announced early in October it would retrench 105 people as work orders, particularly in the U.S. dried up.

Unfortunately this little beauty wasn't for sale!

What's Up Telstra?

my phone line has been disconnected
for over six days now
and where is Mr Trujillo?
I'm sure he has the power

they told me the connection
would take an hour or two
but it seems like an eternity
since they put me in the queue

after several calls they say
the computer's been down all week
why couldn't they tell me earlier?
is the truth that hard to speak?

the hours have become days
yet still they fob me off
or say "just hold a minute"
and into the void I'm dropped

as the saga continues
apparently the connection is "pending"
they say they're being honest now
and over backwards they are bending

"I'm confident I can fix this"
"Though we have new people to train"
"Here's my name and employee number"
"Good luck to you again"

still I wait and wait and wait
then the complaints department say
I need a 1-dash number
or else just go away

now it seems I need to have
a case manager assigned
that is what is necessary
to release me from this bind

I'm running out of options
even phoned my local MP
seems there's nothing I can do
and no-one can help me

who exactly is it?
who pushes the button or flips the switch?
they are one but they are many
'though a few thousand have been ditched

the story just keeps getting better
do these technical people actually exist?
who are they? where are they?
I can't see them through the mist

all this hanging on the line
gives me time to think
how long will it be before
Big Pond goes down the sink?

so what's up Telstra? could it be
that you are all on strike?
cos' Trujillo said you couldn't
have collective bargaining rights

or is this the way things are now?
as Australia's gradually privatised
screw the customers and the workers
who can only apologise

that our parents and grandparents taxes
which built nationalised telecommunications
have been siphoned off by crooks
who aren't citizens of this nation

Sol might be a survivor
with his transformation strategy
but if it takes six days to connect a phone
I don't think he's doing his job properly

Response From Office Of Revenue Re: First Home Buyers' Grant Query

Dear Madam,

Thank you for your email dated 30 October 2008. I can confirm that the First Home Owner's Boost has been approved and the increased amounts are being paid for approved applications, arrangements between the Queensland state government and Commonwealth government were finalised on Thursday 30th October, 2008.

If you need additional information, please contact this office by return e-mail or phone 1300 300 734.

Yours sincerely,

Revenue Officer

Brisbane Client Contact Centre

Office of State Revenue, Queensland

Web: http://www.osr.qld.gov.au

Phone: 1300 300 734

Boring Propaganda Floods Clem 7

"We're on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin' that ride to nowhere
We'll take that ride"

'Road to Nowhere', Talking Heads (1985)

The only paper in town may not have received an invitation to the latest Clem 7 construction helmet extravaganza, but the propaganda is flowing like the Brisbane River - brown, smelly and fast.

The builders of the Clem 7 - LRB - have revealed that they have received many complaints, some concerning the boring, machine-like demeanour of Brisbane's politicians, while others were mostly related to noise.

The noise, which has shattered the tranquility on the M1, is apparently being monitored by noise monitoring stations which have been developed by the Ponds Institute.

One of the noise monitoring stations

A spokesman for the LRB said, "Hang on. Help is on its way. I'll be there as fast as I can," before launching into a tricky little riff on his electric guitar.

This week's construction helmet extravaganza celebrated the boring milestone of 60 metres, and contact with a water feature - known as the Brisbane River.

"Happy anniversary baby. Got you on my mi - ind," said the LRB spokesman.

When asked if he thought the Clem 7 would open in mid-2009, the LRB spokesman became confused.

"Hang on, I think you may have us confused with someone else. We're a band from Melbourne who started out in the 1970s, and once had John Farnham as our lead singer," he said.

"Time for a cool change," he said.

In related news, the hard-hatted Captain was so incensed by the publicity for the City Hall Leader's project that she demanded (and, of course got) a PR moment of her own. Today [6/11/08] she had her own fluoro and hard-hat moment as she announced the demolition of every single traffic light between the Brisbane Airport and Coolangatta. She said:

"Ha! Take that. I'll see your Clem-7 and raise you a North-South-East-West-Trans-Apex-Airport-Link-Project-Private-Profit-Public-Risk-No-Lose Project that will blow your silly little Clem project out of the ground."

It is still unclear how Brisbane citizens became so profoundly stupid as to subscribe to the idea that they needed a tunnel under the river or a traffic light free drive from the airport to Coolangatta. The only logical answer is that they have only one newspaper and it is a hopelessly untruthful, biased, dishonest travesty of a rag.

In unrelated related news: The two $530 million Clem-7 tunnelling machines have met in the middle of the tunnel 60 metres below the bed of the Brisbane River. Unfortunately, so much money and effort was spent on the media, spin, PR, photo opportunity, cocktail-event and large lanyard side of things that nobody was in charge of the machines. They have reportedly shredded each other to pieces and 'Coates Hire' is said to be seeking legal advice.

Twenty Years Ago

'Changing Face of Brisbane', from the 'National Trust Journal'

March 1988:

"A multi-million dollar development has been proposed for the historic wool stores site at Teneriffe. Eastpac Pty. Ltd. has options over more than 1 km of the wool stores.

The plans include a marina, an apartment and townhouse complex, a shopping centre and riverside tavern and restoration of the historic buildings as specialty stores. Those to be retained in the scheme include the AML & F building, the Dalgety Skins and Hides building, the Wool Selling Co-operative buildings and the old tug boat headquarters.

The Trust is concerned not only that significant buildings be retained but the essential character of the area is not dissipated and trivialized in any development.

***

The Myer Valley store closed in January ending nearly a century of big retailing in the area which has been dominated by names such as T.C. Beirne, McWhirters, Overell, Walton and David Jones.

Prosperity began in the Valley when fire destroyed a drapery business run by T.C. Beirne and M.A. Piggott in Stanley Street, South Brisbane. The two men moved to the Valley to open T.C. Beirne in Brunswick Street, midway between Ann and Wickham Streets and Piggott set up on what is now Myer's corner.

The establishment of the stores caused a rush of business to the Valley area and property values shot up by 500 per cent as enormous trade was taken away from the city.

A fews years later Piggott left the Valley to set up shop in the booming township of Toowoomba and a young Scottish migrant named James McWhirter, who had been manager for T.C. Beirne, moved into the vacant building and set up his own store.

In the meantime the Overell family had established another thriving retail business on the opposite Valley corner. In the 1950s Overell became Waltons, McWhirters became Myer and T.C. Beirne became David Jones.

David Jones closed its Valley operation in 1973. Walton's became Norman Ross in may 1987 and announced it would eventually close.

Amidst general concern about the commercial future of the Valley it must be noted that the Valley contains important individual buildings forming a late 19th and erly 20th century shopping area - the largest such area remaining in Brisbane.

***

The Education Department has opposed demolition of the Baroona Special School to make way for the widening of Hale Street. A department spokesman said relocating the school would cost at least $1.7 million. The school dated back to 1868 and was considered too important historically to demolish.

The comment by the Education Department is the latest in a series of objections to the loss of important buildings in Petrie Terrace, the last remaining example of an early Brisbane suburb which has not been affected by major road works and subsequent development.

***

Plans have been announced for the post-Expo redevelopment of South Brisbane including the proposal to demolish and re-erect replicas of the few of the few surviving historic buildings on the site.

The National Trust totally opposes this concept.

The City Council has announced initiatives to allow cottage retail activities in existing buildings along Latrobe/Given Terrace. The plans were discussed by a well-attended public meeting and involve the retention of existing buildings and creation of car parking.

***

The top end of the Queen Street Mall has been completed but free standing structures within the Mall make it difficult to see the retained façade.

***

The City Council has revised its Heritage Amendments to the Town Plan and will no longer require the significance of listed buildings to be assessed by owners before redevelopment. New proposals identify buildings where only the facades are significant and given the developer benefits for their retention.

***

Demolition of the Maritime Building in Petrie Bight is the first step in the redevelopment of the area by Seymour Development. It is understood that the National Trust listed 'view to the Storey Bridge' and retaining wall are to be preserved.

***

The Customs Service is moving out of Customs House and the Commonwealth Government has requested a report from architects Allom Lovell Marquis-Kyle on the significance of the building and the best ways to protect it.

White Industries are planning to demolish Empire House, an R.S. Dodds building on the corner of Queen and Creek Streets, and the National Trust listed Queensland Country Life building to make way for one of Brisbane's largest high rise buildings (rumoured to be twice the height of the Riverside Centre).

Discussions on the retention of the facades has taken place with the Brisbane City Council.

***

Planning work continues on Mainsell Investment Pty. Ltd.'s Central Place and will take advantage of the new Town Plan which encourages tapering of buildings. The result will be improved vistas of the former School of Arts Building from the Shrine of Remembrance in Ann Street."

Ponds Institute To Open New Northside Campus

The Ponds Institute ... future capacities on the northside going forward

The Ponds Institute has taken advantage of the soon to be vacated Unreal University campus on Brisbane's northside to open a new research unit.

As the Unreal University campus celebrated its forthcoming closure today [5/11/08] with a delightful celebration (boycotted by most of the staff) plans for the research unit were revealed by Ms Lowie Brookings, the Vice Chief President - Asia Pacific -of the Ponds Institute.

"It is fortuitous that the Unreal University will soon vacate the campus so that we can develop our future capacities on the northside going forward," said Ms Brookings.

The research unit will focus on issues pertaining to ignorance, susceptability and gullibility.

"Research into the humanities, history, ethics and philosophy are like, so yesterday," said Ms Brookings.

"The Ponds Institute will take full advantage of this lovely campus with planned research and courses in salesmanship - particularly pyramid selling - and chain letters, along with derivative journalism," she said.

Illegal Browneye Inflames Indy Crowd

Inflammatory

A mature age woman has pleaded guilty to flashing a browneye at the Gold Coast Indy crowd from the balcony of a Surfers Paradise apartment.

In the days leading up to the Indy, all women were instructed to keep their clothes on during the glitzy event - unless they were prostitutes, strippers, pageant competitors or authorised Indy Girls.

Publicity for the event clearly suggested that spontaneous exuberance by any woman who didn't meet the criteria would be punished.

The mature age woman, who did not meet the criteria and is unfortunately mature aged and therefore should know better, flashed a browneye at the crowd in direct contravention of the rules.

Some witnesses to the browneye said it was the most entertaining thing they saw all weekend. Others were apparently so inflamed they kept calling for the mature age woman to come back and do it again.

The browneye even inflamed those not on the scene. The helicopter pilot flying the giant "Girls Gone Wild" banner up and down the Gold Coast all weekend was said to be still recovering from the shock.

"If the mature age woman had gyrated suggestively or presented her mature age self submissively and asked to be paid, she might have avoided the charge," said arresting officer Sergeant D. Standard.

"Flashing a browneye is a rebellious gesture and everybody knows it is a relic of the past."

Brisbane House Prices Set To Change - Somewhat

"Some media is the whack
You believe it's true, it blows me through the roof
Suckers, liars get me a shovel
Some writers I know are damn devils
For them I say don't believe the hype
Yo Chuck, they must be on a pipe, right?
Their pens and pads I'll snatch
'Cause I've had it
I'm not an addict fiendin' for static
I'll see their tape recorder and grab it
No, you can't have it back silly rabbit"

'Don't Believe The Hype', Public Enemy (1988)

Buying, leasing or selling your property?

Brisbane property prices are set to change in the future according to independent property experts, who have nothing to gain from obfuscating about the true financial conditions, and who never engage in wishful thinking or subscribe to the idea of self-fulfilling prophesy.

Property Investment Specialist Mr T. Leeves has drawn a graph which shows beyond any doubt that real estate prices are set to soar as soon as they increase and that now is the time to buy. Dr S. Pin from Chocolate Wheel Investments Inc., has also calculated that a 100% increase in values would equate to a doubling of the market. These two experts are not alone.

The latest Commercial Real Estate and Property (C.R.A.P.) Data, has been misunderstood by negative thinkers who seem to have a hidden agenda. Hundreds of sellers could be making a terrible mistake if they panic. Many people look around them or attend auctions and, because they are not experts, make the mistake of thinking that the floor has fallen out of the market. A Funds Manager from the industry fund 'Super Stition', Mr Rollo Coaster, warns that all it takes is a 50% drop in prices to slash real estate values in half.

"Of course you will make a loss if you sell your house for less than you paid for it. I'm an expert so I know these things. The problem is ignorance and a lack of positive mental attitude," said Mr Coaster.

"The solution is simple, it's the buyers fault. Buyers need to have faith in the market and they have to have the courage to blindly trust us when we say they should buy now and should pay the asking price."

Mr E. Trends, the chief economist at 'Double Or Nothing Hedge Funds', is an expert in market analysis.

"It's important not to look to closely to the figures when they're going down, but focus on when they're going up. Otherwise you can get a pessimistic message and that can lead to a loss of confidence. I prefer to put on a brave face, keep a stiff upper lip, look on the bright side and accentuate the positive. My calculations, seasonally adjusted and weighted properly, show the market's actually up," he said.

Isolation

People say we got it made
don't they know we're so afraid
we're afraid to be alone,
everybody got to have a home
Isolation

Just a boy and a little girl
trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation

All the world is a little town
everybody trying to put us down
Isolation

I don't expect you to understand
after you caused so much pain
But then again you're not to blame
You're just a human, a victim of the insane

We're afraid of everyone, afraid of the sun
Isolation

The Sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years
Isolation

John Lennon (1970)

Angry Reaction To Monopoly Control Of Physical Gestures

Some Tennis players have reacted angrily to the idea that the courts could tell them how they can react to disagreeable umpire outcomes during commercially funded tennis tournaments.

Hand gestures will henceforth have to be registered with the International Court Of Justice. Chief Justice Ima Cellout, has decreed that pointing towards one's head while grunting "cummooonnnn", is now illegal unless the person has a suitably licensed agreement with the owner of that spontaneous outburst.

Other spontaneous outbursts that are deemed to be illegal will be conveyed via the International Freedom And Tennis Institute's daily website updates and competitors are encouraged to keep themselves updated or face the consequences.

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" (Mahatma Gandhi)

First frangipani!

'Spring Hill Voice' Scoops "Toady" Awards

"Toady" Awards...prestigious

'Spring Hill Voice' scooped the prestigious "Toady" Awards at a glittering ceremony in the Grand Ballroom of the Bellevue Hotel last night.

The "Toady" Awards are sponsored by the Parallel Reality Unit of the Ponds Institute and are presented by the 'Spring Hill Voice' media conglomerate.

An atmosphere of tension and rivalry prevailed throughout an evening of surprises, tears, laughter and of course surprises.

The "Environmental Toady" was awarded to a surprised Wendy Whalesong, for her story 'Green Pickle Initiative for Desalination Plant'.

Brisbane's favourite feminist, intellectual blogger - Annie Anywhere - was tearful during the presentation of the "Propaganda Toady" for her post 'Grow Your Bush And Burn Your Bra, Get A Trade And You'll Go Far', but that was because she nearly fell over because controversial columnist Henrietta Whoreitabout stuck her leg out as she was making her way to the stage.

Annie Anywhere...tearful

Con Creet laughed out loud as he accepted the "Sucking Up To Developers Toady" for his expose 'Rampant Fence Erection Sparks International Trend'.

The "Golden Toady" went to Percy Personable the People's Scribe for his standout coverage of "Canapegate".

The "Toady"Awards are open to any websites called 'Spring Hill Voice'.

GM Bananas Escape

"Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la"

'The Banana Splits Tra La La Song', (according to Wikipedia, the song is written by Nelson B. Winkless, Jr., and on all record releases, as well as the TV show's closing credits, it is credited to Ritchie Adams and Mark Barkan) [1969]

GM Bananas on the loose..."but there's no reason to panic": Professor Panic

Researchers at the Species Deceases Unit of the Ponds Institute have urged people to remain calm after the escape of a batch of GM bananas.

In his disarming European accent, Professor Panic said there was no reason to panic, but that the GM bananas should not be approached.

"It iz unlikely you vill encounter von of zese bananas, but I vould suggest you all phone your lovely muzzers for their banana cake recipees juzt to be on ze zafe side," he said.

The GM bananas were developed as part of Professor Panic's project to create a neverending banana.

"I fear ziz project did not turn out az I had planned," he said.

"But alzogh zeez conspiracee zeorists like to zay zat I am not an independent researcher and zat I am beholden to ze big genetic technology companies, zee bananas know zat I love zem, so they vill come back," he said.

The GM bananas were last spotted running along the Pacific Highway at Ballina. Professor Panic thinks they are probably heading to the Big Banana.

"I zink I may have accidentally invented a gene zat makes zem inexplicably drawn to zat particular tourist attraction," he said.

The Big Banana...destination

Despite current concerns, Professor Panic is in the process of extending his genetic research to humans.

"Vell zat iz true," he said.

"Over tventy five per cent of human genes are ze same az zose of a banana, so I thought - vot the hell!"

King Rupert

all hail to the King
of our wide, brown land
although we never elected him
and he is American

nevertheless this warmonger
has arrived down under
to tell us how to live our lives
it's enough to make you wonder

despite the fact he airs his views
in his odious publications
where the words of handpicked neocon shills
ripple across the nation

see the pollies and the journos
doing their utmost to brown nose
it's safe to say no eminent persons
will speak out I suppose

your ABC invited King Rupert
to present the Boyer lecture
why he's being given a tax-payer funded podium
is a matter of conjecture

for he owns most of the newspapers
Myspace, Foxtel, Sky
the world's most powerful news manipulator
has nothing left to buy

it's just your soul he's after now
and your independent thought
it's been handed to him on a platter
what a f*cking rort

Free Lex Wotton

Around midday, Queens Park (1/11/08)

About 300 people attended a rally and march through Brisbane's CBD today [1/11/08] calling for the release of Lex Wotton. The rally supported a Royal Commission into Aboriginal deaths in custody. The crowd was an interesting cross-section of people who care about justice. There were a couple of punks, one "Greens" supporter, a large number of indigenous people, an ex-Senator, socialist alliance people and several 'Womens International League For Peace & Freedom' supporters.

While crossing Elizabeth Street to get to Queens Park, a passerby said, "Well I don't know what that's all about."

The speakers were passionate, but an atmosphere of calm prevailed in the hazy midday heat. The police presence was low key - a lot different from the rally in December 2006 when approximately 1000 people rallied in Queens Park before marching to Parliament House to protest the decision not to lay charges arising from the Deputy State Coroner's findings in the Doomadgee case.

On that occasion, a helicopter hovered above and a heavy police presence was observed in and around Parliament House. Police on horseback guarded the front and side of the building while police on mountain bikes and on foot watched the protestors intently. A minivan full of S.E.R.T.S. waited on the corner of Alice and William Street.

No horses or minivans were spotted today, but it shouldn't be forgotten that these special powers and police units are still in place and ready to be mobilised against anyone who challenges the powerful.

Historic City Gardens Pond Dries Up Again

Dry again. This pond was also drained in late 2006

One of the two historic ponds located within the City Botanic Gardens has dried up again. The last time this happened was in late 2006 when the city was in the grip of drought. (You might remember at that time many trees were felled as a result of the Phellinus Noxius epidemic.)

The two ponds were formerly part of a natural watercourse from which four ponds were created in the 1850s. A large swamp cypress, (Taxodium distichum) which is a native of the everglades in Southern USA, separates the two ponds.

The empty pond is usually filled with water lilies - including the spectacular lotus (Nelumbo sp.) - which bursts into large, silken, white blooms in late summer. The ponds are home to a variety of wildlife including dusky moorhen, eels, green frogs and bearded dragons.

The lotus (known for its aphrodisiac qualities) contain rhizomes, so they will bloom again if the pond is refilled.

A Lindsay Daen sculpture depicting Jemmy Morell and Brolgas sits within one pond. Jemmy Morell was a sailor who lived with the Aboriginals for 17 years after being shipwrecked on the Great Barrier Reef in the 1840s.

Originally an experimental farm, the City Botanic Gardens celebrated its 150 year anniversary in 2005.

The spectacular lotus in full bloom

"What Does That Mean Mummy?"

"You can tell between female and male cabbage cos the male has a slug on it" Riverside Expressway [1/11/08]

"That's just a 'Wicked Campervan' meeting those 'community standards' darling"

Last King George Square Pigeon Speaks Out

"You were sweeter
Than the blossoms on the tree
I was as proud as any girl could be
As if the mayor had offered me
The key to Paris

Now another winter time has come and gone
The pigeons feeding in the square have flown
But I remember when the vespers chimed
You loved me once upon a summertime"

'Once Upon A Summertime' (written by Eddie Barclay, Michel Legrand, Eddy Marnay and Johnny Mercer) recorded by Blossom Dearie (1959) and Astrud Gilberto (1966)

Mr Pigeon in happier days: "That's me! Just to the left of the ibis"

He may only have a brain the size of a pea, but one of the surviving pigeons from Brisbane's King George Square says labelling community consultation as public consultation is just changing the terminology.

"Look what happened to my fellow pigeons and I," he said.

"We were moved on from King George Square and there's great uncertainty about our future."

Mr Pigeon says he suspects the reason why the multi-million dollar redevelopment of King George Square is taking so long is because Council's objective is to ensure no-one (including pigeons) ever goes there again.

"What can I say? It's a public space," he said.

"With the rumours flying around that a well known demolition company has been paid $200 million to fix City Hall, it's safe to say the weasel words and spin are going to flow thick and fast from here on in."

Mr Pigeon did not say where he and his fellow pigeons had relocated to, but hinted that there was plenty to "chew over".

The Gold Coast's broadwater...a new life for Mr Pigeon?

Inner City Architectural Synchronicity

Wickham Terrace, Spring Hill (1/11/08)

What Will Nine Dollars Get You At The Shops?

A $9 box of goodies - uncanny!

Whenever possible we avoid Coles and Woolworths. Yesterday we needed a few groceries and there's an ALDI not far away so, even though it was the opposite direction from the bank and other things we had to do, it made sense to pop in there.

We grabbed the items we needed, popped them on the extremely long ALDI conveyor belt, and as the super efficient cashier was scanning them through, realised we only had a total of $9.00 in our wallets. I was just about to reach for my bank card when the cashier said that the loaf of bread, chick peas, lentils, four cans of tomatoes, pasta, dishwashing liquid and shampoo came to exactly $9.00! Uncanny!

I don't know what the workplace relations are like at ALDI, but the cashiers all have a chair to sit on and they appear to be significantly and genuinely happier than the cashiers at Coles and Woolworths.

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